A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:hi im julia im 14 from uk.i have not been sexually active in a term i can relate to (if that makes sense) when i was 13 i was abused and raped and left naked in my own bedroom while my parents had nipped over the road to see a friend, i said i would be ok in the house for 10 minutes and i thought i was but as i went in the back garden a guy attacked me. i have had sex twice through rape by the same man and i told my mum as i am very very close to her. We ended up moving house through this and a few other things. anyway enough blabbing. i am now with a guy. hes 15 im 14 (15 in a few week) and i have been with him for 7 months. i love him to bits. he treats me with respect. my mum likes him and i get along great with his family. the thing is i want to sleep with him. he has never asked me to but i really want to. i feel im ready. i think about it all the time but im scared if we have sex i will see this other guy on top of me pressuring me into it. i have explained to my bf what happened to me and he seemed shocked but ok and said he will not make me do anything and if we do have sex and i feel uncomfortable he will get off me as soon as i say. can anyone help with this problem?? please asap xxxxxxxxxxxx Reply to this Question
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female
reader, doniaa  +, writes (26 December 2008):
 Hi, I'm Sedonia and I was rapee too so we can talk more personally if you want to contact me privately on this site.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2007): My advice to you is to not have sex right now. I know you don't want to hear that you are only going to be 15, but that's just one factor of many reasons you just shouldn't. I was molested by my paternal uncle from age 3-6, I've been verbally, mentally, physically, sexually, and emotionally abused since then by many different people, especially people I have trusted the most. I've even had my life threatened by my step father @ 17 and my lover @ 25. In the course of my life and all the shitty hands I had been dealt, I learned to hate myself and my body. Turned to promiscuity after I was date raped by a male friend @ his apartment when I was grieving the loss of my grandmother by drowning my sorrows in alcohol. After that, I decided what was the point? Self injury, attempted suicides, self medicating with prescription drugs, alcohol, and marijuana each at different times in my young adulthood...nothing ever helped. Now, I'm 27, have 2 beautiful twin boys (I couldn't be happier), live in a beautiful home with their father, and I take life one day at a time. But I look back at the decisions I made in the past and mainly regret not caring for my body. I'm not saying you're not in love with this guy. I'm not saying that you aren't ready. All I AM saying is that you should give yourself more time to heal. The worst "boo boo" (in my experience) is when someone takes a child's innocense. You may never fully heal, but you need to love yourself, trust yourself, find yourself before you can give your heart, soul, mind, and body to someone else...and that someone deserves the whole package as do you!!!
[email address blocked]
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female
reader, mummymeme +, writes (2 May 2007):
Hi, Well you have had alot of answers to your question; i wont go into my experiences as you have enough to get on with! ive found when you find your mind flicking over to the nasty memories when you are with your boyfriend, remind yourself you are safe and you are loved; this works over time, it is also important to reassure your bf that you wont freak out on him, that you need his help and support more than anything to get through this - men love to feel the hero and he will be more than happy to help you feel protected - your mum sounds like your rock, as a mum her job is to be there for you to cling to when you need to; In time you may feel ready to seek counselling, but when YOU are ready; it will be hard but it gives you strength, your mum will be there for you every step of the way. its like pulling a splinter, it hurts like hell until its out then the real healing can start. You are obviously an intelligent woman, you are starting to experience womanly needs but try not to confuse sexual need with the need to feel safe and loved. Your bf sounds very loving and supportive, trust yourself to know what is right for you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2007): Hi Julia, I hope you've found some answers in this website. I agree with Maverick you need some counselling and the websites suggested should be looked at.
I know you said you told your Mum which is more than what I did, I didn't tell anyone until three years ago. I know you have moved etc but what has happened to this monster who raped you? Is that why you moved to get away from his presence. You make no mention of a report or counselling? It seems your boyfriend is very supportive but you need to do something too to get over this, this isn't just about thinking he is on top of you when you have sex, this is about trust, intimacy. I have been with someone for three years and it was the first time I didn't think or feel like what I did. I was raped at 17 and did nothing about it. It effected how I was treated by men all my life, until three years ago. I had promiscious sex, and a bad marriage and hated sex until I met this very supportive man who was very caring and it wasn't like anything I've ever felt because I really knew I trusted and was ready to have that relationship with him. I hope this all makes sense...let me know the answers to my questions if you are willing...I just want to help. Cheers
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A
male
reader, maverick +, writes (29 April 2007):
 Hello Julia (I fell for a girl called Julia once :o( !)
I think you have been through an awful lot for someone of your age and you are still standing which is awesome.
From my personal experience girls who have had bad past sexual experiences will have those experiences come back to affect their future sexual experiences. I think you should look towards dealing with you past experience before trying again. I'm very glad that you have your mum and boyfriend to talk to about this.
I think the next best step for you as person would be work on dealing with this past experience. As you are in the UK you can try these groups:
www.rapecrisis.org.uk
www.rapeline.org.uk
You sound like you have a supportive boyfriend - you may be able to ask him to help you through this. From what you say, he does not strike me as someone who would leave for not having sex with him. As you say he said he won't push you into it.
Please look after youself. M
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male
reader, Say It Straight +, writes (29 April 2007):
Dave has given you some very sound advise and it's very well put, you won't go far wrong listening to him,
Sorry for what you've been through will never be enough but by progressing slowly and thinking about what steps you take and when you'll get through,
Sounds like you have a good boyfriend, talk it all through with him and think about what he might be feeling also, dont pressurise him, remember it's his first time and also remember, there is so much more fun to be had by taking your time, sex is the quick bit, foreplay is the fun bit.
