A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This isn't a relationship question, but it's been weighing heavily on my mind and heart lately. I know that I'm setting myself up to be judged because I'll be perceived as "vain," or "shallow," but I have a huge dilemma because this is causing my anxiety to go through the roof. I feel sad because I feel like I look old, and I want to know if there is any way that I can improve my appearance and look younger and prettier. I don't care how much it costs in terms of willpower, or money. Don't suggest just being a nice person or smiling or anything like that. I want to have physical beauty. I'm not mean but I want to be young and pretty... I'm crying for my looks. Lately I feel like I need to accept that I look a lot older than I am. A lot of people have said things to me that imply that I appear to be a lot older than I really am, and it makes me feel absolutely gutted. I'm afraid to go out anywhere because I'm scared I'll come home with my spirit crushed. I don't want to repeat these remarks, because it's too depressing to repeat, but it's clear that people think I look old and haggard.I'm not sure WHAT exactly it is about my appearance that looks middle aged. I don't have wrinkles or anything. I have red hair and don't have any grey hair, either. I am very upset about my weight. I need to lose about 80 pounds, and I have been in a place in my life where I have gained weight because I have been eating my feelings for several years. However, I'm not sure that being overweight is the problem... you see overweight little kids. My breasts are way too large and it's a constant source of misery and embarrassment because I feel like it makes me look matronly. I'm just not sure WHY I look so OLD. I've become very depressed about this because I feel like I'm never going to be young and pretty again. I know it's shallow, but I'm crying for my looks... Is it possible to look younger and make a permanent improvement in my appearance? Do I just have to resign myself to the fact that I'm getting old and ugly? At what age is a woman no longer attractive? I'm a single woman and live in an area where men are at a premium and there are very few men, let alone eligible quality single men and I feel like I can't compete. I would love to be married but I feel sad because my dreams are dying.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (11 June 2018):
 Your age shows that you should be at the prime of your life in looks and energy. Right now, it's ENTIRELY to do with the kind of fuel you are putting into your body.
The phrase "you are what you eat" is more accurate than you know! If you take care of your body, give it good, healthy nutritious food in moderation, you'll see a change in how you look and feel. Eating sugar and high carbs can give you those mood swings, the feeling like you're clogged up body and soul, and of course the weight gain.
It's ENTIRELY about what you eat! People go to the exercise portion, they start working out, and then get frustrated when they see no results. Well, every person I've ever spoken to in real life will work out hard, then "reward" themselves with some sort of treat, effectively undoing their entire fat-burning effort. What they end up with is an improving cardiovascular system, strengthening muscles, but all underneath the same layer of fat they can't figure out how to rid themselves of.
Then, they give up and think "I've tried every diet, I work out regularly, but nothing works!". They become blind to the secret eating AND the comfort eating when they're bored, and aren't self-aware of the excess calories they eat.
You have to "break up" with using food as a comfort. Stress eating, emotional eating, that ALL has to go, and food must be no more than simple and nutritious fuel designed to help your body's basal metabolic rate function, repair itself, and maintain healthy organs, burn fat, and keep up energy.
Cut your carbs down and focus on protein. Lean meats, no processed junk, and cut out the sweets and fried crap. Fast food is crap food, and people who eat it start looking as greasy as the food itself.
Smoking and excess drinking causes you to age before your time as well as the latter putting on a LOT of excess calories. You *have* to work at taking care of your body!
You should see a dietitian for tailoring a diet based on your specific individual needs and metabolism. I'm not talking about some fad "diet", I'm talking about a permanent blueprint for a much healthier lifestyle.
Because your depression may very well be caused by the mood swings and wild energy spikes and ebbs caused by high sugar and carbs and erratic eating. Not eating during the day, and then getting up and midnight snacking it to the fridge (or the extreme version of ordering pizza or whatever) will screw up your metabolism, cause weight gain and the lack of sleep will make you look old before your time.
But you CAN reverse it if you're willing! It's the hardest in the first couple of months, but get over that, and you will actually reboot your taste buds AND your hunger hormones, which is why some people think their stomach shrinks when they diet. The truth is, their "I'm full" hormone signal was simply reset now that you're not ignoring it in order to emotionally eat.
After 2 months of cutting sugar and processed carbs (bread, pasta, cake, cookies, dumplings, minute rice, pizza, boxed mashed potatoes, minute rice, etc), having ONE day per week to give into cravings will keep you on track, and you'll even find that you won't HAVE the cravings you do now! You'll see the weight melt off even before you think of a workout regimen. And when you DO work out, don't "reward" yourself by getting ice cream or eating a cookie or a Starbucks! Save the "reward" for one day per week.
