A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Somebody plz help me. I made a stupid decision that can cost me my marriage. I'm ashamed,embarrassed, and feel like crap. I got myself involved with a man at my job who liked to do phone sex. He is older than I and married. It was fun at first because I would send him pics and sexy text messages as well as talking dirty on the phone. I promised him sex but then I changed my mind. I think he is crazy. He acts weird and stand-offish. I noticed he started asking me abt my husband, our sex life, and just various things that doesn't concern him. I don't think anyone knows abt this at the workplace and I plan to keep it that way b/c he is a MD. HE WON'T GO AWAY...He keeps calling after I tell him to get lost. He never mentions how many times he called me in a day. Instead when he see's me, he says the same phrase "Hi beautiful-I missed you..don't you miss me". If I don't respond, he makes a scene in front of ppl by trying to grab and kiss me or just saying improper things. It's all abt the sex I know... he can get it from anybody so why is he still hanging around. It's been two years and he still bothers me. He said that if I have sex with him, he will leave me alone. He said he doesn't care if I tell his wife and she wouldn't believe me any way. My husband would kill me if he found this out. My husband does everything for me. He is a good man and takes care of business. I can't tell anybody-I would lose everything. Should I have sex with him so he can be satisfied and go away or should I keep ignoring him? This question may sound familar b/c I asked 4 months ago but nobody gave answers.
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phone sex, sex life, text, workplace Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys for the advice. I did tell my husband and we are really going through drama right now. However, I do feel better. I did confront the other man and he said he would leave me alone. The next day, he called as if nothing was said. I'm in the process of transfering to another hospital.
A
female
reader, No watered down advice here! +, writes (18 December 2010):
 Should you have sex with him? ABSOLUTELY NOT! Why would you add fuel to this fire? He's committing a crime with your permission, Stop him. File a suit. I'm sure you're not the first and won't be the last woman he's done this to, he need to reported to the Medial board so that they're aware of his mental problems as well.Help the next woman that cross his path by reporting him. Trust me. It's not SEX he want. it's your FEAR that's turning him on.Your FEAR of losing your family. "I noticed he started asking me abt my husband, our sex life,things that didn't concern him." Those are your words. I'm saying "He knows you" STOP HIM. HE'S PSYCHO!
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A
female
reader, AliceSullivan +, writes (18 December 2010):
 that is sexual harassment and assault you can get him in trouble for that...
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A
male
reader, soon567 +, writes (18 December 2010):
I would look into a restraining order and reporting him to the medical board. If you tell him that then maybe he’ll back off.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2010): God no! Don't have sex with this horrible man! It will not make him go away and may make him even worse...besides the fact that it would be full-blown adultry that could result in the end of your marriage.This guy is obviously nuts, and though it's about sex, he also wants revenge on you for quitting him. Please do not be alone with him. I think he could be dangerous.Tell him that if he keeps bothering you that you'll file a lawsuit against him for sexual harassment. There would even be witnesses if he publicly touches you. If you threaten him with a lawsuit, it's very likely that he'll leave you alone.After that, simply ignore him. Do not speak to him at all. If he continues to bother you, file a complaint with your employer and see an attorney.And I disagree about telling your husband all the facts. You may want to tell him that a nutty man at work is harassing you, but, if I were you I wouldn't give him all of the details. Even if he does tell your husband, you could always deny it. What proof does he have? If worse comes to worse, I'd even consider looking for another job if I were you.Good luck!
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A
female
reader, yvonica +, writes (17 December 2010):
 I think you should listen to what everyone is telling you... dont have sex with him the dude sounds crazy!
Also realize that Sex has a consiquence girl! What if he has an STD that cant be reverse? what if he gets you pregnant? what if he does something crazy to you?
Having sex with someone is not the answer especially if your married.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2010): "He said that if I have sex with him, he will leave me alone."
Well, he may very well leave you alone after he has cuckolded your husband. That may be the attraction, beyond the physical aspects that you have.
Some guys like to do that, and it gets them off more than the actual sex act.
On the other hand, if you want my opinion, tell him to leave you alone for the rest of your life, and that if he ever talks to you, texts you, contacts your family, or anything else to disturb your peace of mind that you will sue the shit out of him for harassment.
BTW, this is a million dollar suit in the USA, but it takes years to get your 50%, after the lawyers stop their yammering. So, a real pain in the ass.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (17 December 2010):
 I second the comments by Johnny2301. What you describe is clearly sexual harrassment. It's illegal, pure and simple. You have every right to change your mind about pursuing the non-professional relationship (and good for you for coming to your senses).
Begin documenting all the instances of inappropriate behaviour. Research your firm's policy on workplace harrassment, and the relevant state medical board's policies on physician conduct and its complaint procedures. Then, in a professional way, make it clear to him that you will no longer tolerate this behaviour and that you will take appropriate steps if he does not cease and desist.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2010): '....Should I have sex with him so he can be satisfied and go away...."
