A
female
age
51-59,
*arie2u71
writes:I'm going to try to make this as short as I can, but not sure if I can... there's a lot of history.I have been married to my 2nd husband for 12 years. I have three children from my first marriage and he has one daughter from his first marriage. We won custody of his daughter when she was 8, shortly after we got married because she said that her mother was smoking drugs and neglegting her, so we fought and won. Our family was my three kids ages 9, 7 and 4. and his daughter was 8 at the time the problems began. She started off loving the new life and her new brothers and sisters but I think that she became jealous of my kids because they had been living with her dad for a while before she got too. She started munipilating my kids by telling her dad things they were doing and getting them in trouble by him and when I would questions my kids about why they had done what they did they would tell me that she was involved too, but she told and didn't get in trouble. She had told my kids "go ahead, don't worry about dad I will handle him" and then they would and she didn't get in trouble. When I pointed it out to him he would ignore me and make me feel like I was trying to hurt her. He would tell the kids they needed to work for their allowance and for what they wanted in life, but every time his daughter went somewhere without us he would secretly give her money and she would "accidently" tell me about it when she got home with new stuff she bought. I thought that was unfair but again when I brought it up he would lie about it and when I would ask her in front of him about where she got the money, then I was being unfair to her. That was how the years with the kids as CHILDREN were, now the kids are 21, 20, 18 and 15. My husband told the kids if they graduated that we would give them a thousand dollars for a gift to help them get started in life, well, My 21 year old son has been graduated and my husband used his grad money to fix his car for him, and working since 16, married and on his own since he was 17 and my 18 year old daughter just graduated has been working since she was 16 and living at home until she finishes college and becomes a homicide detective, and she supports herself and helps us too and my 15 year old has decided to move to his dad's and see what living with him is like, he too will be working when he gets old enough by law. His daughter on the other hand has been nothing, but trouble for me since she was about 13. When she was young we were like best friends and I love her a lot and I thought she did me too, it was so bad because my kids hated me being close to her, they said that she was "being fake" when she was around me, and lying to me, I never knew why they seemed so jealous until now that they are older. When she was 13 she would go visit her "bad" mom and she was dating a 20 year old marine, I told dad, he ignored me. When she was 15 she had sex with a 18 years old boy, I told dad, he ignored me. When she was 16 she ran out of our house at around 2 am and left the door wide open and had sex with a married man who had three kids, I made her tell dad and he ignored me. When she was 18 she quit school 3 months before graduation after her dad used her thousand dollars to buy her a car because she "HAD" to have a car, and after we spent $180 on her graduation packet. She was using drugs and alcohol and STILL getting money from dad behind my back. She had jobs... but they would only last a month or so. In the last year she has had about 8 jobs moves from place to place and still uses drugs. Her dad refuses to believe that she has problems that she has to fix and he continues to lie to me and go behind my back and fix them for her. I have become jealous because he raised my children to be awesome adults and allows his own to be a bum... also he keeps up with what I am spending and then sends money to her with no question of what it's for and never knows what she is really using it on. We have talked and agreed many times that we are not going to enable her, but as soon as she calls with her sob story he goes to western union (because she says that she can't stand me and never could, and that her life would be better is it were just her and her dad so she moved to the town where her "bad" mom lives"). She stopped having ANY contact with me when she turned 18 and I jumped her butt for smoking cigaretts in the bedroom that she shared with my 18 year old non smoker.The last time she had anything to do with me was last summer when she thought she had an STD and dad couldn't take her to the doctor... I was her best friend again for about 2 weeks and then she stopped talking to me again. She hasn't had any contact with my kids in over a year. She has always claimed I abused by because I treated my kids better then her.I don't know what I should be doing?!!?!? My husband lies to me about her and when he does tell me and I don't agree with giving her more money then he just does it anyways... I don't understand the double standards, I don't understand that she wants nothing to do with me after I raised her and did all that I could to be a mother to her and my husband allows her to treat me this way and still give her what she wants without questions, sometimes I feel like I'm not important or my feelings are not important. He is quick to jump other people that hurt me and make me cry, including my own kids but yet she has made me cry A LOT and its okay because it's her... I feel that I know what everyone is gonna tell me, but I genuinly love this man for who he is and I know this sounds mean, but if we just didn't have this issue over our heads we would be a happy family... She is a good person and has a lot going for her if she would stop her crazy behaviour, but she is smart and knows what she can get and who she can get it from and I'm just a background sound that no one listen too.......
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female
reader, marie2u71 +, writes (7 October 2008):
marie2u71 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you for the insight.....i need all i can get. I do love her very much as i do him. i look forward to our future as "future grandparents" together. but i just get discouraged. Thanks again.
A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (7 October 2008):
 He has been an enabler for your daughter as long as you have known him, and she continues to use this and manipulate the situation. He may feel that he is part of the solution, but in reality, he is part of the problem. I don't think that you can fix her until she hits rock bottom, and that sounds like where she is heading, but you can work on your marriage instead. You need to find family or marital counseling and try to reach some common ground on how you are both dealing with this problem child, together. Otherwise, she will drag down your marriage with her and her problems. It sounds like you still have a lot of love for her and a lot of people would have given up by now. I'd let your husband read your letter as a starting point. I think it's well worded and shows that you love her and still want to help her, but he needs to see that he is truly damaging his marriage by habitually shutting you out of their relationship. He needs to learn (maybe seeing it in print will help?) that he has never fixed her problems by shielding her from her own mistakes. I think he needs to learn Tough Love and he has to stop putting her in between the two of you. Good Luck reaching your husband, Dear, and I hope that your daughter eventually will start to see that she is her own worst enemy. You have been a good step-mother, but when a child has this many problems, there probably was NOTHING that YOU could have done any better in order to have prevented this from happening. She sounds very manipulative, it sounds like she has addiction problems, she may have narcissistic personality disorder and oppositional/defiance disorder and it's impossible to treat someone who doesn't want help, and whose FATHER doesn't recognize that she NEEDS help. Best of luck to all of you.
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