A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear Aunts and Uncles,Recently I received the devasting news that a friend of mine has passed away and not only am I grieving for him but it has brought up a lot of sad feelings.I knew my friend for many years (16 years) and he was best friends with my ex boyfriend who I was with for 10 years. We shared a tight group of friends. After we split I suffered a complete breakdown due to a lot of other stresses and was very depressed, during this time I distanced myself from the group (during this time another friend of ours suddenly died and I felt completely overwealmed as we were very close). Now my ex's girlfriend (been dating for 3 years) I feel as taken my place, is friends with all of my old mates, does the same things I used too, likes all the same music (since meeting my ex), go to the same festivals, bands etc. even dresses the same to an degree (she's 25 yrs older tho).So now I feel really uncomfortable about attending my friends funeral with her there and fear I might not be welcome. I loved him very much even tho I hadn't hanged out with him for many years but feel like an outsider now. I think my worries were reconfirmed by when I posted a message to his memory page no one commented but when the other from the group did everyone offered them words of comfort.It hurt as I've known these people my old dear friends for nearly 15 years.So should I attend or not? I'm feeling very low and depresssed again, and in addition I recently lost 2 of my beloved pets and one is currently ill in hospital to add to my stress . I'm also quite reserved with my feelings and find it hard to say how I feel so I could never tell any of them.Many thanks for taking the time to read this.
View related questions:
best friend, depressed, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2015): As the author I thank the kind people who have given my your non judgemental views. I was so upset and in shock when I wrote this post and a lot of old feelings came back up. I am now happily married but going through a tough time of late and was only worried at the time of posting that my presence wouldn't be welcome but now in my rational calm state I feel I should attend to say goodbye and to pay my respects. Thank you
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2015): Your friend you knew was best friends with your exboyfriend and you were part of the group at that time but since splitting up from your boyfriend you have not been part of the group.It is now many years later and water has flowed under the bridge..why then do you want to recreate a starring role in the eyes of the deceased when you were never his girlfriend. Forgive me if i am wrong but i dont think his funeral is a fit place to be if you resent your exes recent partner. She hasn't stolen your social identity and your dress sense. In view of the fact that you feel some tension and conflict i am not sure that the role of humble mourner at the back of the church would suit you.Are there any secrets you have failed to confide in us or are you just feeling insecure. You can also remember your ex and his now deceased best friend in private. Just light a candle at home and say a prayer for him. You are vulnerable right now. What good would it do to show up in Scarlette OHara mode..if you have no idea what i mean then read the book while they are at church..you will have the opportunity to laugh and cry without feeling potentially belittled.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (16 July 2015):
 I seem to be following Cindy and Honey everywhere, but I too think this is a definite GO, he was a dear friend.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 July 2015):
 Go, because it's a way for YOU to say goodbye. He was YOUR friend at some point to.
It's not about whether THEY want you there or not. WHO cares? It's about you paying your respect. It can be VERY nice to have this chance for a sort of closure.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 July 2015):
 If you feel like going you should go.
Don't worry about the other people.
I have read somewhere that funerals are the ONLY social occasion where you do not need an invitation to partecipate,in other words you can't ever " crash " a funeral precisely because everybody can attend, even perfect strangers if so they choose. Imagine an old friend.
Anyway though, hopefully you would be going to pay your respects and say goodbye to your old friend,not to impress or cozy up to anybody.
Therefore if your heart is telling you to go, you should go without even thinking of the other mourners' reactions.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 July 2015):
 Funerals are for the living and people can not mandate who attends or not.
I would go. Sit in the back if you feel uncomfortable but go
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2015): I don't think you should attend.I'm very sorry for your loss.But I get the impression that going to the funeral is much more than going to pay your respects. It's also about your ex. About his girlfriend. About your old friends. What they're up to now. What they'll think of you. Whether you'd fit in. They might all be legitimate questions but I'm not sure that you'll handle it well if they are not very warm and welcoming. They haven't seen you in years and you haven't reached out to your friend who's passed away in years. So they probably will be really surprised to see you there. On its own that shouldn't stop you from going. But given your fragility emotionally (depressive, preoccupied with what they'll think) I don't think it's worth going. You can remember your friend in silence. Or visit his grave alone to pay your respects. Or light a candle for him. These things will help you remember your friend but without stressing yourself unnecessarily.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (16 July 2015):
 Look, your ex's new girlfriend has not taken "your" place. The place by his side is not forever yours, and "your" place is right where you are now. You have your own place now, and it's not there by your ex's side. She's not taken your place, she's merely filled an empty place with herself.
Anyway, yes, go to the funeral. If you want to go, then why does it matter who else is there or what they will do/say/how they dress ect? It's completely irrelevant. He was a friend of yours, he passed away, and you naturally want to go to his funeral to pay your respects and say goodbye. Then do so.
You go to say goodbye to your old friend. You don't go to try and win your ex back, or to get "your place" back, or to become best friends with people you haven't talked to in years. Remember why you wish to attend, and remind yourself of this if you experience misplaced thoughts and feelings. Who the f cares if these other people welcome you or not. It's not their funeral. Their opinion doesn't matter. And you're not there for their sake.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2015): Sorry to hear about this. I think u should go... it's for you and your old friend. Not for anyone else...
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2015): Yes because even tho some one does not like
You doesn't mean you can't do what you went
...............................
|
