A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My second husband leads a company in a small community. An employee of his that worked for the company for a long time and that he had to let go a few months ago, committed suicide. We haven't been married long, and I don't know the people that well where he works nor the people in this community.I asked him if I should attend the funeral with him and he told me no that he doesn't want me to go. Also, he attended the prayer service the night before without me. About 200 people showed up for the prayer service he told me and that the person was well loved.What is the proper etiquette in this case? Should I not attend any funerals at all with him, when he doesn't want me to, if one of his employees passes away.I was afraid of what it would look like without me there with him since this is a small community. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2014): After reading the posters, and I am going out on a limb here, but if a husband doesn't want his wife to attend company events, that could very well mean he has a nookie on the side from the company or someone in the community that could be there as well and he doesn't want to the two of you to cross paths. That is my take on it.I don't want to jump to conclusions that he is cheating on you, but it is VERY odd that he didn't want you to come to the funeral and the prayer service the night before.Give it time to soak in what I typed. Does he mention another female from work a lot or from the community. He probably was involved with someone before he met you (or still could be).Unfortunately, that was my exact same experience and I am divorced now because I found out my ex was cheating on me and he never wanted me at his workplace.Just beware of the signs.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2014): The OP responding: He is in a field where he was able to ask trusted employees if the person was suicidal and the employees he asked that were closest to the person and that had worked with the person for years said no that person wasn't suicidal. The person that committed suicide was coming in late, not bathing for days on end and not performing the job properly anymore so the person had to be let go. There were many other personal factors involved in the suicide before the person was let go from their job (not that it didn't help matters).That is my question to what WiseOwlE stated, Why wouldn't he want me to go? I wonder too as stated -BMBTL- If he is hiding something? I don't think it is shame or guilt because he had already asked employees about the person beforehand. Or that maybe he doesn't want me involved with his workplace on a personal level and wants me separated from it--which is truly odd. I wonder if there is more to it than that and that goes much deeper.Not wanting me to attend employer events really makes me question that he may be covering up something he doesn't want me to find out about.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (8 August 2014):
 I'm inclined to agree with the anonymous female below. I was wondering the same thing, if the suicide was in any way connected to being let go. I'm sure it didn't help. Even if it wasn't connected, your husband may think it is and doesn't want you to witness (or experience) any public backlash.
Normally there should be no reason for you not to attend along with him, but in this case I suspect there is a certain amount of shame or guilt or a fear that others hold him partially responsible.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2014): If the deceased person had worked for your partner for many years and then got laid off and committed suicide then it's entirely possible that your husband feels guilt and shame - putting two and two together in this case is not hard at all. Why did your husband let the man 'go'?
I agree with the others that it's not right he didn't invite you to the funeral - this would be a very, very normal and commendable thing to do. Unless there's some other secret going on then I can only imagine that it's something to do with your husband feeling guilty and maybe not wanting you to see the reactions of the community members to your husband - maybe some will blame your husband for what happened?
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A
female
reader, -BMBTL-  +, writes (7 August 2014):
 I don't think that this is normal. I would have gone if I was in your position, maybe he is hiding something, by not wanting you to go?
If you're married, then surely you would be with him as a means of support, the fact that you didn't go seems odd to me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2014): How else are you to be introduced to the community? This was a way to show you care, and meet others.
As his spouse, it would have been very consoling to the family of the deceased to see you and your husband both showing your respects. If they know he's married, they'd wonder why you weren't present? Unless your husband is keeping you a secret, I don't know why he wouldn't let you do what most wives do.
The proper etiquette was your appearance at his side. Especially for the fact it is a small community. Everyone gives their support in tragic situations.
You go wherever you want as his spouse and partner. The question is, why wouldn't he want you to?
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