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female
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*ulesy
writes: Last year, after a 2 year failed relationship with a man 10 years younger than myself i came to london (from Germany) to do an MA in painting. The end of the relationship had thrown me into a bit of a depression and i lost a lot of my self-esteem. The question was 'what shall i do with the rest of my life'. Haveing decided a long time ago that i was'nt very interested in having kids, I decide to pursue my artistic talents and get really ambitious. (My way of dealing with the pain)Since being in London I have experienced many wonderful things and my confidence has once again soared. My plans seem to be comeing true. I had also decided that I wanted to enjoy 'exploring' men and relationships.BUT Instead of feeling free to do this i have got myself involved with someone on a deeper level. I battle with myself because I see him, I care for him but I am unsure of him. He seems to have no goals or ambitions and I feel continuosly 'disappointed'. So i date other men too. I have told him i do this. He has told me not to sleep with them (I have not) but I am tempted to. If I truelly loved him, surely I would not feel the need to do this?I know that no one is perfect (least of all myself). BUT my question is, at 41, should I stop looking for excuses not to be in a stable relationship and settle down. Should i judge men by another set of values and not by their standing in life? or should i continue to explore and see what happens??Should i be more tolerant at 41
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2008): Thankyou for all your varied and honest opinions.each one spoke a huge grain of truth to me.
I have no problems with this man i am dating...He has persisted with me and that is the key.More an more i allow myself to fall into a relationship with him.
However...call it what you may...and perhaps you are angry with me but the question in my heart is still...
...at 41 am i meant to be settled and serious and no longer 'enjoy' other men? Is that the end of all other relationships.THE END!
you may call me the 'huntress'...i still feel the desire to explore what is out there.I cannot ascertain if this is due to restlessness, age anxiety (because i know i will 'burn out') or real curiosity.
Whatever the reason i have the feelings of a man (who really cares for me) to consider...and this is eating me up
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2008): Sometimes people complain about a "lack of ambition" and that's exactly what the problem really is. But other times that is just a rationalization for being discontent with the guy's level of wealth. Ask yourself this: What if he was no more ambitious to get ahead and work harder than he currently does, but he had always been in a wealthier/more successful career to begin with? (Basically, what if he was just as unwilling to keep climbing the ladder but he was sitting at a higher step to begin with?)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2008):
Your an Artist....you paint many pictures and see many things that others don't, i am sure...you will be very in tune with your feelings and you are CREATIVE, in my eyes creativity is always evolving and growing and if you are in a stagnent relationship i think you will feel discontent a little more because of been creative. I would try and get him more involved with creativity to try and help him evolve with you. I too am an Artist and i think life should never become still and colourless, colour the world and hopfully with the man you love.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (7 August 2008):
 The question you asked yourself back in Germany, what you should do with the rest of your life, and the question you ask yourself now, whether you should not continue looking for excuses, suggest that you have a personal problem. I don't think these questions are philosophial or existentialist, but perhaps an indication that you really don't know what to do with yourself.
I don't think any relationship with any man would work that way. It seems you're trying to find someone strong who will make up for that part of you that isn't fully developed. He'll be the strong one who will give you a sense of purpose in life. I'm afraid that shouldn't be that way. I know it happens, but I also know it doesn't seem to work out well.
As to whether you should judge a man for his standing in life, that is a tough question, I guess, and much would depend on you. The tricky word here is "standing". A millionairess won't find a hard-working weller to be "in good standing", even if he does make good money, is very good in his trade and does have goals. I wonder what "good standing" really means. It usually means "someone rich enough to meet my standards".
I think choosing men on this criterion is up to you. I can't tell you you should only date Nobel-prize winners quantum physicists, or no-prize winners manual laborers; that's up to you. Most women want a man who will be able to provide their needs. Nobody wants to marry a man in order to keep him. Only you can tell who is right for you.
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