Trust me, limiting calories, eating lean meats, vegetables and ONLY natural carbs (potatoes, green beans, corn, and natural rice) in moderation will make you look YEARS younger!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2018): Please don't try and lose weight to quickly or you will end up with wrinkles . Normally girls who are chubby look younger bug maybe it's clothing your buying as being bigger means less options and being honest even the gear that's advertised is still frumpy . Lose weight slowly .. I did I dieted for 3 months and then ate normally for 3 month . I kept that weight of I'm now dowtinv again to lose the rest
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2018): You ask if it's possible to have ' permanent ' improvement in you looks and tslkmon and on about not looking old so sorry the answer is no. It's not possibly . Everyone gets old and you cannot look permsntly youngalso you mention that you look like a middle age woman as if that's so horrible . As a middle age woman I find this offensive and happen to think I and many women I know my own age look great The point is that it's possible to look older AND look great . Good skin care great clothes and make up and mostly being positive about aging
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2018): This is one of those 'catch 22' situations where you probably gained a lot of weight through emotional eating, because you felt bad about yourself for some reason. Now, because people assume you are older - and this will be due to the weight, the way you carry yourself and move, and the way that you feel about your weight and self transmitting to other people - this is really impacting on your already low self esteem. It's almost as if you are taking what people are saying as confirmation that your deepest fears are justified and whatever it was that was causing you to feel bad enough to overeat is actually true.Bear in mind that large people are - quite literally - more visible. They tend to stand out. You will therefore be attracting more of these comments than average.You want to lose weight anyway - and even for health reasons you should. You can go all around the houses thinking about this but you put the weight on for a reason and you need to take it off in order to overcome that reason. Going through that process will make you stronger as a person. The negative comments will drop off and you will feel better in yourself.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 June 2018):
 No, it is the weight. Definitely. At 26 to 29 you are objectively young, even VERY young in a world where women in their 40s and 50s are routinely called " girls " or
" young ladies ". But you carry around a lot of extra weight, and people who do not know you well will tend to assume that you are older than your real age. Extra weight and a larger figure are sort of automatically associated with maturity, or at least with not being in the first bloom of your prime- because many women tend to gain weight after having had kids, or getting closer to menopause, or simply because in time your metabolism slow down. And also, let's be frank, because most girls your age are heavily into their looks ( well, same as you are ),- not having had the time to realize that, really, looks are not SO terribly important after all,- and before letting themselves gain 80 extra pounds they would have resorted to the drastical measures you are only contemplating now. I am not judging, mind you;you say that you have " eaten your feelings ", maybe in your situation you felt that food was the only resource or comfort or way out. Nonetheless, at least in my image-conscious country- many , many girls would have eaten alive instead the person or things causing their distress !, rather than letting themselves gain so much .
Another thing is the way you move. 80 extra pounds are bringing havoc on your bones and joints, don't tell me that you walk with a spring in your step, or that you've got the fluid,vivacious, naturally sensual motions of a slimmer girl. It's like you are always walking around with a couple of large suitcases and , even if you do not feel very tired because by now you have got used to it, I am pretty sure you don't move , you can't move, with the effortless speed and grace typical of your age.
Another thing could be the way you dress. May be you are one of those rare, confident , brave overweight girls who , good for them, rock crop tops and micro skirts without a care in the world. But , more probably, you tend to wear things a bit more comfy and basic,less revealing or form fitting, the colours and shapes that won't draw too much attention to your body… in short, the kind of attire that's more the style of a more mature lady.
And, most of all, it's the attitude. Your facial expression, your smile -or lack of the same. If you are constantly worried and anxious about your lost beauty and waning looks, always feeling sorry for yourself because you do not measure up to your own exacting standards, your
" woe is me " outlook will show in your face, your voice, everything. You won't radiate any of that vibrant , fresh energy, of that natural engaging exuberance / curiosity which even the nerdiest , most looks-challenged young woman in her 20s normally exudes. You don't have wrinkles yet, but if you go around moping like in your post, I would not be surprised if you had developed a bitter twist of your mouth, a permanent scowl , a sadness in your eyes which belies your still young anagraphical age.
So, first thing, start ditching the weight, and do physical exercise while you are adopting a different alimentation, in order to maintain muscle mass and skin elasticity. You don't need to ditch it all ( as a matter of fact, a few - a few !, not 80 extra pounds may help you look younger, by giving you a tighter, childlike face ) and you do not need to ditch it fast; in fact, go gradually, in small installments. But as soon you'll have lost the first , say, 15 pounds, you already will feel and LOOK all different. By that stage you can start making friends again with your body, and feel confident enough to, say, start attending some dance classes …. belly dancing or salsa or Bollywood for instance are all great not only to keep you in decent shape and flexible , but also to evoke and bring out that radiant Young Goddess energy that certainly is inside you somewhere hidden under all the layers of weight.. and bitterness.
Oh and sorry to be brutal but I think it needs to be mentioned- start changing yout weight not only because you want to look pretty and or / to be attractive to men .
Although, personally, I feel there's nothing wrong with wanting to look the best you can and to be attractive to men : don't change your body JUST for this. Do it because you are, hopefully, an intelligent,mentally mature person who respects her body and cares about the precious gift of health. Again, sorry for being blunt , but : EIGHTY extra pounds ? we are not talking here just about looking pretty or sexy . We are talking about courting a massive heart attack or stroke !
