A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am currently in a relationship, but my ex wants to meet with me, and I don't know if I should. The relationship with my ex didn't last very long, just a few months. Our break up was pretty mutual, and we agreed to remain friends, and we talked and hung out. All together, I've known him for over a year. There was a point at which I stopped talking to him though, because he tried to kiss me. He has recently contacted me though because he had good life changing news and wanted to share it with me. I know he had been going through some insane drama in the past few years, and it just finally got resolved. So he contacted me because he wanted to celebrate the good news and meet for a celebration dinner. I do think it's wonderful news, and I'm genuinely happy for him. I also would like to be on good friendly terms with him if it can be helped (I'm not saying I want to be good friends with him and talk to him and hang out with him often, but I just want there to be good will between us). I feel that the attempted kiss back then was just a slip up on his part, so I'm not holding it against him anymore. I just get a feeling he genuinely wants to be friends and nothing more, though I admit I can't say for certain. In any case, since I was happy for him, I did already tell him I'd meet him and treat him to dinner to celebrate. Here's the problem though. I'm not worried about anything happening or sparks being reignited. There's a reason we are exes, and I'm not revisiting that. The problem is, I really like my bf, and I realize that this may be disrespectful to him. We've only been dating for a few months, but I'm very much into my new bf to the point where I think he might be the one (it's still too early to tell, but I've never felt this way about anyone before). My bf knows the entire situation with my ex. But I haven't yet told him about the celebration dinner coming up, but only because this just happened and I havne't had a chance to talk to my bf yet, but I plan to tell him when I see him next. But now I'm thinking I might just cancel the dinner with my ex and not go through the trouble. I thought about it some more, and I realize that this might be really disrespectful. I have a feeling that my bf will tell me that it's fine and that I should go, but I don't want to even put him in that situation... But I just can't tell if I'm overthinking this. I would just cancel to be on the safe side, but I would also hate to cancel on my ex if I don't need to(though it's not a problem if I have to) just because I'll feel bad about flaking and setting him up like that. So, should I just cancel the dinner with my ex, or is it fine if I see my ex with my bf's acknowledgement? OR would it be really strange if I brought my bf to the dinner as well? (My ex knows I have a bf now).
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2011): Thank you all so much for your help! I'm the op, and I ended up canceling the meet up. I hate flaking, but I thought it was for the better. I did talk to my bf about it afterward, and even though he said it was fine, I decided that it would be disrespectful, and if it were the other way around, I'd also be bothered but say it was okay. thanks again!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2011): Haha I have no doubt as to your ex motives at all. He gets over some major life drama and who's the person he turns to, to celebrate it? You, his ex.
OP this is the classic "I've changed, all my drama is gone I think we should give it another go, I just want to show you I'm not that guy anymore" dinner.
OP you're not that close to him, yet he has asked you out on a dinner date. He's tried to kiss you before too.
He has asked you out on a date OP, I don't get how you don't see that.
You say you want to be on good terms, but you're already on good enough terms for him to ask you out on date. That's enough to be honest. That's good enough.
There really is not point at all in getting any closer and giving your current boyfriend something to worry about. There really is no need for any of this OP.
Just say thanks for the offer but no thanks.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (1 April 2011):
 Well what is he celebrating? If he is celebrating getting engaged, then it would be fine to go for a dinner with him. But if it is anything else, then I would be concerned why he is so eager to celebrate his good news with you?
Think of it this way - would you be ok with your boyfriend going for dinner with his ex? Even if he said they were just friends? I think you would naturally be a bit uncomfortable because going out for dinner, just the two of them, people with history is just a bit odd.
If you just want 'good will' between you then it sounds like you have this already, it sounds like you talk from time to time and are friendly. There is no need to take it further where you are going out for dinner just the two of you, that is one step past being friendly. To anyone else it would look like a date, and despite your ex knowing that you have a boyfriend, going out just the two of you for dinner could give him the wrong idea.
I think, unless he is engaged, then going for the dinner is a bad idea as it could give the wrong idea to your ex and would be disrespectful to your boyfriend. If you really really want to go then by all means talk to your boyfriend and see how he feels, but I think the right thing to do here is not to go, maybe just send a congratulations card or something to your ex.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, bernergirl +, writes (1 April 2011):
 I would just cancel. I think it is great that you are a supportive friend and I would tell him that you still support him and are happy for him, but that it would just be unfair to your bf and your relationship at the current time. Then if he says well invite him along...then I think there is your green light.
I know that may seem extreme, however I think it could only add confusion to what you have. Your top concern here or number one priority right now is your current relationship. If it were me, it would make me upset. I know you think he doesn't have feelings for you, but I think he does. Guys usually don't take girls out to dinner just for the heck of it (if he is planning a dinner then he has feelings for you) otherwise he would just tell you what is news is and then would meet for a dinner....he just asked you out, planning a dinner, big news, insane drama over...more committed, good friends that once were romantic. Everything you just mentioned sounds like a courtship....I hope that helps, let me know what happens!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2011): If you're confident about your ex's motives, he's receptive to a friendship with your boyfriend, your boyfriend is a reasonable sort and you'd be fine were the situation reversed then you're not out of bounds by asking, especially if he is invited too (whether he joins or not is up to him but if he is to be excluded I would cancel the date).
If you do approach him, then be as light as possible. Sitting your boyfriend down for a serious talk will trigger his suspicion. If it's not a big deal, then treat it that way and he will be more likely to as well, whatever his answer.
Youre right, it's generally not a good idea to keep exes in our lives if we don't have to, but I have seen it work out now and then. Best of luck.
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