A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend over a year. We do everything together. I'm not in love with him and never was. I'm not attracted to him at all, and there's no sex to speak of anymore. I love him as a friend, though, and we met through mutual friends that I don't want to lose depending on how he tries to spin it. So I'm trying to think of things I can do so we end it amicably- where it isn't "my" fault. He's told me he wouldn't love me anymore if I got a piercing (I removed mine for him), a tattoo, or smoked a cigarette. That isn't really love, is it? He flips out over any mention of those things. Would it be out of line to get my nose pierced to provoke him to break up with me? Then if he told everyone we broke up because I disobeyed him, our friends would just think he's odd and not blame me? And I always wanted my nose pierced anyway. Is there a way out of this? He's refusing to talk about it like adults, and I feel like he's blackmailing me into staying with him because I'll be all alone otherwise and his price is just that I have sex with him a couple times a month. (He's also almost a decade older than me, and I'm not ready to settle down while he is)
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female
reader, The_CityGirl  +, writes (4 April 2009):
 Save yourself some time and suffering, and break it off. Better more, save him the time and suffering. If you don't see a future with him, step up and end it yourself so you can both move on.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2009): When someone emotionally blackmails you into staying in a relationship, they usually won't just let go that easily even if you do something forbidden. The relationship will just get messier and you'll feel even more helpless.
Best to just let him know you don't see this going anywhere and stick to your guns and don't let him manipulate you into staying. It's clear that your weakness is what others think of you and he probably uses that weakness to keep you with him. Who cares why you broke up with him and why does it have to be about blame? You simply don't want to be with him anymore and that's a good enough reason. If you lose friends because of it then those aren't real friends to begin with.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2009): I think you are making things far more complicated than needed.
Even if you did break up with him, he's not that great of a friend because you know he would judge you for a tattoo, smoking, etc. I would hope you choose friends that don't judge you.
He is clearly using you as an okay-friend-with-benefits. I think you are worth more than that. If I discovered a guy actually wasn't into me romantically nor as a friend as you describe, the last thing I would do is have sex with him. The first thing I would do is delete his information from my phone and email and cut all contact and behave as if he doesn't exist.
Somewhere out there is a man who loves you for just you and would never use you for anything.
I think it is better to be alone than to be in an unhealthy relationship of any kind. It's worth the awkward or painful transition, but you're up to it.
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A
male
reader, Mr Me +, writes (3 April 2009):
 I agree with jezebel: don't do something harsh just to get him to break up with you. If you're looking for a way out then you need look no further than saying, "This is over" to him. If he refuses to let that be the end of it, then stop talking to him. He'll get the point! Just say it's over, move on, find someone you love.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2009): Instead of going to all these lengths to get him to break up, why dont you just break up with him? If you arent in love with him, arent attracted to him, and these's no sex to speak of then I dont understand what has kept you from breaking it off to begin with. I mean, if you want your nose pierced then get it pierced, you are an adult. But I wouldnt do it just to get out of your relationship!
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