A
female
age
,
*londecatlover
writes:I have a new partner, every time we are out, i notice him ogling other women who are younger, and thinner.He says he finds me gorgeous and attractive. So why does he do it?last night he spent all evening eyeing up women, and practically ignored me.I totally lost it with him, and flew into a temper and told him to leave, which he did.Today he rang me and appologised, saying he didnt realise he was doing it.I have forgiven him, but know that next time he does it i will lose my temper again.I am scared of losing him.How can i stop being so jealous?If all he does is look then should i try my best to ignore it?I dont know if i could.We have only been together for 10 days but already i am falling for him, not just for his looks but everything about him.
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female
reader, Tarianna  +, writes (31 May 2009):
 ok...my take on this...I don't find anything wrong with my bf looking at other women..but looking how....I do it too, seeing that I'm bi....but ogling...staring continuously..to the point where you feel non existent...is just wrong...you have to talk to that guy and let him know how your feeling...let him know that you don't find a problem with him looking at the opposite sex...but he should have his limits...you shouldn't be actually seeing him stripping other women naked with his eyes...matter of fact you shouldn't be telling him cause every guy should know how that would make a woman...THEIR... feel...another thing...you aren't jealous...you have all right to get in a temper.... and it seems you've gotten yourself involved with the cheating type or might be he isn't and I'm wrong...idk....you said you fear you are going to lose him...he should be the one worrying about losing you....you don't have to take my advice but if he doesn't stop...just kick that guy to the curb.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2009): My wife and I have been together for over 30 years and we both look at attractive people of the opposite sex, young and old. It doesn't bother either one of us. However, doing so early in a relationship is rude and inconsiderate. It is also inconsiderate if it greatly bothers the person's partner.
If a person in a well established relationship does this and it bothers the other person then they both have something to work on. The person doing the looking needs to be more considerate of his partner's feelings, but the partner who is so bothered also needs to work on their self esteem and confidence. Of course, self esteem and confidence is helped by the other person letting them know how good and attractive they are and what a great partner they are.
Some women have problems with any man who looks at other women. I think that those people have to recognize that different couples have different feelings about things like that. Things like looking at attractive members of the opposite sex and porn are not a problem if both partners are fine with that. My wife and I walk a lot on various trails and we both look at members of the opposite sex and we also get looks from them. It simply makes us feel good about ourselves and feel good about what we have in a partner and it is even obvious that it often makes the other person feel good that someone obviously finds them attractive. Just what is wrong with people making others and themselves feel attractive if it bothers no one? I don't look at women if I think that it will insult them. If one smiles at me than I will check her out as we pass and I normally get a very friendly hello and smile. I feel good and she feels good and my wife is fine with that. I feel the same when my wife does it to some man and it makes her feel good also. We are both happy.
Back to the original question.... If this bothers you then you have to discuss it with him and come to an understanding and compromise on it. If he is spending all the time checking out other women then that is not a good situation. If he does it occasionally then you have to decide if you can accept that. It really is too early in your relationship for him to be doing it to the extent that you say and is also excessive at any point in a relationship.
I have to agree that 10 days into a relationship is way to early to be falling in love or needing someone. It is fine to find that person someone who you like and enjoy being with, but too early to be afraid of loosing them. I do understand it though, as my wife was afraid of loosing me after only 3 dates many years ago. Fortunately, we waited more than 6 years to get married so that we could both be sure that we really wanted each other. That is probably a bit excessive, but it worked for us.
If it bothers you and he won't stop or hold it to a minimum, then move on. Spending all evening looking at other women is not right. When my wife and I were first dating, I never looked at other women while with her. I was just very happy to have her with me and only wanted to look at her and talk to her. When we got comfortable with each other and secure with each other then I would look at other women.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2009): It seems he has some commitment issues.
He goes out with you and ogles other women...........big sign he isn't THAT bothered about you.
If I were you, I'd tell him to cut it out and get a grip.
Can I ask how old you and your new partner are if you don't mind me asking?
Let us know how you get on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2009): Why does he do it? Because he can and he likes the 'scenery'. Stop with losing the temper. Be classy and be strong here. A woman can set boundaries in a firm, mature manner. You've told him how this upsets you. He knows this and yet, he keeps doing it. Is that respectful? No it isn't. Next time he does it, just get up and leave. walk out the door and go home...cool off. And reassess if this guy's worth all this grief. You are right..he's overdoing it and you need to calmly tell him, he needs to curb it when you are with him. His attentions should be on you, his lady....you are well within your right to express your feelings and thoughts about this issue to him.Listen, most men look at other women and I think for the most part..we women can accept that. (after all, we look at other guys) But it's the "way" some men rudely ogle women than many of us find disturbing. Discreet, hidden looks are okay..and many men make huge efforts to ensure their lady doesn't catch them doing it. Men who blatantly ogle and stare at another women in front of their ladylove, like your man..are the guys I have problems with. When it's taken to extreme, I don't care what some men say. It is wrong and disrespectful. There is always this boundary of decency. If you've dated just 10 days, then why are you afraid of losing him? I don't understand that. This is the time frame you should be smart and initially scrutinize and use your head, dear. It sounds like you are engaging your heart far, far, far too fast...you sound almost desperate to keep him irregardless of how much pain/disrespect/hurt he causes you. It's time to be strong and get your confidence back. Tell him to stop with the blatant ogling..tell him to stop showing disrespect to you. If he can't do this, then he doesn't care for you in the way you deserve and it's time to reassess your man's true character and this relationship. So, please, never 'fear' losing someone. That means you need to work on yourself, build your self-love so you will have the confidence to never, ever fear 'losing a loser.' or someone who is not healthy for you. Talk to this guy and set some tough boundaries (do not lose your temper) and see where it goes from there. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, rocknroll  +, writes (30 May 2009):
I wouldn't feel to secure if my wife oogled other guys, so I think we have same responses to what he is doing to you.
If I were you, I'd ask him to search for a real deep reason for his action and then explain it clearly to you so you understand why. Glancing is one thing, but almost drop his mouth looking? Unacceptable, period!
Your jealousy is warranted. It touches your security, such as him leaving or being with some else that takes away from the connection between you two.
If he wants to look, a quick glance, at least look professional at it and not get caught. Maybe suggest sun glasses.
Now on his benefit of the doubt (still no excuse though), is that the relationship is new, and he may feel he doesn't know you well enough and how far you both will go. He may have had a bad experience, and this is what is driving him. I'm guessing of course, and discussion can bring this out.
Remember, be each others friend, be able to talk about things freely, remembering to pull eachother closer so that each of you know that was in the past and is staying there. Both men and women feel jealous, for it is competetion. No one wants to compete for feelings.
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