Good luck, you are ready only when both of you are ready and it's well worth spending some time to get it right.
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A
male
reader, Dave2007 +, writes (29 April 2007):
Hi Julia, I saw your question and I wasn't sure whether to reply - but because you said ASAP I thought I would try and help.
I am going to start by saying that I will speak to you frankly as you seem like a very mature girl and you have clearly had a horrific time in the passed.
Although it's a normal emotion for you to want to have sex with your boyfriend I would (personally) say you are too young. One of the reasons you may feel ready and be having such strong feelings is because you were raped. The animal that violated you has pushed your body and (of course) your mind into an area that is very adult (if that makes sense?) and because he has enforced a sexual act on you he has unlawfully made you sexually active. Now I will talk to you as I would any other 14 year old.
When you feel love for someone and then combine this with sex it (of course) can be a very happy place to be, but the amount of problems it brings with it is not worth it (if you can help it). Take a look yourself at the mess adults get themselves in with sex! No matter how old you get you still fall foul of it (in some way or another) and that's people who have experience (and presumably) wisdom behind them!
I am 32 now, and when I was 14 I thought I was grown up. That's the cruel thing about being a teenager, in many respects you are - but you have so much life ahead of you that you don't want to get too caught up with a sexual relationship at your age. It will lead you to making decisions that are possibly not wise because you will begin thinking of yourself as a pair rather than a singular. It's great you have a (seemingly) nice boyfriend - but do try to keep things simple.
The guy you are with sounds very understanding, but remember that he is only 15 himself, although he is older than you - 15 is still very young and remember that you (by asking him for sex) will be making him sexually active too and everything I have said to you applies to him. In general boys are not as mature as girls and you allowing him to have a sex life with you could be opening up a whole can of worms - here again I will give you another frank piece of information (coming from a man) if a 15 year old boy has sex he will talk to his mates about it and will develop a very cocky attitude! So that is something you should be prepared for!! It doesn't matter how nice and kind he is, this is likely to happen - it just does. Its how men are.
OK, here is the alternative advice - because if you want to have sex there is nothing anyone can say to stop you and based on your horrible experience I feel I should give you this kind of practical opinion. The first time you have sex with your boyfriend make sure that you plan it, so don't just find some horrible place and do it quickly. Work out a time and place where you can be alone and comfortable. YOU MUST make sure you have condoms - and you will have to buy these because he will be useless at doing that. Don't rush into it once you are alone, just lay with each other (fully clothed) and kiss and let nature take its course. Because of your fears about having a recurring flashback to your horrible experience it's important you take things this way. Remember you love your boyfriend and I think that the fact you are with him in this way will not evoke thoughts of your previous experience. However if it does happen (which I don't think it will) just explain this to him and have a cuddle and leave anything else for another time. Remember he will be nervous too - and it's very common for guys first experiences to be over very quickly (and I mean quickly sometimes seconds!) so that time together beforehand is very important. Remember this is about you and him making love, because you love each other and not having sex for the sake of it.
I personally feel that you should wait until you are at least 16 before you do anything like this. I promise you, you will be so glad you did later on in life. Also, I think it would be a very good idea for you to speak to a councillor about your previous experiences (again before having sex with your boyfriend) as it's an extremely serious issue for any woman to deal with, but especially someone of your tender years. If you go and make an appointment with your G.P and talk to them, they will give you the name and refer you to a councillor. A councillor will be very patient, kind and understanding with you and they will help you with this matter so you ultimately make a choice that is right for you. They will also advice you about sleeping with your boyfriend and make you feel fully comfortable about any decision you make.
Good luck and all the best!
D
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2007): Hi, dear, I am very sorry that you experienced rape. I too have experienced it once at the age of 20.
Firstly, you did not have sex, the man brutally took control of your body and invaded and violated you in a way that is very demeaning and hurtful. Rape is about contol, it is not about sex.
I strongly urge you to seek some therapy for the rape. You may think you are OK, but if you have never talked about it with anyone other than your mom and your boyfriend, you may have repurcussions of this rape for years to come....it takes hold of your psyche in ways that you won't begin to understand.
Please, do yourself a favor and do not rush into having sex at the age of 14....you may think that having sex with a boy you love will wipe out or cancel out the rape and the feelings of emptiness and pain it left you with, you are feeling a deep loss of self love and self esteem, and having sex early is a symptom of this, and it will make you feel worse about yourself and may even drive a wedge between you and your boyfriend, if he is not mature enough to handle a relationship with you and being intimate with you, there are emotional elements to having sex that you are most likely not prepared to deal with at your young age.
I know you love your boyfriend, and that is a wonderful healing thing, if you remain true to your friendship and don't rush into something that could turn out badly....
Please get some counseling if you have not had any, it is the best thing you will ever do for yourself and will save you years of flailing around lost in self loathing and fear of relationships....
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A
female
reader, beautifulllove  +, writes (29 April 2007):
 i think you should talk to your bf and take things slow as you were raped it can be hard the frist time or anytime after something like that has happend but if you do choice to have sex than just remember its with the person you love try saying hes name over and over as you look at him if possible but anyways just take things slow for really theres no rush your young and everything will soon happen
good luck xoxo
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