You know how despicable you sound by doing asking this. Lady, this is what got you in the dwang in the first place. Your flirty and adulterous behaviour.
If this is your attitide then what can we do to convince you otherwise. YOU need to want to put an end to all this sh!t and not to actively participate.
TELL YOUR HUSBAND dammit! tell him everything so that when the pawpaw hits the fan at least he would be aware of what was happening.
if you care anything for your hb you need to start talking. NOW!!!!!!!!! if not kiss your job goodbye, firneds and family life goodbye. Oh and your husband too. Is this what you want??
Next time, remember you are married and these sex games should be kept for your husband. no use crying wolf now when u are contemplating having sex with this other man.
LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, Johnny2301 +, writes (17 December 2010):
 Alright, it seems you have recognized the mistake you made by getting involved with this man, and I commend you for that. Now that you have realized a mistake was made, it would be very foolish to get involved with this man in any other way. If you give in to this man and have sex with him, he will only have that much more control over you. Trust me, this man sounds like someone who enjoys manipulating others and he would love to have this as leverage over you. As such, I highly advise against doing anything else with this man in an intimate manner.
You mentioned that he talks and touches you inappropriately at work. It sounds as if this has been witnessed by a number of other people. Frankly, I would tell him to leave you alone and never touch you or ask you for sexual favors again or you will report him to the administrative staff. As an MD he is not only subject to rules by the hospital, but by those set by his profession as well. This man has a lot to lose, you should not be afraid to tell him how far you will take this. If the employer does nothing to assist you then you may consider filing a lawsuit against them (i.e., a hostile work environment claim). The law is there to protect people like you and there are some very serious consequences for employers that do not take reasonable measures to prevent things like this.
On another note, you might consider telling your husband of what has happened. Although you have not yet had sex with this guy, you have cheated at least on an emotional level. Perhaps this will be seen as less serious, perhaps not--that is something you will have to think about. However, if he takes it well and you are able to tell him about this harassment, he may step up for you and give this other man a verbal lashing that is obviously needed.
Again, I want to emphasize that you should not have sex with this man if you do not want to. The actions this man engages in are clearly sexual harassment. If these occur at your workplace then you should inform your employer. If your employer does not act, you should consider finding an attorney--or at least communicate this threat to your employer. This man, as a doctor, should be utterly ashamed of himself. He is a disgrace to the profession. As such, I would probably advise reporting him to whatever board handles professional misconduct in his profession as well.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (17 December 2010):
 Of course you shouldn't have sex with him, what kind of whacked-out reasoning is that?! Phone sex is one thing full blown intercourse is entirely another. Your husband is going to be pissed because cheating is cheating but I think he'll be less angry over phone sex than knowing another guy had carnal knowledge of his wife. Tell your husband. Hopefully he'll be mad enough to go wipe the floor with the good doctor and settle this once and for all. Remember you brought this on yourself.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2010): Definately not. NO. It will make everything 100% worse. Just tell this man you are not interested. If needs be tell your husband. But don't carry this any longer. It has gone on long enough. A bit of inappropriate silliness has turned into a long term nightmare. You need to call a halt for the your own good.
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A
female
reader, sammi star  +, writes (17 December 2010):
 Even if you did sleep with this man he wouldn't leave you alone. He's enjoying the hold he has over you. Don't make the situation worse by giving him what he wants.
You got yourself into a mess and you realise now how reckless you were, maybe it's time to talk to your husband. Firstly you could try confronting this man and telling him that if he doesn't leave you alone you will go to the head of company or somebody independent in HR as this is harassment. Failing that threaten him with the police.
If this doesn't have any affect then I don't see what choice you have other than owning up to your husband.
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (17 December 2010):
 No, you cannot give into him. Right now what you did was wrong, but technically you didn't cheat and your marriage is salvagable. However, if you go the distance and have sex with him, your marriage would truly be over because you will have crossed that line.
You made a mistake but you did the right thing by changing your mind about having sex with him. Don't screw up that decision by doing it after all. You may not like hearing this, but the best thing you can do now is tell your husband. Obviously this other man isn't going away, and he's using your secret to blackmail you into having sex with you. Once your husband knows, what else can this other man use against you? Sit down and tell your husband the truth. Yes, he will be mad... but don't you think he will be more mad if he finds out from someone else first such as this other guy?
The mistake was already made. You can't take it back now. But you can FINISH the mistake by owning up to it and telling your husband the truth.
Don't have sex with this other man.
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A
male
reader, doublejack +, writes (17 December 2010):
I'm sorry, but someone this obsessed and crazy is very unlikely to be satisfied and "go away" if you have sex with him once. Rather, it is more likely it will just give him more leverage over you and lead to demands for even more sex.
You've created a mess, and the only way I see out is to come clean with your husband. This is exactly why people should think it through completely before they start something inappropriate behind the back of their significant other.
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male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (17 December 2010):
 Umm... Hell no!!
Might be best to take the venom out of the cobra and just tell your husband...
Just a thought.
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