A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've answered a lot of questions on this site, and now it is my turn to ask for advice. I'm a woman in my mid forties who has been with my awesome, loving husband for almost 5 years. Our relationship is amazing, far and away the best of my life, and he is the dearest friend I've ever had. We don't argue, and have always been very open with each other. A couple of nights ago we were listening to music and having a few drinks, and he mentioned his first love. Of course I've heard stories about her, as he has of my exes. No retroactive jealousy here! But what he told me next shocked me. He said that he still loves her, thinks about her every day and she is always on the back of his mind. I can't even describe the way I felt when I heard this. Everyone has a first love. It is one thing to have good and fond memories of someone, to me this is on a completely different level. I'm not angry with him, just terribly, terribly sad. He realized this and promptly held me, reassured me how much he loves me and how loyal he is, that I am the only woman he has ever married. He said he wished he'd never said it and that he was having a nostalgic moment. I know these things are true. I know he loves me dearly. But somehow I feel different now, because I also believe he was being honest when he said what he did. Thinking that there is another woman "always" on his mind that he loves is just so heartbreaking. Is he thinking of her when he holds me? When we make love? I feel like second best. I feel like our relationship isn't the rock solid thing I thought it was. And I don't know how to deal with it or how to further discuss it. Part of me thinks I should have him try to find her. 20 years is a long time. Maybe he needs closure. Maybe he needs to see her in order to move on. We don't know anything about her life now. She seems to be absent from social media. She could be happily married with 6 kids, she could be on drugs or something. Or she could be lovely and single and still missing him, too. That idea terrifies me. But I want to do the right thing. I love this man more than words can express. Enough I think to let him go and wish him well if he wants to be with someone else. For the record, I don't believe he will just go seek her out on his own. I'm sure it sounds like I'm being terribly dramatic. I'm trying not to be. I'm not going to pressure him, or bring it up constantly or get angry. Please help. What should I do? If the answer is that I do nothing and carry on as though I don't have this knowledge, then how do I do that? How do I look into the eyes of this man I adore without wondering if his mind and heart are somewhere else?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOP here. Thank you all so much for your kind and heartfelt answers. I have concluded that I don't want him to seek her out. I really wish he'd never said it, but we are strong enough in our marriage that I think we will be fine.
We did talk about it yesterday. He brought it up because he could tell that I was sad. He never intended to hurt me. Sometimes his filter is broken, this isn't the first time it's gotten him in trouble, lol. In the end I simply love him too much to allow this to destroy us.
I walked down to our meadow to have a good cry. Sat down and was just getting started when a huge coyote ran out right in front of me lol. That ended it with a quickness. So I probably still need to get that part out of my system, but aside from that I'mfeeling better about it.
Thank you again.
A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (16 July 2015):
 Having your husband seek out his Ex is, in my opinion, a very bad idea. My biggest qualm against that is that you gain nothing from it, but potentially risk losing what you have and loosing it for good. Why bother tempting the guy when he has had 20 years to act on that temptation, but hasn't.
The fact that he is with you and not seeking that woman implies that he does not want to, and that could be for variety of reasons. I think that you don't know what those reasons are so one thing for you to do is to perhaps find out why he is not seeking her out.
I also think that you should find out the nature of "love" that he professed for her because the way you describe it, and obviously the way you took it, is that the "love" he spoke of is meant to be romantic, where his emotional loyalty is not with you but with her. It is this emotional loyalty that is devastating you when you ask if he is thinking of her when he holds you. But perhaps he was using the word "love" to describe another form because, evidently, his emotional loyalty is not with her nor has he expressed any interest in soliciting it in the past 20 years.
I think that, after saying what he did, he does have some explanation to do, and provide proof of his loyalty because if he cares for you any I think providing that proof is what will set you at peace. If he does not express that then I think you should tell it to him. On your end, not seeking her out is one form of that proof but generating more requires time, so that is why all this is a process.
Keep in mind that everything you said (as well as him) is mental, meaning its all a drama inside your brains. It is well worth keeping it there and taking some time, with open communication, to sort it all up. Depending on what each one of you aims at, you could use this revelation to either deepen your relationship or destroy it. I hope you both aim at deepening it because if you do, you will.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2015): ' How do I look into the eyes of this man I adore without wondering if his mind and heart are somewhere else?'
You can't.
He hasn't changed but your relationship has. You also know him a little bit more as a person. That's not good or bad. It just is.
'Part of me thinks I should have him try to find her. 20 years is a long time. Maybe he needs closure. '
You both need closure. This isn't just about him anymore. It's about you knowing he is with you by choice not because the woman he would rather be with isn't there.
