A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Sooooo it seems my estranged bf and I are done done. Short backstory, we've been friends for 10 years, we dated for 3 1/2 and last year I broke up with him. I was frustrated with our development, i didn't feel supported with help with bills and the house and I was mad. After we broke up, he stayed with me and helped me with rent as best as he could. We took a break but came back as friends, started hanging out again and then we decided a few months ago to try to forgive the past and start fresh. This is easier said than done. My friends describe me as his mom that he fucks, I have taken him and his shit as my responsibility. I realize now that I should have stood strong and should have been honest about how I was feeling or at the very least put my foot down. I, however, chose to internalize his critiques and how he spoke and I feel poisoned. I haven't been sexually interested because I'm irritated, mad, and don't think he deserves it. So I tried to explain how I was feeling, it wasn't my intention to but the conversation started so okay. He was upset because he says the only way he knows how to show that he loves someone is through sex, and I told him I'd like to take a step back and remain friends. He took it upon himself to plan to move out. I found out from our mutual friends first which was a shock. I've felt so upset and hurt like I'm making a mistake; ordinarily, I would think I was making a mistake staying with him. My friends say he's an emotionally abusive broke insecure angry jealous butthurt boy. I guess I want perspective of if I should hang in there some more or learn what true independence is like.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (26 October 2016):
 I feel your pain. Having a partner who you feel you have to mother all the time is a real deal breaker for a lot of people, not to mention a total passion killer. If everyone actually learned true independence, I believe a lot fewer relationships would end in failure as people would form relationships for better reasons than fear of being alone. So I would say yes, learn true independence. Then, if you decide to go back to your ex - or move on to a new relationship - you will do it for the right reasons.It's strange that men need sex to feel loved, whereas women need to feel loved to want sex. Have you tried explaining to him - I mean like spelling it out in words he cannot misunderstand - what it is exactly you need from him? Just saying a vague "I need you to help me more" or "I need you to contribute more to this relationship" is pointless. You need to say things like "I need XX amount of money from you each week/month towards the bills" or "I need you to do this list of chores each day". This would ensure that he is not simply misunderstanding what you need/want from him. If he still doesn't do it, then he doesn't value your relationship enough to put in the effort but I feel you do need to give him the benefit of the doubt (assuming you still want to give the relationship another go). Remember, many men just don't "do" hints. You need to tell him EXACTLY what he needs to do. You say he helped with the rent "as best he could". Does that mean he is short of money? If so, make his contribution less financially based, but more of a physical thing, i.e. actually doing more in the house. Give him every chance to succeed. Why do your friends think he is emotionally abusive, etc?
A
female
reader, Flabby Thighs +, writes (26 October 2016):
Listen to your friends. Get rid of him . He's weighing you down and start healing yourself asap. No-one wants an ' emotionally abusive broke insecure angry jealous butthurt boy' what on earth are you thinking? You have got lots going for going and deserve MUCH BETTER. Good luck!
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