A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm dating a guy with a 3 year old daughter. Ever since we've been dating its been nothing but drama between me, him and the child's mother. She has not allowed him to see his daughter since we've been dating. She say's that he is picking me over her daughter so he has no right to be in her life anymore. Prior to her knowing about me he was allowed to come and pick up his daughter on a frequent basis. If she found out we went on dates she would flip out asking why he was taking me out instead of the daughter. Every time he would ask to get her the mother would say no. She tries to break us up every chance she gets. She has faked emails between the two and even showed up to my job trying to fight me. Our relationship is still strong despite the drama but I know it's killing him that he has to "choose". He is saving for a lawyer so he can fight her in court for visitation and putting himself on child support. Until then he has to wait while he misses moments in her life. I sometimes feel bad and debates on if he should just go so he can get to see his child. Will it always be this way? Do we ever have a chance to have an actual family. I love kids and if we ever decide to have any I would like them to know their sister. By the way he hasn't seen his daughter in six months. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2013): Don't leave your bf just because of the psycho cruel evil baby mama. She is the one ruining the kid's life, not you or your bf. If you end the relationship cos of her this is only going to make her even more dangerous and create a bigger problem. She will have learned she can get her way on anything just by keeping the kid away from him. It sucks that he is missing out on his daughter's life but that is enitrely the fault of the ex. You and him cannot be held responsible for the psycho ex being a cruel bad parent. Maybe he can see a social worker for help.
A
female
reader, katiekate +, writes (3 March 2013):
 I am in a similar situation (although not quite as bad). My boyfriend (been together about a year and a half) has a daughter with his ex-wife. For some reason, she hates me, blames me for all kinds of stuff, even though she has never met me and only laid eyes on me once. Most recently, she threw all the birthday gifts I gave the daughter down her front steps and into the yard. All I was doing was sitting in the car, waiting for my boyfriend. Clearly, she's insane and immature, and a horrible example since she did this in front of the child. My advice is to continue your relationship. Giving in to her would be giving her way too much power. She can't be in control of your relationship. Unfortunately, it is the child that suffers, but if it wasn't you, it'd be another woman who would be going through this. She most likely will not change, but hopefully, over time, things will get better. Don't let this crazy woman run your lives.
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A
female
reader, chinana  +, writes (3 March 2013):
 Dear OP, you must bear in mind that the baby mama's behaviour indicates a very bitter, jeolous and angry woman. There are some people who just cant let go when they have been hurt. She wants to purnish your boyfriend and when you leave she has won. I dont think leaving your boyfriend is the best solution especially if your relationship is a good one. I would suggest you continue to stay out of her way, dont allow her nasty attitude to contaminate you, just remain calm and respectful, this is the best way to deal with spiteful beings. If she calls, e-mails or whatever just keep a distance because if you try and fight with her it will infuriate her and she will just look for ways to make life more difficult for you. Continue to be supportive and loving to your boyfriend if you know his worth it. I think its best for him to fight this battle for custody in the courts. In some cases and hopefully in yours too, baby mama will meet her own man and fall in love and this might soften her attitude. Just cross your fingers and pray that it happens soon. Goodluck.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (3 March 2013):
It sounds like you want to stay in this relationship even with all these dramas so clearly you both have a very strong relationship. IT does not sound like he resents you or blames you in any way for this situation. His ex is using her child to hurt him, with no regard for the impact on that child, let alone her Dad. It’s awful and good to hear that he’s saving up to fight for his rights.
It would not, ultimately, do your boyfriend any favours were you to end things with the best of intentions. He can’t live forever trying to meet her unreasonable demands to see his kids. What about the next thing she doesn’t like: maybe, let’s say, he gets a job and she doesn’t like the fact that he has to move so stops his access. What if he were to meet some-one else, wouldn’t he again be in the same position?
He hasn’t chosen the option of finishing the relationship. You wouldn’t actually be helping him in anyway if you sacrificed it. Keep communicating and supporting each other through this. This woman cannot stop his access if he is a good father and there is no risk of harm to the child if he has access.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2013): "I sometimes feel bad and debates on if he should just go so he can get to see his child."I would politely suggest that an innocent three-year-old girl who has the misfortune of having a jealous harridan for a mother needs her father more than he needs a girlfriend. If her mother is willing to use her child as a weapon against her father (even though it's the kid who's suffering most, as they always do) and he doesn't have the resources to fight back, then he must do whatever is necessary to make the best of an untenable situation for the child's sake. "Will it always be this way?"Unfortunately, yes. Girlfriends come and go, but baby mamas are forever. Boyfriend ill-advisedly lay down and made a baby with a psycho, so's stuck with the fallout."Do we ever have a chance to have an actual family."No."I love kids and if we ever decide to have any I would like them to know their sister."Any kids you and boyfriend might have would likely only be a source of resentment for his daughter as her siblings would have the benefit of one permanent home with both parents, and you can be certain baby mama would do her best to prevent "her" child from having any kind of relationship with the devil spawn of evil witch you. And frankly, given bf's passiveness regarding his daughter, I'm not sure he's the type of guy with whom who should be considering having children. "By the way he hasn't seen his daughter in six months."No excuse for not seeing his kid, and "he's saving for a lawyer" is the lamest. He doesn't need a lawyer to see his kid, so he should be at the doors of his local family court when they open Monday morning. Every child has the right to equal access to both parents, and every father has the right to access to his child. Baby mama can't use withholding visitation as a weapon against baby daddy, just as he can't use child support as a weapon against her. When a woman gets involved with a single dad it is always a package deal and baby mama's always a part of the package. It's a difficult situation even when the exes are mature enough to put the kid's interests first, given your boyfriend's baby mama's inherent toxicity, this seems like a no-win situation. I politely but firmly suggest that your instincts are correct, best for the child's sake if you cut your losses and bow out quietly and gracefully. Poor kid is going to have a hellish childhood as it is, don't unwittingly compound her anguish and misery by serving as a roadblock to her father.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (2 March 2013):
 If he is paying her enough child support, then she will not be so bitter about him leaving her for another woman. The court will decide how much he has to pay, then afterwards she has no right to interfere with his love life.
Before you end things with him, there should be a discussion of whether you would get back with him when he has enough funds for a lawyer and get his child custody settled, or will you just forget about him forever, and let another woman deal with his drama.
I believe a man who has unresolved issues should not think about dating. So don't feel bad if you decide to end things with him. It also depends on how long you are willing to wait for him.
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