A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Should I have kicked my boyfriend out for shouting at my son?I'm torn by what's recently happened and don't know whether to defend my son and throw my boyfriend out or dissipline my son? He's 6 years old and a bit boystrous at times. Yesterday my boyfriend and I were playing around when my son came up behind him and kicked him really hard in the nether regions. My boyfriend snapped and started screaming at my son. My son was crying all night and I got really angry with my boyfriend for scaring him like that. Later on when we both calmed down, my boyfriend said my son wasn't disciplined, he was lawless and that my approach to punishment wasn't working.Just to clarify, this isn't the first time my son has done this, I have told him off but I guess I don't know how to dissipline as I've bought my son up alone(his father isn't around).I'm heartbroken because I find it hard to see my son cry, I'm scared he will think I don't love him if I punish him. I don't know whether sending him to his room and confiscating his computer/dvd player was the right thing to do or whether my boyfriend was the bad guy?Any opinions welcomed.Thanks for reading
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female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (17 August 2011):
 i don't like to see little kids bawled at especially by step parents, but i am with your boyfriend on this one.
you need to be more firm instead of worrying that you will cause irreparable damage to your son if you are stern with him. he will still love you but he needs to respect your authority too! he has got learn to NOT go around kicking people in the nuts. your son was probably crying half the night coz he was SHOCKED at being firmly put in his place. you will know if your boyfriends telling off has done the trick if your son stops kicking people.
stop being soft with your son. he won't be six years old forever. you need to learn how to steer his behaviour in the right direction NOW or else how you gonna cope when he grows into an unruly teenager and adult?
you say his father is not around to guide him, so accept your boyfriends help and advice. as long as your boyfriend is not picking on your son for no reason and as long as he is not nasty or smacking him, things could turn out ok
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2011): You know the answer really...nepotism..it's stuff like this that makes little monsters who think that even in adult hood they can get away with doing WRONG. He kicked (wrong)for no reason, he has done it before (wrong) and obviously your partners reaction was very painful..thats factual getting kicked their hurts. He should not be kicking people full stop and yeas if he is he is lawless or certainly will grow up wrong. You need discipline in his life he needs to know right from wrong. If you kick your partner out...then so foolish of you to TEACH your son that he can do this to people.
Your boyfriend could however soften the reaction by EXPLAINING how much this hurt him....your son was wrong...and at six years old it is crucial he learns now.
your partner had every right to shout at the boy, regardless of not been his dad ,because in real life if he does this to any other stranger/ school friend/ they will react just the same...they won't be happy and this he has to learn.
spunky monkey.
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A
female
reader, sammy1986 +, writes (12 August 2011):
this is a difficult situation i know what you mean when you say you don,t know how to disipline your son with being a single parent im in the same situation as you are i can understand totally why you got annoyed with your boyfriend any mum would do the same but i also think it was probably out of shock that he has shouted like that i mean it probably really hurt i would give your boyfriend a second chance but tell him if he does it again its over good luck
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A
male
reader, Ronnie70 +, writes (12 August 2011):
 Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind, and your son needs to know what the difference is between right and wrong. Too bad if he does wrong and cries when he's told off. If I had been in your fella's shoes I would probably have given the boy a backhander to the side of his head as an automatic response to the pain a kick in the nuts can cause, so in my book he got off very lightly indeed.
If you want your boy to end up running around in a feral fashion don't bother with discipline, but if you want him to grow up to be a fine upstanding member of the community he needs to be given boundaries and kept within them.
In my opinion, most of those louts rioting this week had no boundaries when they were brought up. No discipline meted out to them and no self-discipline either. I'm with your boyfriend on this.
If your boy's behaviour doesn't improve you won't need to kick your boyfriend out - the chances are he'll go of his own accord.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2011): Under normal circumstances, you boyfriend probably wouldn't have shouted in the way he did, but as a man I can tell you that being kicked hard in the nuts is almost indescribably painful (and of course can cause serious issues). I suspect had it been, say, a kick in the leg or a stamping on his foot, he'd have just told him off.
It is a difficult balance - non-parents and children of their new partners. They know they aren't going to come first but do need to play some part in the discipline process or the child will soon learn they can get away with things.
