A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I'm a 20 year old student and have been with my boyfriend for just over a year now.We get along really well, and share a lot of the same interests, so it's never hard to find something to do together. I'm very very much in love with him, just as he is with me, but lately things have been tough. It started gradually. He would get annoyed over the little things I do. I've dealt with some abuse, having lived with an emotionally abusive father until I was 17, and although I do feel very much over it I know I'm still a naturally nervous person. He would get annoyed at me having to be sure of things in fear of making a mistake, or me not being able to decide on things. But it wasn't that often.Lately though, it's gotten to the point where it happens every day. even multiple times a day. He'll get annoyed at me for making a mistake, I'll get upset that he's mad at me, he'll get more annoyed that I'm crying.... We eventually make up, only for it to repeat again.It got too much for me a couple of days ago, and I told him we need to go on a break. we both talked for quite a while and he told me he can't deal with me being confused all the time just as I can't deal with him being annoyed at me all the time.My question is... are these things really equal? I have always loved him for all he is, flaws and all, even if things have bothered me I've never wanted him to change who he is. I feel like the only way to make him happy is to try and change a part of me that I don't remember never being there. None of my friends or family or even strangers have ever said this has bothered them, so I never thought there was really anything wrong with me.It's his 21st birthday next week and I've already planned the day and gotten all of his presents, and I'd be so upset if I didn't get to spend it with him, but I don't want to make up like nothing happened, and I don't think thing's can ever change without one of us changing. I've tried my hardest and I know I've improved and gotten more confident in myself, but I still think I have a long way to go before I act "normally". I understand him getting annoyed, and accept sometimes I can be annoying, but I just want to be loved for who I am, flaws and all, without feeling like our relationship depends on me changing. What should I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2015): Stop picking on yourself because he picks on you.
Its not a game ..its a weapon.
Drop the guy who wants to make you miserable and promise yourself that next time you will try a nice guy.
The difference is amazing.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2015): It doesn't sound like he can cope with the relationship as it is; you are you and he cannot expect you to be any different, knowing you had an emotionally abusive father he should tolerate better the anxiety this has left you with.
Have you tried seeking counselling? Your bf's actions are unfair to you, but he cannot be your bf and therapist - and working through some of your issues independant of him might help remove some strain from the relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2015): Hello :)I've been where you are. I had an emotionally and verbally abusive father too. As you are probably aware, this will usually mean that the men you are attracted to are also abusive. I was in three abusive relationships before I realised what was happening and why. Have you considered the possibility that your boyfriend is abusive? He really sounds like it to me. Listen...he is making you feel as if there is something wrong with you. He is making you feel as though you've got to change...as if you're doing something wrong. You are believing him. If he was a non abusive male he would be supporting you, helping you be happy. You sound perfectly reasonable and also I think you would be a happy person if it wasn't for him. We all have our scars and it doesn't sound like yours are anything that someone would get this worked up about if they were being reasonable. My father left me feeling that I could do nothing right. If I was trying to do something practical he would come up behind me and tell me loudly 'YOU CAN'T DO THAT!' or if I was writing something, he never missed the opportunity to tell me what horrible handwriting I had. I still (at age 54) have problems doing practical things in front of people, worrying that I will do it wrong and someone will shout. Sounds similar to your experience. If I had a boyfriend who made me feel much worse about this...what would you think of him?I've been in abusive relationships as I said and they were all had wonderful aspects to their personalities. They all made me feel wonderful, special and loved. Unfortunately it's all part of the abusive pattern. To get you hooked on them.You will possibly have trouble attributing this to your boyfriend and I understand that. Very difficult to believe that someone who seems to love you so much and makes you a very central part of their life would be so calculating as to be making you feel horrible on purpose?Please read a wonderful book that will explain all this to you so much better than I can. It's called 'Why Does He Do That?' by Professor Lundy Bancroft. It's all about abusive men and their tactics and how they make you feel. I hear it loud and clear in your post. I am expecting that you will see his behaviour in between the pages. It will really help you to understand what's happening and why. I was lucky and came across a book that helped me. I want to help people get the right information for them, so they don't have to rely on luck to get help.I will bet my bottom dollar that your boyfriend will just get worse. And make you feel more and more unhappy and insecure. Abusive men like you to feel like this. No confidence, relying on them for everything so they can control you. Don't give up your independence, your car or your earning potential for any man....ever! Always be mindful of the fact that they may wish to do this to you. You are like me. Attracted to the worst kind of man. Good luck, take care and above all...read the book please!
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