You've been married 5 years. I'm sure he loves you. But for both your sakes, he needs to contact this woman and put this ghost to bed. I don't see the white elephant disappearing otherwise.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2015): Honestly, I wouldn't be able to get over this. It's not the sort of thing one says and then gives you a hug to make it go away. I would actually ask him to contact her and see if he can/ wants to rekindle things because it would keep going round and round in my head otherwise. But then what if when they meet, she's not interested. Then I'd wonder if he's disappointed and if he 'settled' for me because she said no. I'd be going nuts in your shoes.To be fair I don't think he meant that he doesn't love you or that he would rather be with her. I think he meant he wonders what they would have been like as a couple. It doesn't mean he's not happy. My reaction would definitely be the irrational one above in your shoes but I wouldn't encourage it. I won't say forget it. But I'll say tell him how it made you feel and ask him to reassure you with words and actions that you're the one he wants. I do encourage you to have healthier boundaries with each other. Some conversations are Pandora's boxes. Nit worth opening.You wouldn't want to tell that the best orgasm you've ever had was with your ex who was hung like a horse even if it were true fpr example.He loves you. And he messed up. But that's because you were both too open. Don't sweep it under the carpet and pretend its not eating away from you. Share your feelings with each other and work out together how to overcome this.You sound like you have a relationship worth holding onto You have a beautiful heart, wanting him to be happy. I'm sure your future is a happy one.
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reader, mystiquek +, writes (16 July 2015):
 Wow...I can only imagine how much it must have hurt when your husband said that! None of us want to think that we aren't number 1 in their significant others heart! With that being said, I think I would let this go though, sweetie. I think your husband had something similar to a "brain fart"..a temporary lapse of thinking sanely.
If you have been happy in every way for 5 years and you don't think that he's been looking for her, checking up on her or trying to hook up with her..let it go. Why ruin those beautiful years together (and the future) by going down a dark path? I don't believe your husband meant it the way that it came out. I don't know him of course but I truly believe he was just mellow and reminiscing about the past.
A few years ago I found out that my first love (first everything) had committed suicide. I was devastated and started thinking "oh no...what if we had stayed together, etc..and all those warm fuzzy memories of the past came crushing in. And then reality hit me.He held a special place in my heart BUT.... we broke up for several reasons...he cheated, he didn't know what he wanted and he was a very moody man. We even did try to get together again once after our break up and it didn't work. Most of us have fond thoughts of our first love but I seriously doubt if the majority of us would go back to them if given the chance!
If your husband really wanted her back, nothing would have stopped him from trying ok? You have to believe that. Put that conversation the two of you had away and forget it. It isn't worth the anguish it is putting you through. Believe that he loves you and go forward.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2015): What a heartbreaking thing to hear. My boyfriend said something similar last year. I was crushed. I told him: go to therapy or meet up with her and figure it out. His thoughts may be just a compulsive obsession. He may need counselling to realise this. She would not be the same person now if he saw her. He's still dreaming of a 20 something year old. 20 years is too long. My boyfriend realised he didn't care for his ex after speaking with her. We're very happy now
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reader, Xearo  +, writes (16 July 2015):
Given that I am not in his position it is difficult to say what HE wants to do. Every now and then we think back on the past but he said that he thinks about her every day. I think after a marriage this long it almost feels like having to start over because you aren't number 1 anymore. I really disapprove of a husband mentioning things like this because it seems more like a spur of the moment thing to say. I don't understand how a grown man can't get over someone after all these years.
I suppose it is as you said, he never moved on, which is scary to think about even for myself.
I will be honest. If my wife ever said something like this, I would be devastated. I would feel like the marriage is over. I cant sleep peacefully knowing my wife is thinking about someone I have no chance of competing with. I am not as stable minded as you are, and you have more strength than I do. I think my wife "seeking" out her old flame would devastate me further and I think it would be a good sign that we need some time from each other, possibly even call it quits.
I always wanted a peaceful marriage but I can see why some marriages with a "little" suspense is good. There a little thrill in knowing that you can still make your wife angry and you'd have to work hard to make up again. These arguments help us understand each other and throws away afterthoughts of the past because it keeps you living in the present. But I think I am not offering much advice here for you.
I think you should do what your own heart tells you to do. There is no wrong or right answer but you won't feel normal pretending words weren't said. I think you should begin by talking to him about it. You should really mention that it is still on your mind. You are going to go crazy at this rate.
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reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (16 July 2015):
 I'm sure he brought it up in a moment of weakness OP. I once said something absolutely ridiculous like this to my fiance about a man who I once had a huge crush on but who now obviously means NOTHING to me. I don't even know why I said it, it was just the stupidest thing to say. I know it hurt him terribly and he was stunned when I said it. To this day I wonder why and how I could say something as silly as that and I have no answer.
I just want you to know that your husband doesn't mean what he said. Yes, she was an important part of his past but he chose YOU. He could have tried to look for her, contact her, reconnect with her but he chose to be with *you* and marry *you*. Don't do anything stupid like trying to get both of them together because it will be taking things too far. She means NOTHING to him. She's just a memory. YOU are his reality. He doesn't think of her or anyone else when he holds you or makes love to you. Men don't think like we do and they don't think as much as we do either. We keep thinking, "am I too fat", "are my thighs too big", "does he find me attractive"? He on the other hand is with a naked lady and gets to make love to her...can he possibly think of anything else? :)
Stop pondering over this OP. Remember, no one can make you feel bad without your consent. Don't allow this memory from the past ruin a happy marriage.
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