A
male
age
41-50,
*non_e_mouse
writes:Hi All,I've had an amazingly good weekend and really enjoyed myself. I split up with my ex who I was with for 15 months about 3-4 weeks ago.For those of you who don't know the stories they're here (in chronological order):I met up with old friends I hadn't seen in a while and enjoyed catching up and enjoying my new found freedom. I still get the occassional bout of loneliness and I do miss her. I spoke to a friend in confidence who said one of his friends had experienced this sort of thing before and I was SHOCKED at how similar his relationship was to mine.He told me that the guys girlfriend had BPD. It does explain a lot. With my girlfriend at the time there were moments where she would be intensively affectionate and clingy (which I loved being an affectionate person myself). However, these were often followed by moments of distancing and mood swings and arguments over the slightest little things... Sometimes I didn't even know what they were about. Often during these rows she wouldn't remember what she said/did or what I said/did.I know there was some "issue" my girlfriend told me she had but she didn't want to talk about it and as soon as she said that she closed up. This was months before we broke up. I thought I'd be patient and she'll tell me in good time when she's comfortable.I started to feel the distance was getting larger and larger, the rows more frequent and I was tired of fighting to keep us together. Even at work she would text me at least 5-6 times and ask me when I'm coming to see her and how soon I'll finish work.I'm so tempted to try and talk to her about it and tell her I finally understand everything. When she went off on a last minute holiday with her family we went through a really rough patch - perhaps this was because she was scared of losing me to someone else in her absence? Perhaps she was scared I'd abandon her so to deal with it she just cut me off?Often I'd say something, she'd twist it into something else and before you know it she's denying things she said literally 2 seconds ago and denying everything that's happened. Sometimes I used to wish we had the arguments on camera/tape. However, I'm never one to hold a grudge and always just put it down to differences and made up. Although most of the time she'd push me away. I must admit it was all very confusing and I thought she was just being stubborn.When she did suddenly change moods she was very angry and screaming and shouting out of frustration. I probably didn't help as I would then shout back. Often she would push me away... Go away (or I'd leave) and everything would calm down and when we next saw each other we could talk about it.She's very uncertain as to who she is and what she likes. Says she's confused a lot.I thought she was depressed with nothing to do and a bit of uncertainty in her life. However, she was bored most of the time and became lazy and often "couldn't be ar$ed" as she put it.Our relationship was intense. We spent every minute I wasn't at work together although I live on my own and she lives with her family. Sometimes I'd have something I've got to do (like laundry) and she'd get angry with me.She didn't trust me even though I gave her no reason not to. I reassured her all the time and would NEVER EVER cheat on her (or anyone). During the good times she'd say she wants to get married and have kids and how I should get her a ring. Then next day she'd be cold and distant.I remember her saying that during rows she HATED me, and during good times she LOVED me. Towards the end we rowed more than anything else. Obviously I'm no pyschologist but this has opened my eyes. I've no idea how extreme her behaviour is in terms of BPD but I was stressed, tired and felt beaten down at times and in the end it got too much. I didn't understand her.I suppose it shouldn't come as a surprise that she found someone else pretty quick as she seems to need someone there.Is this something that would get better after time?Would it have gotten easier? Or worse? We haven't been in touch as she now has someone else and I've left her alone.I can't help the way I feel and although I've made some excellent progress it's not often I'm in and out of love, I do love her and care about her. My head says I'm right in walking away - I fought for her for ages and stuck by her - in the end I was getting nothing but distance, moodiness and rows.Although for the time being I'm not going to go there I am tempted to try and talk to her about it.Or should I just leave it well alone? I'm torn on this one since I do love her and will always have feelings for her.
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male
reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (6 December 2007):
anon_e_mouse is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thinking about it I also think my ex's brother has this to some extent and his girlfriend left him, one day just walked out without giving any reasons. She lived with his family for about a year and felt like a prisoner in their home at times. In the end I think it all got too much for her and she walked. He then got together with someone extremely quickly like my ex (his sister) has. She told me some wacky stories about the Mum's behaviour toward her but at the time I didn't know what to believe since she had always appeared to be fine with me.
As for the family situation, the Mum and Dad have 3 kids together, of which my ex is the youngest, another 2 kids are from a previous marriage/relationship and are 15-20 years older than my ex. I don't know the history in full but their Dad has no contact with his own Mum; now and then he'd joke about her being a witch and having nothing to do with her.
I have had trouble sleeping since the break up although things are getting easier. Is it normal to feel some kind of stress/anxiety after all of this? Some nights I find it hard to sleep. Now and then I also slip into a slight depression but always pick myself up by talking about it with family/friends, or just getting out and having a good time with my mates.
