A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been questioning whether or not my lover, whom I lost my virginity to, really told the truth about his virginity.He originally told me he was not a virgin. Later on, he came out to me, apologetic for lying, saying he was in fact a virgin. Said he was so used to lying, because his friends used to bother him, and because his ex had told everyone it happened, too. I believed this was true for a long time, and that I got to share my virginity with someone I loved, and loved me in return.The stories about his ex started to get to me eventually. He said he told some people the truth, but nobody who would tell his ex and make a big deal about it. It still hurt me to hear things from people. He always would apologize to me when this happened, because his lie ended up hurting me. I was constantly explaining it to people. Slowly, this distrust grew in me.Until one day I asked his ex.(She had bothered him years after to be friends, suspiciously after she broke up with her ex, figured out he was taken, then ran back and married her ex within a month.) I assumed she would tell me they never slept together and hearing that truth from her would end my doubts. No reason for her to lie. She, however, said they did. I was devastated. Caused a big ordeal with my lover. He was upset I didn't trust him, and he assured me she was lying. He even severed ties with her completely.Being as in his ex is basically notoriously regarded as totally insane and malicious, I think I can believe she was lying. Especially when she tried to convince me he was this horrible person afterwards.That day he changed a detail of his only experience before me, however, and that's made me suspicious. When he originally said he was a virgin, he said as far as he got was touching her. That day he instead said that as far as he got was that she touched him, he'd never touched her. When I called him on it, he said he had no clue why he would have said something else originally. (It would make sense, maybe, as he really seemed like he'd never touched a woman in his life when we first fooled around.) He also tried assuring me they never had the chance, which I know is not true, but maybe that's how he saw it.I'm just not sure what to think. What are the odds his crazy girlfriend was telling the truth? Or was he really being honest about being a virgin?Anymore info needed just ask, thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question1. Our first night was more romantic and slow. We had come close before, but "chickened out" I guess you could say. He was very caring, and said I love you a lot, and went very slowly. There wasn't very much movement, so it lasted a long time. His friends made a surprise visit so we had to cut our after-cuddling short, but resumed later.
2. This was a high-school ex, so apparently she had wanted to because it was the "cool" thing. Their best friends were a couple and had already done it a bunch.
3. Less than a year. They ended up hanging out once with a group of friends. I got upset, we spoke about it, and he agreed to my always being around when she was. Which happened once, and she soon-after ran back to another state to marry her recent ex. He never spoke to her on the phone, only random texts and rare comments on Facebook.
4. I was always stressed out about their friendship for a long time, and decided to speak to her once. I'd just heard so much, I decided to try to get to know her myself. We didn't speak much, but she seemed okay. Hence why I changed my mind and asked. I looked back on everything after I last spoke to her, and realized she's just a wolf in sheep's clothing. She really didn't give any specific indication, although I could ask, perhaps maybe about his equipment, but I have a feeling she would get defensive.
5. It's not really relevant, though we both found even that as something to be disclosed. A good point however.
6. The first time he ever touched me, he didn't seem to know what he was doing at all, and he seemed nervous. He seemed a little nervous when I first touched him as well.
Sex had originally come up as a random topic when we were still just friends. He always seemed awkward about the subject for a long time, we didn't talk about it too much. We were always very spontaneous.
I've let it go in the sense that, regardless of if he lied, I would forgive him because I love him. I just want the truth at this point, but am unsure what that is. It's hard for me to let it go when it's a detail important for myself to know, I guess.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (12 August 2011):
 Hmm. I have some questions for you.
1. How was your first night together with your boyfriend? You said you lost your virginity to him? How was it? What did he act like? How did he seem about it?
2. Why did his ex tell everyone that they had sex? Did she do it to tell you because you have outwardly championed virginity, or was she trying to humiliate him for his sexual ineptitude? This has a huge bearing.
3. How long was your boyfriend in contact with her while the two of you have been together? If he spoke to her on the phone in your presence, how did his voice sound, and did he turn his back on you or walk out of the room and talk in hushed voice?
4. How do you have contact with the ex? If she's insane and vindictive, what made you think that she would give you a straight answer? Did she give any indication of something she wouldn't have known about him had they not had sex?
5. Why is the way he touched an ex in any way relevant to your relationship now? Yes, it matters if he's lied to you about his virginity, but the sordid details? Come on.
6. You said he seemed like he never touched a girl in his life? When? And, when he came onto you and the subject of sex came up, how did he act about that? Who was the instigator, and who planned it, or was it spontaneous?
It's quite common for a guy to lie about his virginity. It's not so common for an ex to lie about his having sex with her. Usually, an ex who is really vindictive towards the guy would bash the crap out of him sexually in an attempt to emasculate him. Apparantly, she's read you like a book if she's picking up on your touchiness regarding his sexual experience.
I don't know...I think you should let it go. His past is his past, and he's not with her anymore. He's with you. Don't torture yourself with details, and going to his ex was an act in pure masochism. Leave it in the past.
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