A
female
age
36-40,
*ahliatyson
writes:I'm about to completely change my life and I need some advice from people in a similar situation. I am 23 and have been with my partner for 3 years and we've been living together for the past 2.5 years. Our relationship is strong and we have great communication. We have picked out an engagement ring and he is just waiting for the right time to propose. He is 6 months younger than me- we are both quite mature- (I feel about 35 in the head, whereas he feels about 25) Heres where the problem comes- lately I have this overwhelming urge that I want a baby. I can't describe how it happened but it consumes my every thought. I feel as though something is missing from my life and I soooo badly want a baby! My partner and I have spoken about it- and while he has admitted that he isn't ready for a baby just yet we have agreed that we would give it a shot towards the end of next year- he knows how badly I want a baby and while it's earlier than we had planned he feels he will be ready by then. This has made me happier although my desire is still so strong and I wish we didn't have to wait that long! I know I have to respect his wishes though otherwise it will all blow up in my face- so I will wait. I just worry that all this excitement and wanting for a child- what happens if it's not what I thought it would be. I would really love some advice from other mothers- I know motherhood is tough- but I can cope can't I? Is 24 too young for a baby? I need some outsider perspective as I haven't spoken about this with anyone other than my partner.
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female
reader, HonningKanin  +, writes (29 December 2009):
 Um, she does wanna get married. She is just saving up the money for the lavish and expensive wedding she wants. She just doesn't want to put her plans of starting a family on hold due to the minor technicality that she doesn't have a peice of paper stating she has social and government approval to start one.
Which is all fair and good. I dont see the big problem. The only benefit I see to getting married now is if Australia was like the USA and had odd tax codes by which they will receive tax breaks. But from what I can see they have a family tax benefits rather than breaks just for being married. The parents will be given money dependant on the childs age and those can be received with or without being married. Very much like in Britian, my mother received money for my brother and I until we were 19 because we were both in full time education.
HonningKanin
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2009): Baby is not a prison for life, i had my baby at 21. now she is 23. Since the age of 2 she traveled the world w/us. By the age of 20 she's been to 24 countries.
A joy doing things w/your child can't be compared w/anything.
You can grow w/your child together as a person, and become a better one. A child will inspire you to do more things in life not less.
About marriage.... I am a traditional one, husband first, baby next, but of-course it's your choice, it's your life.
But what i am thinking, if you guys desided to have a baby, why not get married, at least on a paper. And do all the legal things to protect the baby, like life insurance and so on...
And then... when you have money have this beatifull dream wedding!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2009): I can't tell you what you would do but I can give you a scenario close to home...
I just visited my cousin, her husband, and their new-born. She is a PH.D candidate and her husband just graduated with a masters in IT, serving his internship. They get all their living expenses paid for by stipends and her parents (father is well-to-do doctor) supplement the rest of their needs and the babie's until the guy is done with his internships and has secured a well-paying position. They are working with a great safety net...
Even so, I can tell you from first-hand observation, they were under a lot of pressure and having financial difficulties. We are talking about two people with advanced degrees in their late twenties with very promising futures who are struggling despite getting help from their rich parents.
So, all I can say is make sure you got your education out of the way and secure yourselves financially. Make sure you have realized as many of your dreams as you can before you bring a child into your lives because then you won't live just for yourself anymore and your child's future will exhaust most if not all your resources. Beware! Reality today is very harsh on young families- even ones with education and steady employment. Sadly We just don't live in a financially secure world anymore...
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female
reader, Tahliatyson +, writes (29 December 2009):
Tahliatyson is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAgain my thanks to Honning Kanin for your response.
I was quite taken aback by how critical rhythmandblues2's last response was. I came on here seeking advice about having a baby and got canned about not respecting the sanctity of marriage. I do respect it and i do want it, but at the right time. I was born out of wedlock, it hasnt affected my moral compass or made me de-value marriage, so what harm would it do to my future child? I choose to build a house and a family without the unecessary debt of a wedding at this point in our lives- does that make me wrong?
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female
reader, Tahliatyson +, writes (28 December 2009):
Tahliatyson is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks honning kanan You've been a real help :-)
I have to say I too want a small wedding however I have expensive taste and I am still of the princess mindset that my wedding will be an extravagana- so rather than than compromise I will just wait until we've raised the funds. :-)
my dreams of baby are much more desired at the moment :-)
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female
reader, HonningKanin +, writes (28 December 2009):
My husband and I just went to the courthouse and had a bbq with out friends and family aftarwards. I think i spent like $600 tops on the whole affair. My "honeymoon night" was spent camping with my husband and honestly I wouldn't have had it any other way. The money I saved not booking some horribly gaudy stadium to host everyone in, the dress(which sometimes alone costs half the wedding) you only ever wear once, the catering, the music band ect... went to buying our house and the future renovations. I mean at the BBQ we did do one special thing and rent out a viking ship where all the people at the party got to row it and we all did the usual toasting and best man speach, maid of honour and friend toasts. It just was more casual.
Honestly I think the reason you have so many people chicken out of weddings is the big deal, the stress and the pressure/hype placed on that one day. My husband and I were calm, but happy to be getting married that day. Another thing I think people say the first year of marriage is the hardest is because they start the marriage off with huge debts from the wedding unless they paid it all from savings. Generally leaving you with zip to play with.
I think you and your partner are doing things very maturely and I wish you two the best.
HonningKanin
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female
reader, HonningKanin +, writes (28 December 2009):
Man I am so sleepy this morning.
Sorry! I spelt Rhythmandblues2 wrong twice!
::considers morning coffee::
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female
reader, Tahliatyson +, writes (28 December 2009):
Tahliatyson is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou Honningkanin, couldnt have put it better myself!
