A
male
age
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*endero luminoso
writes:I have met a German married woman. I am in UK, 57 divorced. She is 44 with 3 children. We met at a party in Germany and she told me her husband no longer has sex with her since 6 years. We talked all night. The past 4 months we talk every day on the phone, and we have spent 9 nights together in hotels. Her husband suspects nothing and nobody else knows about our relationship. She doesn't like her husband and wants me to come and live in Germany near her, but she won't commit to leaving her husband.She said she felt guilty for using me for sex. I think she doesn't want the hassle of divorcing her husband, but wants me as her secret lover. But we can't keep it secret if I moved to Germany. I have been offered a job in her home town. Should I insist on her promising to leave her husband before I move to Germany?
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female
reader, Keeley345 +, writes (23 December 2015):
I'm pleased you decided to stay and have met someone new. Sounds like the German lady wanted an affair partner (what you'd call a mistress) if you were female. You honestly deserve better.
A
male
reader, Sendero luminoso +, writes (23 December 2015):
Sendero luminoso is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Keely! The update on this is I turned down the job offer in Germany because she confirmed she wanted to stay married to her husband but still be my lover. She actually wanted me to lodge with her and her family while I took up the job as teacher in her children's school. She planned for me to help her kids each night with homework. I was to sleep in a guest apartment they have separate from from their house. She proposed we have sex often, which would relax her. I said that we would be discovered by her 9 year old daughter and she reluctantly agreed to let me stay in a flat in town. However I turned the job down and she was devastated. She wants to come over and see me in January. I have met another woman locally, so I can tell my German friend its over. Painful decision.
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A
female
reader, Keeley345 +, writes (23 December 2015):
Oh boy! This sounds complicated. The bottom line is she's married. Asking her to leave her husband may not help. If she is unhappy with him them she needs to leave but it must be her decision. Affairs are never good and cause a lot of stress and pain.My advice... End things. If you move to Germany there will be problems. Unfortunately nothing good is going to come of this relationship between you two. I feel empathy for you as I've been attracted to married men before. But looking back I'm glad I stopped anything from happening with these men.Some of them were interested in dating me at the time, they said their wives made them unhappy, they had no sex life etc But...they're still with their wives today.So if they were unhappy, they'd have left their marriages by now. But luckily I did not have relationships with them as I would have been left hurt. And you WILL get hurt.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (30 November 2015):
 Not guilty enough to leave her husband and not guilty enough to not have you as her piece of cake and eat it too. All you are is whats missing in her relationship, she has the security of him and sexual satisfaction of you. Sounds like she has every intention looking out for her own needs and not that of her husband or you.
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A
male
reader, Sendero luminoso +, writes (30 November 2015):
Sendero luminoso is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks very much for your sensible answers. Due to the secret nature of my liaison, I have absolutely no one I can confide in. Hence my question is so easy to answer. I shall not be moving to Germany until after she and her husband have sold their family home and she has bought herself a new house. In October I spent 2 days house hunting with her. Then she sent her husband an email asking for separation and proposing to sell the family home, and to buy two new homes. He has agreed. The house will go on the market, but could take months to sell. Only then could I contemplate going over to stay with her, possibility for July and August when I am off work. And she would need to invite me. She says it will take 2 years for the divorce to come through. I may have to wait until then if there are complications with the separation. I have no doubt she loves me and wants me as a future partner and tutor to her children. She is disappointed at waiting that long, but if we know there is light at the end of the tunnel, it will be worth the wait. Thank you everyone for your invaluable help! I feel at peace now.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2015): "Should I insist on her promising to leave her husband before I move to Germany?"
No, you should insist on her DIVORCING her husband before you move to Germany.
All you know about her marriage is what she's told you, and it could all be a pack of lies (and given that she is capable of lying to her husband then she is certainly capable of lying to her paramour).
Women who cheat on their husbands with back-alley lovers are no different than men who cheat on their wives with back-alley lovers; she's telling you what to hear in order to keep you at her beck and call while keeping you her dirty little secret.
And like men who cheat on their wives, she has everything to lose by divorcing her husband yet she stands nothing to gain because you have nothing more to offer than what she's already getting from you.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (29 November 2015):
 You should insist on her giving you actual proof that she HAS left her husband before moving to Germany ! ( unless you'd love living there and would be moving whether you can be with this woman or not ). Promising costs nothing, and talk is cheap. She does not sound too much in a hurry of changing her marital status, and once she's got you there as she wants, there 's nothing easier for her than coming up with reasons why she can't /won't leave her husband just right now, and you need to wait... just a little longer. There's been people who have been somebody's little dirty secret for decades, just based on " promises " .
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A
male
reader, devont +, writes (29 November 2015):
 In a word, yes.
It is not fair on you (or her husband or children) if you move to Germany to be with her when she isn't available.
Until both her and her husband accept that the relationship is over and either make moves to divorce or live apart, there is no place for you in their lives.
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