A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I met my wife online and we had a great relationship in the beginning. She was NEVER in a long term relationship before me but I never thought that to be a problem until we started having problems. I was previously married and have 4 kids. While we were dating and then when engaged and living in the house she was more into me. She did so many things that were really like wow. Although she has always had a problem saying she loves me and still does to some extent, she did so many other things that sexually and relationship wise were incredible and new for me. She moved in with us adding a 1 1/2 hour commute to her morning. We got married and she got pregnant almost instantly. She had a bad pregnancy and things started to go down from there. The things she did stopped almost completely. Believe me I felt for her and sympathized with her sickness and everything but I'm still a man and a partner who wasn't never getting any time with his wife where it felt it mattered. The baby is now 7 months and things are still the same. Although she is not sick, obviously the fun times and things have died. I have asked and brought them up many times as to why and she just gets upset that I don't see what she does for me and why do those things have to be such a big deal. I feel weird describing this stuff on here but before she would always attack me and play around, bite my neck and actually gave me hickeys even though we were in our 30s. Sexually she would tease me all the time but it made me know she was interested in me by brushing me on the groin or even start a quick blowjob in the kitchen. I never really got a blowjob except once a month in the bedroom but the tease stuff was more often even just with her hand. I used to go down on her all the time because I wanted to and she liked it. I felt that might help her do it more. Our first Christmas together she let me shoot photos of her in a santa get up and nude and with us doing stuff. Now we had sex but it was just sex. I even told her that she didn't have to swallow, something she had done by herself when we met. There was never any romance and I'm used to that even though I'm a guy. Even with that everything was fresh and fun and I was really into her. As things died so did my will to want to initiate or reciprocate. I was always grabbing her or calling her gorgeous. I understood I might not get the same sort of treatment until she felt more comfortable in the relationship but we've been together for over 2 years now. Bj's are more than 3mths now and have only been teased twice within that time. She will always have sex if I initiate it but she never does. I initiated a joking comment session with her last night about how she never touches me anymore unless we are having sex and she always denies it and I can only go so far without upsetting her. Her reply to everything is that she is tired and we don't have enough private time and she is trying to adjust to having all the kids problems to deal with as well as forgets because of all of that to which I told her is garbage since the baby since we brought her home goes to sleep at 9 and sleeps til 8. We have tons of time and how long does it take to make a comment or attack me like before when the same kids minus baby were around. She doesn't understand you need to make time for that stuff. I even said well how come if you are so tired and stressed from the kid stuff and traveling can you not wait to get home and see the baby and then remember to wash her bottles and feed her etc etc. I love her still and really enjoy her company but I feel like not doing for her like I did before. I guess my question is am I expecting too much or should I go to a marriage counselor?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2011): It a catch 22 - you don't appreciate her and she does not appreciate you. She definately feels that you don't appriciate her because you have a wife who has been through a difficult pregnancy, first child, 4 other children in the house, she works full time contributing to the family income and standard of living. And she is having sex with you but you think you are entitled to more. A sense of entitlement makes you unappreciative of what she does do you are looking at what she is not doing that you are entitled to. I think you have much to be concerned about, 75 % of 2nd marriages end in divorce. You may be headed in that direction is you don't reframe the way you are looking at your life. You are more fortunate than you know but you may realize it when she leaves you because you don't appreciate her. You criticism her, belittle what she does and you expect her to make a you feel good. Why, are you so deserving? Think about what you are doing, there were reasons you were divorced previously, don't repeat your mistake or you will lose what you have.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThx ....I am very verbose and I was worried I would write too much but I guess I didn't do enough to answer that. I have been with my 4 kids for years by myself so cooking cleaning and taking care of them is what I'm used to no less something that is second nature.
I am the one who has to wake the baby up get her ready and take her to daycare. I change and feed her at night and weekends.
She really has more than enough free time and that is part of the problem I feel for her to say she's too busy. She sits in the bedroom and plays with the baby and watches tv.
It kills be to be like this because I just don't feel excited or that she appreciates what I do do for her.
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A
female
reader, Misssy2 +, writes (18 December 2010):
 I think when she tells you she is tired and stressed. That she is telling you the truth. Life has changed significantly for both of you. And in the 2 years..that you have been waiting for her to "warm" up she has been pregnant..giving birth and adjusting to a lifestyle as husband and wife (with kids from another marriage). It seems she didn't quite understand what she was getting in to. And it seems that you really didn't understand what you were getting into either. Along with all the things I mentioned...I'm sure her body has changed as well because of the pregnancy and she could be in some depression about that as well. You are married, which means you are commited to making your relationship work. I think with some more time...and adjustment...you two will start to open up to each other...emotionally and then the physical stuff will come. Be patient with her and with yourself, since you both are going thru alot...Know that TIME will tell you either way if you should go to a counselor. I would suggest, seperate counseling for now so that you can individually figure out what you are going thru..and then at a later time...if needed...marriage counseling.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (18 December 2010):
 Hate to break it to you, but having a kid usually kills ones sex life. It takes work on both sides to make sure it doesn't slack off, like yours apparently has.
You may want to investigate going on a date again. Take her out some place nice or take a mini vacation. Try not to make sex the ultimate focus of the event, but simply to have fun with one another again.
Another book you may want to read together is Dr Laura Schlessinger's "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" It sounds like a book written for wives, but it actually works both ways.
Either way, you'll have to get to the bottom of this issue. Sadly what you are going through is somewhat common.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (17 December 2010):
 What do you do for her now? Do you help her take care of the children? You realize that one baby makes all the difference in the world. Do you help her take care of the children? You are her partner and once things are alright family-wise you two can get back to having your fun. You have to take responsibility and relieve her of some of her duties, take care of the children, help her neaten up the house, help the kids with their homework or help her prepare dinner. Help her free up some time and meanwhile, perhaps she will find more of an attraction to you as you do so.
I hope that helps.
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