A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I need a bit of guidance. I want to start by saying I'm absolutely in love with my boyfriend of almost three years. He's also been my best friend long before we ever dated. It's like a fairytale right? Not exactly.Our sex life is horrible. Its boring and unsatisfying. Ever since we started dating, I've had complaints that the sex was too infrequent. I was wanting sex about four times a week, when he worked full time and didn't want it as much. No big deal. The sex was still good, so I could live with less of it. Fast forward 2 years, its once a week, if that. Now what bothers me is we got into an argument and he mentioned that I've gained weight and it turns him off. This devastated me because I had a bad bout with my depression and allowed myself to gain 50lbs. I am ashamed of myself for it and am trying to make healthier life choices now that I'm on a new medication. But ever since he told me how he felt, I hate seeing myself in the mirror. I hate letting him see me naked. He still touches my body and looks at me lustfully, but I can't get what he said out of my head. Even though I wear lingerie and try to try new things, he still performs poorly and refuses to try any positions other than the two we always do. I'm young, and besides my weight I think I'm attractive enough for my boyfriend to want me sexually. I certainly was not thin when he got with me. Ive always been large and hes into big women. I just dont get it. Can someone elaborate? And how should I go about telling him the sex is no longer good? I love him too much to let sex be the demise of our relationship.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (28 October 2016):
 Off course it hurts that he has said that to you. I would be mortified. I think when we put on weight we try and ignore it or justify it. But I guess he was only being truthful and I am sure it was difficult for him to tell you the truth.
I am glad that you are being much more healthier now, as that is a lot of weight to gain. Maybe you can both follow a healthy lifestyle plan and it could bring you closer together?
You need to talk to him just the same way he did to you. Tell him you are not enjoying sex any more after his comment. Be honest.
A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (26 October 2016):
 First off, I am very sorry to hear you are hurting. Although your boyfriend is evidently feeling affected by your weight gain, there are definitely more tactful ways to bring that up than the one he chose. Bringing it into an argument is a low blow on his part.
I think you have every RIGHT to air your grievances about the unsatisfying sex if doing so is important to you (after all, your boyfriend pulled no punches in addressing your weight) but at the same time I suspect he already knows sex is an issue. If he's having difficulty performing in the bedroom it is almost impossible that he hasn't noticed also, although he probably feels quite embarrassed by it and might never bring the subject up of his own accord as erection problems tend to be a very sensitive subject for men. I would even consider the possibility that he attacked your weight as an excuse (true or otherwise) for his poor performance BECAUSE he feels so embarrassed about the problem. Especially if he's close to you in age - dysfunction in that department is typically more of an issue for older men.
My only caution to you would be that, just as you will likely always remember his remark about your weight, anything you say to him in critique of his sexual performance will probably stay with him for a very long time. It may even cause him to be more anxious about sex, paving the way for his performance to become even worse than it already is - just as his remark to you affected your ability to be comfortable with yourself naked. Make no mistake, he absolutely DESERVES a taste of his own medicine and you have every right to give it to him, but you may win the current battle at the expense of the long-term viability of this relationship. It doesn't heal the hurt that was caused to you but it does cause hurt to someone else, and it will have lasting consequences on his ability to trust that you are not judging him during intimacy.
In your shoes I'd consider keeping to your current path, eating healthy and making positive lifestyle changes, lose a little of the weight and see if the sex improves before you call him out as an unsatisfying lover. It may be that he was entirely honest with you, and simply isn't as attracted to you physically as he was when you two began the relationship. As awkward and sensitive as this is to talk about, it happens, especially with men, who tend to be a little more visual when it comes to attraction. People carry weight differently, but 50 pounds is significant enough to be visually noticeable even on someone who is curvy to begin with. If this is the case the sex should improve on its own as you get back to a healthier weight.
If it doesn't, the problem clearly isn't weight at all, and it's time to gently suggest your boyfriend see his doctor to make sure everything is OK in terms of his health and hormone levels.
I hope this helps. Good luck and best wishes!
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (26 October 2016):
 I don't think he was doing it to be hurtful. At the end of the day he is your boyfriend, he finds you attractive and if you gain an amount of weight then it's not unreasonable for it to be offputting. Of course it hurts and you don't want to hear your boyfriend saying that sort of thing, but he has told you, it's out in the open now and you can face it head on a decide what to do about it.
I spend a lot of time in the gym and if I had a girlfriend that just stuffed her face (I'm not saying you do, I'm just making an example) I'd be a little annoyed tbh. I'd want to look good for my Gf, I'm not saying that's the only reason you should live a healthy lifestyle as of course you've got to do it ultimately for yourself, but it's nice to take care of yourself for your other half.
He also could of handled the situation a lot worse, he could of kept this bottled up inside for months until it got to a point where you didn't know what to do because he wouldn't tell you and you guys broke up. Would you rather have that? Or him be honest so you guys can work on things?
He's been honest with you so you've got the exact same right to tell him that the sex is bad. He wants you to work on your weight gain and you want him to work on improving the sex life, relationships are about compromise and working together to stay happy and move forward. You need to communicate with each other and you'll be able to move past your problems.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (26 October 2016):
 If what he said bothers you then have you tried to do something about it? Have you tried exercising and eating right to lose weight? 50 pounds is a lot of weight to gain at your age and he has a right to tell you how he feels. Yes it hurts because we don't want to face the truth but he said it without mincing words.
You have two options. Either you take it in the right spirit, chin up, exercise, eat healthy, cut down on junk food and soda, and have a positive outlook towards life or you choose to dwell on what he said and why he said it. I agree that he could have been gentler with you and articulated his words better but it would have meant the same thing. We get upset when someone points out the truth and feel appalled that they had the audacity to say whatever they did but it's time you be a big girl and take criticism in the right spirit. Even if not for the sake of the relationship and sex, you still need to lose weight be fit and healthy.
Remember, no one can make you feel bad unless you allow them to. In your heart of hearts you know what he said wasn't wrong and that you have indeed gained weight and need to shed it; you just don't want to accept that that could be a cause of him not desiring you sexually. You're trying to tell yourself that you're attractive enough for a man to want you sexually because you don't want to face the problem.
Accept it, work on it, release it. Even if you're not with this guy tomorrow, you'll be thankful to yourself for having taken care of your health.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2016): Wow . . what a thing to say to you, however I do believe he doesn't mean it, he's being selfish, he doesn't want to put in the effort it would take to have a mutually satisfying sex life, he just want's to get his rocks off and go to sleep, so what better way to stop you from 'nagging' him about it than to put the blame for your dwindled sex life on you! What he said was nasty and hurtful, do you really want a boyfriend like that! You CAN do better, by simply not tolerating those behaviours, from anyone, best of luck.
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