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2018): YOUR looks are going bye bye? In your 20's? Sweetheart, with all due respect, you are crazy.Once you hit 50 like me, then you need to start to worry.I am fighting it every step of the way. And let me tell you, that even at 50, I look pretty darned good. And I don't worry about it the way you do. Definitely not in my 20's.It is all about loving yourself as you are. There will always be somebody younger, prettier, thinner etc. Society does place a lot of undue pressure on women. If you constantly compare yourself to others or impossible standards, you will never be happy. Realize that you are unique and there is nobody like you in the world. Instead of focusing on your perceived flaws, focus on the things you like about yourself. We all have something we like. Build yourself up on the positives, not the negatives. None of us is perfect. Not even the most perfect model you see in magazines. And having looks does not guarantee a happy or perfect life. Beauty comes from within. A woman with a good heart is automatically more beautiful. When you strive to be who you are not, you will never be happy. So, you must learn to love yourself. Appreciate what you have and build on that. It is a life long journey to self acceptance for many women. And often this is a lesson we learn later in life. That is why it is called a journey. Youth is wasted on the young as they say. Enlightenment and wisdom comes with a life well lived. Confidence means standing tall regardless of any outside influences. And it is earned over time.I am at the stage where I no longer give a shit what people think. I am who I am and I like the person I am. Society will not tell me I have to be a size zero or be 20 years old to have any value. I am in good shape and I have curves and they are sexy. I look much younger. I don't care if somebody thinks I am fat or have wrinkles. I really don't. I have more important things to think about. Life is not about looks. We all get older. We all have to fight gravity. But the trick is to enjoy life. Laugh. Embrace moments. Embrace everything. Especially your own, unique brand of beauty. And take looks out of the equation. You will be much more comfortable with yourself once you step outside this self imposed prison brought on by unrealistic expectations. Remember, there are some beautiful women out there who are just so ugly inside. And believe me, that detracts from their beauty. Nobody wants to be around them. And if that is all they have, then they are missing out on so much. Feel bad for them. Be a kind person above all. And you will never stop shining.Wish you well.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (10 June 2018):
Lose weight and get in shape. It will do wonders for your self esteem and the amount of attention you receive.
Don't go spending a fortune on creams and surgery, one doesn't work, the other makes you look like you've had surgery.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2018): It looks from the age group of your post,you are not 30 yet, so I can't understand what makes you think you look old? I was like you when I was in my teens I looked a few years older than my age,now I am a senior citizen And I look and feel much younger than my real age. My secret is I don't drink,don't smoke,keep active and my moto in life is :Hope for the best but expect the worse. Among a lot of other things. From your post I think you are overweight and that is a major cause to feel depressed and ugly. So your first priority is to lose weight. How to do that? Eat little and exercise a lot. Find what suits you in dress,hair style and make up after losing those extra pounds. Take good care of your skin and your teeth and most important stop telling yourself you are ugly and always try to show the positive side of you.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (10 June 2018):
 OP your post made me really sad. I feel so sorry for you that you have such a low negative opinion of yourself! Don't you know that a woman can and is beautiful at ANY age??? Its all about your attitude and how you carry yourself.
Yes its true that you can work out, lose weight, get surgery dress better but sweetie if you don't feel it inside and don't think positive I don't care how gorgeous you are you will not show it!
I understand the fears and concerns about getting older. I am almost twice your age and trust me, every day when I look in the mirror I see things I wish I didn't..its called aging. You can't stop it. You can try to trick yourself and others by doing all kinds of surgical procedures but your body knows how old you are, trust me.
Do things that will make you feel better about yourself..absolutely!!! Work out, exercise, walk, get different clothes, get a make over..any of these things will make you feel better about yourself. I don't promote surgery but that's just me.
You have to feel beautiful to look beautiful. I've seen some women that really know how to carry themselves and pull it off. I mean they strut around like they are goddesses and they are nothing special but the way they walk, talk..they THINK that they are and so it seems that they are really something! I'm talking about some women that are VERY large not little tiny girls but they have CONFIDENCE. You do not! You have such a defeatist attitude sweets.
You can go online and find someone (be careful!) if there aren't many men in your area. Believe me, not every man wants a glamour girl that looks like she just stepped out of a magazine. The average guy really just wants a nice girl that he can talk to, relate to and share dreams with. Do you have a nice personality? Can you chat easily? Are you interesting to talk to?
I learned a long time ago that I was never going to be that drop dead gorgeous leggy girl that the media makes you believe all men pant over. I'm very petite not even 5 feet tall so being a model with long legs was out of the question for me. I'm told I'm cute but cute can't compete with gorgeous! I have a wicked sense of humor and I use it..all the time. I learned to be funny (not mean) and make people laugh. It must have worked, I have been married now for the 3rd time! I worked with what I had/have.
Please stop being so hard on yourself. Work with what you have and if you don't like you then create a new you..that will make YOU happy. I wish you all the best. Nothing is impossible...remember that. Sometimes it just takes a little effort.
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