A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I should preface this whole thing by saying that my boyfriend is a really nice guy. He's sweet, and kind, and sensitive. He's not an asshole, even though some of these things might make him sound selfish!However, there are some things in our relationship that worry me. For instance, he's more social than I am and he's always inviting people over to stay. While he helps a little with housework, I do 80% of the work associated with these visits. I make the beds, wash the bedclothes, sort the food and cooking, get drinks, and look after guests... while he socializes. When we don't have guests, things around the house are pretty unequal. I cook, I clean, I wash, I dry... and the worst thing is, I feel like I can't mention this because while I work 2 jobs and study part-time too, he earns twice as much as I do and I use housework to try to compensate for this frustrating fact. I am trying to sort out my career so that I am in a better place, but the problem is that I am often so drained by everything around the house that I'm not making the headway I would like. I just don't know how to balance home life and building a future. Meanwhile, his job is going great, and he's constantly out socializing for work while I'm home taking care of the house. Sometimes it makes me feel frustrated, as I think I'm trapped in a world of admin, washing machines, and saucepans, while he's got this glamorous life in his job. Things are also quite unequal in the bedroom. I make sure he's satisfied at least once a day, and I give him at least 3 or 4 BJs a week. He has some insecurity issues around sex and unfortunately, I thought I could help him early on if I faked orgasm. Thanks to this kind of ego-stroking, he's now over all his issues... but I'm stuck and frustrated! But I don't feel I can talk to him honestly because it might bring those worries back and affect his performance.My sex life went down the tube further when I started to bleed constantly last year, and had to have the Mirena coil fitted for medical reasons... and while things are a bit better, I'm still bleeding for 2 weeks out of every four (yes, I've been back to the doctor, who says I just have to get things to settle down for nine months! NINE MONTHS!!). However, when I'm not bleeding, he never gives oral... though I'm always clean, shaved, and fresh. This makes me feel like my body disgusts him, and I am increasingly self-conscious about it. At the same time, part of me feels like a spoiled princess, moaning about this minor stuff when I have a loving, caring guy in my life who doesn't cheat on me or beat me up. Should I just continue to ignore the problems? Or, if I confront them, how should I do this? I am not good at conflict.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2011): I am the original poster. I wanted to say a big thank you for the tremendously helpful advice you have given me.
I realize that I have issues with confrontation and that I need to learn to talk about things rather than running away from them. I do realize that most of the situation is my own fault and that I have set things up really badly - your advice is helping me realize that I can deal with it and sort it out. Thank you.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2011): "unfortunately, I thought I could help him early on if I faked orgasm. Thanks to this kind of ego-stroking, he's now over all his issues."No, he's not, he's got a lover who isn't honest, and at some level he may realize things aren't right.You feel insecure, you aren't being honest and open with him, think that if you do things will crash and fall apart, and you feel somehow that you have to make it all up to him because you are "less" than he is in some way.This is a severely bad situation, you can't ignore it, it will get worse, and you need couples counseling to help.Really. You have to start being Honest, Open, and Willing to talk about all this stuff.You are low in the self esteem area, that doesn't happen for no reason.Tell him you are having problems that you can't talk to him about, tell him that at least, and then work to get help so that you can talk to him.You are not less than him.
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A
male
reader, Wheeler  +, writes (27 June 2011):
 There seems to be many issues that need to be resolved. If it was just a matter of the household chores not being divided fairly then maybe a milder approach would be best. But it is obvious problems have been stacking up, and it is time to address them.
I agree with what another person said about not viewing this as a confrontation. This is necessary maintenance of a relationship. Starting the conversation will allow for necessary conversations in the future. Relationships can take a lot of work, and establishing constructive discussions is a very positive thing.
Perhaps the issue of faking orgasms should not be part of the discussion just yet. I can see where it could be necessary to deal with at some point, but it might be too much to include with the other issues. I can see both sides of the equation though.
It can be difficult for some men to understand all that it takes to keep a house clean and running smoothly. It is just an unfortunate fact, especially if a man grew up without having to do much of the housework. It really is a full time job.
Maybe the best approach is to explain that you are getting run down trying to keep up with school, two jobs, and the work around the house. That it would mean a lot if he could understand how much you do every day.
