A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Taken for granted:I do 100% of the maintenance work, 90% of the cooking, my fair share of the cleaning and laundry, and more than half of the finances. Our point of contention is that she doesn't seem to notice what I do and gets her panties in a bunch when I say I'd rather not have to do the dishes after I've cooked a meal. I am tempted to 'go on strike' and let her fester with popcorn crumbs and snack bar wrappers in her bedding, but I can't stand the filth. Is there any easy way to demonstrate my efforts, or should I just eat crow and let us wallow in scum for a few weeks to get my point across? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Uncle Trev  +, writes (1 August 2007):
I know this may sound a bit drastic but I think in your shoes I would just clean up after nyself and not her. Give it a couple of weeks to let the general state of the place deteriorate and then maybe early one evening tell her you are checking into a local motel as although you love her very much you simply cannot live like this and need to get out of the place and relax in a cleaner and tidier environment.
I should imagine this if delivered calmly should have the desired result.
Even if it doesn't it should at least get her to sit down and talk about it and then you can go forward from there.
A
female
reader, culeca +, writes (1 August 2007):
 i know exactly how u feel..my husband has a bad habit of leaving dishes on the counter on the side of the sink as well as not putting things directly into the garbage knowing that he has to walk passed the garbage can first and the sink is just inches away from the counter top..it really burns me..he also has a habit of leaving his clothes laying around where ever he takes them off leaving me to pick up after him..it is extremely frustrating seein as how i do 100% of everything..cooking, cleaning, taking care of the pets which are all his, laundry and anything else that comes with the household and we have no children at the moment the only thing he contributes is to the finances which i also contribute to..i can talk to him numerous times about his actions but it seems to fail me occasionally because he'll straighten up for a day or two then fall back into his habits..i wish i knew where he gets it from so i can go straight to the source..i have gone on strike and for me i doesnt work because i end up doing it all...my advice to u is to try it out but if ur a neat freak like i am it gets frustrating because i cant stand to be cluttered..i feel ur pain brother...but good luck in whatever it is that u decide to do...
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A
female
reader, Sweet-thing +, writes (1 August 2007):
 Just sit down and talk to her about what you've told us and tell her point blank that you're tired of doing more of the work, and not being appreciated. Maybe she's so preoccupied with her career or the kids, that she's failed to notice the unbalance in your relationship.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (1 August 2007):
 I would suggest that you casually NOT do something she is really expecting from you. Don't make a big deal about it, just "forget" to do it. Then, do it again. Do not lose your temper. When she finally sees the light, it's time to sit and negotiate.
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A
female
reader, LauraE +, writes (1 August 2007):
Hi,
I have exactly the same problem with my man. Trouble is. If I went on strike for weeks, he would probably still be perfectly happy, it would be me suffering. By all means try it, but don’t be surprised if you just end up shouting at her after a week of absolutely no change. If downing-tools doesn’t work, then talk to her about it. Suggest that she agrees to do the dishes when you cook and you will do the same for her. If you do 90% of the cooking, then maybe you are a better cook? But you could still suggest that she cooks on certain nights – maybe 3 weekdays when it would be a quicker meal anyway. I can’t see how anyone would complain about that. Countless couples have this problem, and I’m afraid that the more house-proud amongst us do have to accept that we are going to do more than our share if we want a harmonious relationship and a bearably clean home. The best you can do is negotiate to get your other half to do a certain amount. Oh and by the way, when she does cook, or do the dishes, or whatever, be sure to thank her. It’s rather like training a small child or a dog, but grown-up humans also learn better from praise than they do from shouting.
Best of luck!
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A
female
reader, Midge +, writes (1 August 2007):
 Sounds as if she needs a hard lesson in dirt control.
As I am somewhat like yourself and would rather just do the work than live in a filthy environment, there also comes a time when enough is enough and I think you are just about there.
I would suggest a week on strike. No dishes, no cleaning, no washing, just relax (as best you can, living in dirt!" and see what she has to say about it then.
I am sure she will soon see the error of her ways and chip in!
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