If this is, as you say, not the first time your child has done this, then I'm afraid your boyfriend is correct and your approach to discipline isn't working. A lot of the current problems in the UK are due to parents not being able to control their children or being too soft and not disciplining them appropriately (this doesn't mean hitting them).
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (12 August 2011):
 The anonymous female reader whose son tripped her is absolutely right on this one.
I'd like to add something though. What do you mean by "my boyfriend and I were playing around"?? How were you playing around? Were you wrestling? Play-slapping? Was it possible that your 6-year old thought you were being attacked in any way? If that's possible, maybe you want to do roughhouse playing with your boyfriend when your son isn't in your presence.
Something else -- you made the statement "I'm heartbroken because I find it hard to see my son cry, I'm scared he will think I don't love him if I punish him.".
You have got to ditch that line of thinking for two reasons. Discipline isn't the same as punishment. Punishment is a consequence for wrong and hurtful behavior and actions. Discipline is a healthy use of positive, repetitive, and correcting actions to help train your son and equip him for when he'll eventually grow up.
If you don't impose discipline, and if you're afraid to give him consequences for his behavior, he will hold you in contempt and disdain when he grows older, if not sooner. You need to meld gentleness, patience, firmness, and consistancy in how you discipline him in age-appropriate ways. What's healthier, sending him to a time out when he talks back to you or misbehaves in class, or finally snapping when his behavior gets on your nerves because you've failed to nip it in the bud for fear that he won't love you?
I guarantee you that your son will never kick your boyfriend in the nuts again, that's for sure. And, kids are a lot more resiliant than you think. Those two will make up (I really agree with the idea of mutual apology and turning the moment into a strengthening and training moment for both of them), and everyone will move forward for the better.
But I can't emphasize enough the necessity for discipline in your house. He will love you for it if it's done right, and you will have far less parental stress, and your son will feel much more secure in your love and care for him. Remember, you discipline BECAUSE you love him. You make him eat the veggies so that he'll be strong and healthy. Likewise, you require that he treats people in your household and school with respect, and that he listens and minds you and learns the value of courtesy, good manners, cleanliness, and responsibility. He'll love you profoundly in the short and long run.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2011): As a mother I'd like to say that your boyfriend was out of order but only the other day my own son (accidentally) tripped me in the stairs and he got a right old shouting at!
Your child probably reacted thusly because he's not used to being shouted at (nor should he) but I can't see that it will hurt him to once in a while know when he's been really bad... kicking a man in the nether regions hurts like nothing we can ever imagine and you son should know that it's never acceptable.
Make your son apologise to your boyfriend for kicking him, your boyfriend can then apologise for shouting and they can make up.
Your son needs discipline but you need to be comfortable with how/when it's administered. That said you're doing him no favours with your passive parenting. As a parent you can't be loved all the time, but that's how you know you're doing a good job.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2011): Hmm.. This is a tough one, but I don't think kicking your boyfriend out is the answer. He has no right to attempt to discipline a child that isn't his. You as the real parent are the one who needs to teach your son right from wrong.
Your son will also respect your boyfriend more, and accept him as a friend if he isn't yelling at him all the time, and lets you do the parenting. Try talking to your boyfriend about it. If he feels like an issue needs to be addressed with your son, sitting him down and calmly explaining why he is annoyed with him is more effective than just screaming at him. Your son will be happier and you will feel better about everything.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2011): In this case I believe that both were wrong. Your son should not have kicked him and yeas does needs to be punished by you. Your boyfriend has a right to be angry and upset about being kicked, but he should be talking to you about it and not screaming at your son. I would suggest talking to your boyfriend and telling him that you understand his position, but that you will not tolerate anyone treating your son like this. You are the one raising your son and that if he has issues about it he should come to you. Your son will not think you don't love him if you punish him, granted he may be upset and angry with you, and may even say he hates you as all children do at some point or another in their life, but no matter what, he will know you love him and he will always love you. I can understand how heartbreaking it is for you to see your child cry, my heart would break if my child was scared and crying like that too. I would say that before kicking your boyfriend out, I would talk and try to make him realise that you are the one who is to discipline your child, if he can't accept that and won't agree to not yell at your son like that in future, then you may want to consider it then, but only as a last resort. Your boyfriend needs to realise that your son comes first no matter what. I hope this helps and good luck.
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