This will be a good test of his love for you. Does he want to see you happy more than anything else?
Concerning the issues in the bedroom, although you had good intentions it was ultimately counterproductive to address his issues by falsely bloating his self-image. Telling him that you were faking it will really cause him to question his abilities and may blow up to be something much bigger than it is in his mind.
Any progress he has made in getting over his "issues" in the bedroom is really a mirage.
It is completely reasonable for you to tell him that you would like for him to perform oral sex on you more often. You have that right seeing as how you provide the same for him so often. He is VERY spoiled based on what you have said. Most guys would consider you a dream girl! :-)
Whenever you provide something to a partner, you have every right to ask for it in return. If he has any issues that are preventing him from returning the favor, then they need to be discussed and overcome.
It would be a powerful thing to hear my girlfriend say that it makes her feel bad about herself because I won't provide something for her sexually. If he really cares about your happiness he will not hesitate to make some changes.
And I think that is what most of these issues boil down to. If making you happy is one of his top priorities, which it certainly should be, then he will listen to all you have to say and focus on making progress. If he is not receptive then that is a strong indication of where his priorities are, and should really make you question whether he is best for you long-term.
Feeling comfortable being honest with your partner is a crucial part of a strong relationship. Without that you may soon find yourself faking a lot more than orgasms!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2011): No he's not a nice guy. And for me you've just described a terrible boyfriend. When someone loves YOU, they consider your feelings above their own and you inturn consider theirs above your own. That for me is love! He is happy to have you as a slave and i cant blame him because you are enabling him. You need to sit him down and have the difficult conversation. Talking is not fighting and the bottom line is that he needs to know how you are feeling. Dont be scared because this is borderline abuse and if you dont try and address things now, just know that it will only get worse not better. And your resentment will hit the roof.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (27 June 2011):
 So, because he does not beat or cheat..he is a prince?
Prince's do not let their Princesses live a lie of an happily forever after. You praised him more for negative things he does not bring to your life.
Do not feel guilty for feeling UNEQUAL.
You are not undeserving of equal standing in the home or the bedroom. He is not being sweet or sensitive to your needs. Yet, you need to be aware that you "helped" him believe all is well at home.
You mentioned that you use housework to compensate for your lesser income/financial standing. You have been doing all the cooking, cleaning, entertaining. Have you asked him to help or delegated/negotiated who is responsible for what chores? You are resenting it now as you are trying to balance your career.
You mentioned that he does not pleasure you equally in bed.
You did give him the false impression you WERE satisfied, by boosting his ego with faking orgasm. Starting now, stop faking it. If you do not reach climax and he asks about it, tell him what WOULD bring you pleasure.
Faking it teaches men to be selfish in bed and gives false security. If he asks why you no longer reach the big "O" like you used to, you are going to have to confess that you faked a few times because you did not want to dissapoint him.
You are going to HAVE to get over the idea that talking to someone is a conflict. An open, honest converstation about some awkward and uncomfortable subjects is not a confrontation-it is a CONVERSATION. If you can not be honest with him, then you should not be with him. Otherwise, you will keep hiding your true feelings and lying to him and yourself.
Nothing can possibly change until you bring the problem to the light.
Hopefully, as you start being more honest, he will realize that you have not been happy with these inequalities and he will want to know how he can bring more of himself to balance things out.
Some men are so oblivious that you HAVE to talk/ask or else they think you are just fine with the arrangments.
Best Wishes.
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A
male
reader, mrg123  +, writes (27 June 2011):
 The insanely short answer is YES to confronting these problems. The reason being that its only a matter of time before these 'minor niggles' start turning into major problems - rows for no reason etc etc. You clearly don't feel your demands are legitimate and that inherently your feelings are not worthy of consideration and this means that you shy away from conflict. It also suggests a slight dash of low self-esteem but it doesn't seem too major. You need to get rid of that feeling before you talk to him though else it's a pointless exercise, you will just roll over and nothing will change. You need to reinforce yourself, remind yourself that you have a legitimate position - that your feelings be taken into consideration and given equal weight in what is, after-all, a partnership. Good luck and let us know what happens :)
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