Surely waiting until we are financially stable with our own house then having a lavish wedding is more mature than signing up at the registry office just so he doesnt take all my toys if we break up.... Its childish to think that everyone has to be married before they do anything.
I do indeed want what i want, when i want it, cuz you know what rythmandblues2 its my life and i only want the best!
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2009): You may not think you need to be married to have a child with your fiance.
The problem with not being married and having a child is you don't have many legal rights or protections other than child support should you split up after buying a house together. You use the excuse of saving for a house so you can't afford an expensive wedding. You can go down to the courthouse and get married, just the two of you.
It shows a lack of committment on both your parts to just push the concept of marriage under the rug and start the rest of the arrangement first. It is like saying, I want to have a boat and a car, but I don't expect to make a legal committment to making the payments for it.....I mean why should I have to commit to that? I want what I want when I want it.
Sort of seems childish, don't you think?
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female
reader, Tahliatyson +, writes (28 December 2009):
Tahliatyson is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to everyone who responded. I guess i just needed to hear it from an outside perspective. We want to buy a house before we get married (why spend money on a huge wedding when we're trying to save for a house) so we decided we would buy a house at 30 and then get married after that. But in our initial conversations we both expressed that we wanted kids by around 26/27. Obviously this has already changed for me, but i dont feel that in this day and age that you have to be married to have children- we are in love and have been through thick and thin together for the past 3 years (2.5 of which we have lived togther- i doubt a piece of paper and extra ring would change any of that) So to anyone who says we should wait till we're married i politely disagree.
I just wanted to let those well wishers know that i went out and opened a seperate bank account today as our "baby fund" and i also started taking pregnancy vitamins to prepare my body for next years arrival :-) I figure the more my partner and i discuss the issue the more comfortable he will become with the idea. So until then i will continue to google all about prenancy/babies/childcare/health issues and learn all i can in preparation for when the time comes. :-)
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female
reader, desirewhitefire  +, writes (27 December 2009):
 I was 24 when I had my son, and my husband was 29. We had no issues. And just like the person below me says, you're never really ready for that first child.
Our son is 16 months old now, and I'm 25. I went back to school, and it all still works out. The only advice I can give you is to be financially ready. I'm not saying you need to have a ton of money in the bank or a big fancy house, but just make sure that you're comfortable having a baby with the amount of money you two make.
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male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (27 December 2009):
 No parent has ever been ready. I seen plenty of young parents up-close and their faces are first pure bliss (yes men, you too) and then slowly become pure terror as they realize that this is it. A tiny life, forever dependent on you.
When you accept that you are not and never will be ready, then you are ready.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2009): 24 is definitely not too early for a baby, this actually a perfect age to have your first one., but your boyfriend is obviosly not ready. What happened to a husband first, then a child anyway?
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female
reader, sstochl  +, writes (27 December 2009):
I'm 22 and I have a 2 year old and a 3 week old. I really don't think your relationship status has much to do with when your ready. I was married when I had My 2 year old we were happy at that time. Eventually we ended up getting a divorce. My 3 week old's father and I were engaged. Both wanted a baby and got one. Unfortunately we've taken a break from our relationship due to issues of our own. We still love each other very so. Some relationships don't work out. But regardless the baby will be loved. I believe god will give you a baby when he thinks your ready for one. Leave it in his hands!
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2009): I am planning to have a baby with my fiance and I'm a couple of years younger than you. My body clock suddenly started screaming at me and I just couldn't ignore it anymore so me and my partner sat down and had a logical conversation. Luckily he was already in the same place as I was, we worked out whether we could afford it and all the practicalities, then we discussed the toll it would take on our relationship and then future, whether I would regret missing out on things etc, once all those boxes had been ticked there was nothing stopping us so we're now trying. Tick those boxes and though you may be nervous you're ready!Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2009): I don't think 24 is too young for a baby, but I do think your partner is smart to want to wait to have one. You aren't even married yet and the first year of marriage is the hardest and most stressful trying to merge two live together. Adding the burden of pregnancy and a new baby to the mix is sort of a recipe for failure.I think your strong urge to have a baby is partly due to your love for your soon to be fiance, it is pretty normal to want to have your lovers child if you love him deeply enough. The other part of your urge is simply biological, women are hard wired to procreate, but we do have the ability to use our brains, too, and make the wisest decisions for ourselves and our loved ones. So waiting is a good idea, and as far as feeling mature enough, it sounds as if you do, if your fiance is way behind you in maturity, that could be a problem for you, so allow him to catch up to you.Best of luck to you.
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female
reader, HonningKanin +, writes (27 December 2009):
Oh dear, you are hearing your inner biological clock screaming at you. Alot of women go through this type of phase, where completely out of the blue, you become unbelievably broody. I went through a horrible bout of this when I was 18 and still periodically go through periods of wanting a baby. I myself am 24 and am married.
I know personally I would be happy as a mother when I get there, however, I know right now is not the best time for me to become pregnant so I end up fighting biology. My husband isn't ready for a baby at all and says he probably wont want one till he is 30. He is 27 right now and I think 3 years is reasonable for myself to wait and get things ready for the baby.
I dont think many women get the chance to ever feel "ready" for a baby. Most get thrown into the position and make the best of what they can, what ever way they can. If you and your partner can plan for the baby you are one step better off than most. You will always have nerves to fight about being pregnant and pregnancy in general. At 24 I think you are old enough to make that sort of decision if you can support the life you plan on bringing into this world.
Som e people at 24 aren't ready and really shouldn't be parents due to their financial or relationship status, but if given a few years, that mightchange. People mature at different rates. If you feel ready, go for it.
Good luck
HonningKanin
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