A
female
age
51-59,
*lly7
writes:should I invest anymore time in this relationship? I been with my partner for just over 2 years. things started on complicated grounds. He is still married and lives with wife though they have technically split up but have to live together due to immigration and is waiting for papers to remain here. it took along time for me to accept and believe his story and I do. though the relationship is good he treats me well and stays with me 5 days a week. while he is out of work. he does help out a little in contribution but very little as he has little money too though i question that cause i have seen bank receipts and always seems to have money. i have become extremely paranoid and always have this feeling he is hiding something but have no idea what. he is extremely intelligent and very good with his words. I love him dearly but my paranoia is going to destroy it sooner or later . I dont hide the fact to him that i am paranoid and he is understanding. but it wont go away. things he does ie. when we first met he had 2 cell phones one for me and one for others and never had my number on. i told him i not happy so now he has one with my name on. but When he not with me i have to wait for his call when he goes out. he used to have phone switched off. but i complained now he has it on but on silent when he is there and when he is here. i asked why he said cause credit card people are chasing him. cause he run up debts due to courts and solicitors to fight to stay in this country. and also he dont want wife to know anything about him and he dont want to know anything about her. they live together but never communicate unless its about immigration papers. nothing seems to be happening with that at all. he has been advised that he will get at end of year as been in country 14 years. then he can move with me and divorce and have a future. but this paranoia is destroying me. is it worth hanging onto. I no nothing bout his life i know his address but never been there. I just have to hang on to his words that everything he says is true. i explained that he met my friends and family and knows everything about my world. he dont have friends he says they are all back in his country. for all i know he could be totally honest i have no proof of anything and accept i will never have. yes i do have a little self esteem but i am by far not stupid. he is consistent with his stories. and when he is with me he is very loving indeed. but i check his phone often and found nothing. but i confessed i have. now m paranoia tells me he could have another hidden somewhere. it is getting extreme now. and am so aware of it.
View related questions:
debt, divorce, money, self esteem, split up Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2010): Hi, when I met my ex, he was living with his wife, estranged as she was seeing someone else. They did eventually divorce but delayed it a bit because they were worried about money/selling the house. The point is, that I was able to phone him at home and his wife's partner was able to phone her at home. They had separate bedrooms, which I saw for myself because he took me inside once when I dropped him out (she was out). Also, I met his son who confirmed that their marriage was over and said he couldn't wait for them to get divorced because they were damaging for each other. If you can't phone him at home and he is cagey and suspicious etc .. then you should be suspicious. Being open and transparent is important. In my situation I used to phone him at home in the evening and she would answer the phone and go and get him and their son confirmed that his mother had a new partner. The proof was also in the pudding as they did divorce and now live separately and I saw some of the divorce paperwork. If you have doubts, talk to him and if he can't reassure you and demonstrate then you may need to rethink your relationship. If he stays with you five days a week that is quite a lot. So you are seeing him a lot but he should be happy to be open and transparent if he is really telling the truth. Good luck x
A
female
reader, Elly7 +, writes (3 March 2010):
Elly7 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI really hear what you are saying angzw. everything he says is very consistant and plausable. apparantly he says she is pyscho paranoid. and beleives that russian spies ar watching her etc. i am kinda thinking did she become that way and am i going the same way. cause my paranoia is bad now. i have 2 kids and he lives in london so it is really hard for me to get there. but i soo want to confront his wife but would that be dangerous thing to do? he has mange to keep this up for over 2 years now. he was very honest from the start i give him that. but now i have to decide to wait to end of year ffor him to get papers and eat my words or throw in the towel now. i often say to him am I just something to escape from cause he is so unhappy with his life in London. when we met he gave a big speech about how he hates cheating and would never cheat and hates people who do that.and he feels coz they are disconnected on every level and she wants to get rid of him as much as he does her. so difficult as i am a person who like hard evidence. and desparetly seeking it but coming up with nothing.
...............................
A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (3 March 2010):
I remember my x's girlfriend saying to my x during our confrontation "but you told me she knew about us! But you told me we are going to be together as soon as she signs the divorce papers you showed me!" I had never discussed any divorce or seen any papers; our marriage was the best it had ever been and he had been talking about a second honeymoon; and I did not know about her. And do you know what my x said to her in reply? "I lied to you. I'm never going to leave my wife. It's over. You were nothing but a body and I used you. What can I say?"
I felt sick hearing him be so cruel. The point is, unless he tells her in front of you that he is no longer with her then he could be saying anything. On Oprah a few weeks ago there was a show where a sexy martial arts immigrant had about 9 women on the go at the same time, telling them all how much he loved them and he gave them all AIDS. Decent single mothers over 40, who wanted desperately to believe that he was for real. What he says to you has to be backed up by concrete action. If they are indeed living separate lives then you should be able to pick him up from his house.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (3 March 2010):
He could say to her he's away on business. He could be telling her that he is you. Who knows. The point is, he is still married, and that's enough to make me suspicious.
...............................
A
female
reader, Elly7 +, writes (3 March 2010):
Elly7 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi thanks for your answers. he married before he come to this country they both came on ayslum i have seen the documentation and is all true. if he really is still in a relationship why is he able to come thursday and stay till monday night? if i was his wife i would certainly question that but it seems she is not interested.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (3 March 2010):
 Exactly. A slight twist to the same old married man story. Tell him to look you up AFTER the divorce. Chances are you won't be seeing him again. Find a happy place Elly.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (3 March 2010):
I will tell you straight that this man is using you. Your self esteem is preventing you from seeing the truth. He is using his wife, and is using you. Move on from him.
...............................
A
female
reader, Angzw +, writes (3 March 2010):
I am shocked that you have fallen for this story. When you are in the situation you can't see it but everybody else can. If he married this woman in order to get papers to stay, then he is doing everything necessary to keep her believing that he loves her including sleeping with her. If she knew about you and had told you herself face to face that it's only for immigration then I might have encouraged you to work things out. But from your story, you only know what he tells you. You don't know what the wife has to say about this relationship. Chances are, if it ever came to a confrontation, he would dump you and go with his wife. Cheaters use lots of different stories to make their girlfriends believe that they are not in a real marriage. My advice is dump him and then he can call you when his divorce comes through.
...............................
|
