A
female
age
51-59,
*ider1
writes:My husband's intimacy issues and sexual hang-ups stem from his addiction to adult pornography websites. He has not been able to transcend his addictions to having a normal sex life with me. This is actually been going on for the past 12 years (almost 6 yrs as husband and wife)Finally he has agreed to go to 12-step programs to get help, as well as to destroy the hard-drive software in the computer, that contains all that nasty shit. My question is should I hound him about what he had promised to do, or should I see if his words actually transcend into actions?? He openly admitted to me that he knows that he is sick and that he needs help. I just hope that once he destroys all that soft-ware, that he doesn't go back and re-introduce adult porn back into the new soft-ware. My next question is should I just up and leave this marriage, in despite of all the support and love that we had given each other over these past 12 yrs, over the sex issue???? That would be if he doesn't do even half of what he had promised that he would do, to make our marriage better. I want to wait and see if he is actually going to follow through this time, with making an effort to fix this problem.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2010): I don't know if you will still get this response, but I will post just in case you do...Porn addiction is very hard to understand and many people deny that it even exists. It is however, very real and it damages relationships in a major way. It is NOT your fault and it is not your problem and you cannot fix it. Sexual addictions are the toughest addictions to overcome and they require the utmost diligence to sober living in the form of 12 step meetings, abstinence from masturbation and some psychological help. Here is a good web-site: npsupport.net ...it has a lot of information for both addicts and their significant others. Give your husband some time to work on this, if he is serious about recovery, you should see an improvement in 6 months. Totally recovery can take 5 years and there is the constant threat of relapse.Visit the web-site and best of luck to you :)
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2010): Please think hard on this. Have you knowing/unknowingly contributed to his performance anxiety?
My gf used to look at the watch to see if I could last 30 minutes. It was offending, and I told her she had the choice to take what comes naturally or buy a dildo. Women often introduce performance anxiety into the man without knowing about it, like if you say, I wish your size was bigger, or I wish it was longer. Some men will confront this; most men will feel bad and even move away.
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A
female
reader, rider1 +, writes (9 May 2010):
rider1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Celiaaleta,
I just read your response. Your suggestion is not a bad idea.
However, sometimes my husband just is "not in the mood" when I try to initiate anything. He happens to be usually pre-occupied or busy with something. As his wife and emotional supporter, I will do what I can to see if he responds to me at all. Lately he has been having a very hard time at work, but will be on vacation from it very soon. I think that, that might be the time, and I have to pick my times very carefully that I might just be able to get him "in the mood." My husband by nature is not a romantic person. The boyfriends that I have had before I met my husband, were by nature, romantic. Most of all, he needs a 12-step program to try to stop replacing porn, with having a normal sex life with me. Once again, he is not doing it on purpose. He just has a very heavy addiction to adult internet porn, that he just can't seem to transcend into having a normal sex life with me.
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A
female
reader, rider1 +, writes (7 May 2010):
rider1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Celiaaletta,
I just read your response. To answer your question, no, he doesn't prefer porn to me. As I have mentioned, he has a hard-core addiction problem to porn. Just to reiterate, being a porn addict is actually no different than being a drug addict or an alcoholic. He knows full-well that he needs to be in a 12-step program for sex and internet porn addicts. In response to your other question, yes he does become aroused in my presence alone. To sum it all up, he happens to be dysfunctional when it comes to intimacy. He also has performance anxiety. It could be possible that maybe the internet porn, along with all that he fantasizes about (S and M) and all that shit, helps him to compensate for his sexual short-comings. This problem of his will not go away, until he goes to get help for it.
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A
female
reader, Accountable  +, writes (7 May 2010):
 rider1, I dont think the fem anon was trying to imply it was all your fault, more that you should follow a supportive approach - don't hound your husband or consider throwing away your marriage just yet, at least he is showing good signs of seriously attempting reform! You have survived 12 years already (which I think is a considerable achievement, given this circumstance), I personally would wait and give this course a fair chance.
Good luck, I really hope things work out for you and your husband. :)
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A
female
reader, rider1 +, writes (6 May 2010):
rider1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi female reader,
I just read your answer and needles to say, I disagree with you. First of all, my husbands addiction to internet porn is no fault of mine. He has had this addiction, way long before we met. He is the only one who can fix this problem. His addiction to porn is no different than someone with an alcohol or drug problem. Secondly, he has even told me himself that he has never been able to transcend this addiction to having normal relations with other women. Your comment about "his not being happy is neither here nor there."
Third of all, don't even try to hang this on me!!!! Yes, I am not perfect, but who is??
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2010): Don't give up on your marriage. He is obviously not happy, so you need to look at yourself also. You need to tackle this together and not apart. The book love and war by the eldridges are good, also love languages is a good book. His sexual driver is clearly visual so think about how you can meet this need for him. If every married person thought soley about how to make their partner happy, then the world woud be a happy happy place.
Good luck it is a huge affliction afecting millions...I hate porn it's poison.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (6 May 2010):
Never hound a man. It won't work, and he'll just dig in deeper. If he has said he will get help, then you need to sit back and see whether he does, and give support where needed. The best thing you can do is what you said at the last line, and wait to see whether he follows through with his promise. If he doesn't, then think about the marriage. But let him try before you make a decision, and don't hound him. Let him do it himself.
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