A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (5 December 2007):
anon_e_mouse is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the response! I cant completely relate to what you've been through and what you say!
"My ex constantly felt rejection from the slightest thing even down to me saying i couldnt make it straight after work as i wanted to have a shower first".
Funny thing is I had exactly that too... EXACTLY... I want to go home, sort my flat out, have a shower and get changed then we'll meet up... Even this made her anxy. Often I'd go straight to hers and as soon as I arrive say hello and jump in the shower so we can then do something.
"i feel like my head is finally coming back around out of the maze of lies shouting screaming and total denial that he was in about his behaviour and treatment towards me..."
I've found it hard and felt a huge sense of relief after ending it. My health and well being has improved. I think the biggest shock has been to go from constant demands and no time to myself at all, to all the time in the world. However, I do get moments where I really feel for her but my head says NO. I've never really been in this position before.
"What kind of a future would you have with someone like her imagine she fell pregnant what you would have to deal with!"
A scarey thought indeed!... She'd mentioned she wants to have a baby and get married but I told her I'm not ready for all that and just brushed it off. I want to be able to provide for my family and have a good life for the kids one day but not yet. I was a little worried she was going to trap me.
"You never mentioned anything about her lying , but this is one i had to deal with everyday and i didnt realise just how bad the lies were that he told till be broke up"
Well there were a few occassions where I found out she was lying. Since the split I've found out more and more lies. I was practically abandoned while she was on holiday, never showed me any photos, and I thought nothing of it until I found out her and her cousin hooked up with 2 guys out there. I'm sure there are more lies there and perhaps this is why she was so suspicious of me all the time... Judging me by her standards?
"Anyway please take my advice and stay well away i really wish i had i also learned a lot about myself and i think i somewhat enjoyed the emotional roller coaster i was on in the beginning"
I agree, in the beginning I enjoyed the relationship very much. ALthough I beleive she did a very good job of hiding it all until we had our first row. Even then for the next few months, looking back, I quite enjoyed a little drama but it all just got far too much.
Also, I've learnt a lot too and I will be taking things easy and I'll know what to look out for from now on and trust me I'll be keeping well away from this in future!
Your reply has helped immensely! Thank you very much!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2007): Hi,Im just out of a relationship with someone who i definitly think is bpd and also somewhat narcissitic , All i can say is run and keep running dont look back unless you want a hard life because thats exactly what you will get from her. My ex constantly felt rejection from the slightest thing even down to me saying i couldnt make it straight after work as i wanted to have a shower first , i feel like my head is finally coming back around out of the maze of lies shouting screaming and total denial that he was in about his behaviour and treatment towards me and we broke up in August The constant fighting over what turned out to be nothing all the time ! just a change of mood , because you never know what is coming next its a constant battle with someone who cant make a judgement on whats right or wrong because they constantly feel rejection straight away. And believe me this is something to do with there childhood my ex's sister is also bpd and his mother is to! His other sister has a court order against his mother to stay away . He loved constant drama , he needed it breathed it they all did and did nothing but constantly looking for one drama after another and were fighting with each other constantly down to physically hitting each other. He is 34 by the way and his mother hits him when she is angry he thinks this is pretty normal . I dont think that bpd gets any better with age it gets worse . So i reckon you had a lucky escape . What kind of a future would you have with someone like her imagine she fell pregnant what you would have to deal with!! Your child would have a very unstable mother who would know no better then to take her mood swings out on the innocent child she would mess a childs head up completely leaving a very frightened and insecure child, i know this as i have seen what my ex'x mother has done to him and his sister and his father is normal enough but he couldn't always be there to see what was going on. You never mentioned anything about her lying , but this is one i had to deal with everyday and i didnt realise just how bad the lies were that he told till be broke up , at present he is trying to su me even though he got me into a lot of debt all down to his constant lies !!!. Anyway please take my advice and stay well away i really wish i had i also learned a lot about myself and i think i somewhat enjoyed the emotional roller coaster i was on in the beginning i came from a home were there was a lot of drama growing up but nothing bad , but still makes me wonder how i could stay with someone so unstable when there are plenty of lovely men out there who would love someone like me who is honest kind caring and just likes to live and let live with others and enjoy peace with others . Hope this helps . take care
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A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (4 December 2007):
anon_e_mouse is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOoops previous posts are here (in chronological order):
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-get-loads-of-attention-from-other-girls.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/suspected-the-cheated-becomes-the-cheater.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-ex---ive-hit-a-low.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/do-i-need-therapy-to-get-over-my.html
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