A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My 30 year old boyfriend of 6 months was invited by his best friend (he is in a 3 year relationship and looking to get married soon) to Vegas. He asked me how I felt about it, and although it didn't make me happy I told him as long as he doesn't go to a strip club or cheat on me I'm fine with it. After all, I trust him and I don't get a bad vibe from his friend even though I've never met him. So he booked the trip for 3 nights. The problem is now there's a third guy friend coming (he is single and when he heard about their trip he sort of invited himself). My boyfriend got excited about this and I overheard him mentioning even paying a fee to depart on a Thursday instead of Friday in order to have an extra night because he heard the clubs were great (he's not normally the club type, at least since we've been dating). This of course raised a red flag and made me question his maturity level as well as his commitment to me. Why would a 30 year old man in a relationship want to go party in Vegas? Everybody knows that a group of guys at a night club are not going to just dance with each other. Although he claims he doesn't have a problem dancing by himself, it's obvious he's likely going to end up dancing with girls who will be grinding all over him. Next thing you know hands are everywhere and one thing leads to the next. I'm very familiar with what happens at nightclubs.The more I think about it and get other women's opinions the more I freak out about it. I just don't think a man his age in a relationship should be putting himself in a situation where he's going to be surrounded by temptation 24/7. It is also very early in our relationship and I think it's a dumb move for him to be putting our relationship and himself to the test like this. If it were a skiing trip or a different destination I'd feel differently. But it's Vegas, it's called Sin City for a reason. He's going to have to make a strong effort NOT to get laid, and when you add alcohol to the mix this is going to be even harder for him to do. Although I know he doesn't have bad intentions and is excited to go sightseeing as well, The fact of the matter is his friends are going to have a huge influence on what he ends up doing whether he realizes it or not. For all I know his single friend might be going there for the sole purpose of getting laid and showing his friends a good time on the way. I have clearly expressed these concerns to him but he insists that they're not going to hire strippers or hookers and that even if his friends want to go to a strip club, he wouldn't go because he knows it'd upset me. But let's be realistic. Is he really gonna go walk around by himself while his friends are having fun at the strip club? Sounds like wishful thinking. The issue has been increasingly weighing on me to the point where I've been avoiding seeing and talking to him, and I even cancelled our plans to celebrate our 6 month anniversary this week. It just doesn't make sense to celebrate it when i don't even want to be around him right now. He offered to cancel his trip because I matter to him more but I told him not to do that because I truly believe it'd backfire on me. He'd resent me for it and I wouldn't want him to blame me for being the reason why he couldn't enjoy himself with his friends.How can I feel better about this? Because right now the only way this seems possible is if he decides to cancel the trip out of his own will.Am I the only one who thinks these types of things are not acceptable in a relationship?
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female
reader, boo22  +, writes (7 August 2014):
 Hi there,
At first you said you trusted him. Well, if that is true it wont matter how many strip clubs or bars he goes to, he'll be faithful.
I worked in those sorts of places for years when i was younger and i am telling you hun NICE GUYS DONT CHEAT! Only guys who will do it wherever they are in the world will cheat.
Stop driving yourself mad with scenarios in your head x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2014): Staceily ,
Thank you so much for your advice. You are right, I need to think about whether being with a man who sees going to Vegas with his friends while in a relationship is something I can deal with. Like you said, is this a deal breaker for me? Honestly I don't even know the answer. He's a good fit for me in many other ways, but this ust carries too much weight for me to ignore. Part of me wants to break with him because I feel like I shouldn't have to deal with this crap, and part of me thinks that he's not given me other reasons not to trust him and he "deserves some slack." Also, letting him go to Vegas as a single man would be a dumb move because we could make up after he's already had all the fun.
I think I have more clarity now and at the same time, I'm still confused as to how to move forward or what decision to make.
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A
female
reader, Staceily +, writes (7 August 2014):
 No, you aren't the only one who would be bothered by this. But your boyfriend wants to go and you can't stop him. I don't mean he can't stay home, I mean you shouldn't stop him. We don't ever want to feel like we can't do something or we are missing out on something we want to do. Then we start to feel trapped. And the last thing you want is to be the girl who kept him from having fun with his friends. His friends will know the reason he backed out, you also don't want friends of his to dislike you or find you controlling. Especially since his one friend has a girlfriend of 3 years and she is apparently okay with this.
I'm not saying you are wrong by being bothered by this. I would be myself. I'd question if I am a good fit for a man who wants to go clubbing in Vegas, because that's not like me at all. Maybe this is an issue of incompatibility. He clearly sees this as being okay whereas you have an issue with a 30 year old man going to night clubs with friends. You can force him to stay home, since he offered, but what does that change? He is still the guy who wants to go clubbing with single friends in Vegas and he is only staying home because of you. You can't change the man, and forcing him to not do the things he enjoys is attempting to mold him into what you are looking for, a man who wants nothing to do with Sin City while in a relationship. And you are right, it will lead to resentment.
How to deal with it if you want it to work with him? Stop giving him guilt trips. Don't cancel the anniversary dinner. You have expressed your problems with the trip, he knows how you feel, now try trusting him. It's harder than it sounds I know. But start by giving him the benefit of the doubt. If he hasn't given you a reason not to trust him yet then he could very well tell the truth about this trip right? And believe me, just going to Vegas doesn't equal having sex very easily. If sex with club girls was so easy then escorts wouldn't be so popular ;) You have the image in your head of how it goes down but it is rarely as bad as you picture it. And the one single friend is going, but he will be with two men in committed relationships, he won't be leading the group. More likely THEY will be trying to hook HIM up with someone than anything else.
If you choose to deal with it, then from now until he gets back, you need to keep it out of your mind. If you start to think of it and get paranoid or jealous force yourself to think of something else. Especially while he is gone, you must keep yourself as busy as possible so you don't dwell on what could be happening. When he calls or texts you don't be angry or give him a hard time. Be cheerful, make sure he's having a good time. Again, you don't want to be the controlling bitchy girlfriend. It doesn't help you or him. He seems to be a good enough guy by offering to stay home for you and expressing your importance to him, give him some slack.
This is all assuming you want to deal with this. You don't have to at all. If this upsets you too much and you can't handle it you can certainly leave the relationship and find someone who is more in sync with what you want and feel is right/wrong in a relationship. Every relationship requires compromise. It's your choice if this is a deal breaker for you or if this is just a time to compromise.
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