| A
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I have contacted a private investigator to find the family of my deceased friend, but I'm afraid to go through with hiring them. The detective says that, out of respect for the family, they will contact the family and tell them one of their son's friends wants to speak with them, BUT they can't put me in touch with them until the family says okay.This is entirely reasonable. But I'm terrified of going through with it only to have the family say "no".My friend died in 2007. I didn't know until I searched for his name on google a year later. He always suffered from severe depression and tried to take his life once in high school and a second time his first year of college. He always said no one would love him.//I// loved him. I did everything reasonable and some things unreasonable to reach out to him but he would always retreat into solitude and disappear. I have no regrets. The mistakes I made were a result of us being teenagers.But I miss him. And It's killed me for years not knowing if his death was accidental or if it was, as I assume, self-inflicted. I don't want to hurt his family by opening old wounds and none of my current friends understand. So en lieu of advice from my friends I'm asking here, to strangers: Do you think I should attempt to reach out to his family?Any logical advice will be taken into consideration when I make my decision - which honestly might take another few months, or forever.Thanks. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo the first comment: There's no other way than a detective. Super common last and first names, plus a family that moved all the time.
To Drew: I don't feel any residual guilt. I never felt guilt at all. I look at it this way: Had I gotten the courage to actually kiss this guy the two or three times the opportunity presented itself, it would not have changed anything. I was a very good friend to him. I called him. I emailed him nearly every day. I told him how much he meant to me all the time, but I just left out the romantic part. And he would disappear. Suddenly not answer. Not be anywhere. This was well before social networking, which I'm sure he'd have hated. When he stopped answering emails and calls, he was literally off the grid.
In college I even called his school to get his dorm number when he didn't have a cell phone. When I would get a hold of him he would brush me off. I told him several times I would take the train to see him and he always said "no", always because he was depressed. When he was in town I always made time for him. And he STILL would fall into deep depression, convinced he had NO friends and NO ONE cared about him.
The things that drove him to take the negative actions he took were beyond anyone's control but his own. Even if I'd gotten the nerve to ask him out and date him, it would not have made a difference - except to put me in a position where people could try to justify that I had something to do with his unhappiness. And if he killed himself like I think he did, well, at least he got what he wanted. And maybe he was glad for it in the end. I can at least hope for that, which in my eyes is better than an accidental death.
You shouldn't feel guilt over the girl you knew. I am totally with you on the wanting to know what happened... the needing to know. I always need every bit of information because I'm often hyper-rational and I want the facts. But you should consider this: Had you been with that girl, isn't it pretty likely she'd have killed you and your kids with her, like she did the family she ended up having? People with deeply rooted problems can't be healed by others: they have to find the strength to heal themselves. What you did was dodge a bullet - perhaps even literally. But sadly that doesn't diminish the pain of the loss.
To So Very Confused: Yes, death records are public. But only 50 years after someone's death can it be released to someone other than family - except in the event of a possible crime, in which case it is in court records.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (20 May 2011):
 death records are publiccause of death is listed on the death reportyou could just request a death certificate and find out and then not bother the family.
...............................
A
male
reader, Drew21  +, writes (20 May 2011):
 2007 is a long time ago.
I look at it in two ways: On one hand, it could be enough time for them have learned how to deal with his death, and talking about it would not be THAT difficult for them.
However, that's 4 years ago now. Wanting to ask this question now is more then just a bit awkward.
It does seem like perhaps you still feel some guilt?
I had a sorta (kinda?) similar situation. I met a girl my first year of high school. If ever there was such thing as love at first sight, this was it. Everything they say in the movies about time stopping, angels singing, all that jazz happened. I could tell it happened for her, too. However, i was a dummy, didn't have the guts to pursue a relationship, and eventually wound up transferring schools without telling her after 2 years. One of the reasons i didn't pursue it was because mutual friends warned me away from her, saying she had some issues.
Still, even after transferring, i ran into her two other times.... Each time the window was there.. The attraction obviously was still there, (the second time i even ended our conversation with "i always love seeing you", and she said "yeah, Drew, me too.")
That was it. 8 years later, i'm at a restaurant having lunch. I pick up the newspaper, and see a picture of THE GIRL on the front page. I got excited, sayin "wow, what's she doing there?" Find out she had snapped and killed her husband and children and then herself.
That rocked my world. For some reason, all i could think about was "this is my fault. If i hadn't been such a wuss, i would've asked her out, and we would've had an entire life together, and i would have been able to help her through her dark times." I felt SO guilty over this, which is quite ridiculous when you think about it. What could i have possibly done?
I wanted to reach out to her family, and talk to them about it, but honestly what would i have said? "8 Years ago i'm pretty sure i was destined to save your daughter, but i didn't?" That's crazy!
I still think that today, though. For some reason i can't shake that i could've prevented that.
Luckily my girlfriend at the time talked me out of it, convincing me that any residual guilt or interest i had in the matter should be dropped and i should leave it alone.
That's what i think you should do here.
It's unfortunate not having an answer. I'm the same type of personality. I NEED to know answers to everything in my life..
However, this is one case where it is for the best that you just let it be.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2011): I think you should go through with it.
I think it helps you find closure and, If I think your friends family would take comfort knowing that someone outside the family cares and thinks of him especially given his fragile state.
If they don't want to talk to you it might just be they find it too hard to talk about and doesn't mean that the overall experience of you getting in touch wasn't a positive one.
You could have the detective give them your contact info so they would have the option to get in touch with you at any later date - in their own time.
If using a detective is the only way then so be it, but if there is a less clandestine option of making contact I'd use that instead.
...............................
|
