A
female
age
51-59,
*anta
writes:I really need some advice regarding a long distance male I have had contact with for the last 6 months. He lives in Sydney. I live in Perth.To cut a long story short when I found him on Oasis I was quite vulnerable and hadn't been long out of a 3 year abusive relationship and was quite lonely etcI met a guy on Oasis 6 months ago who lives in Sydney. I live in Perth. At first he seemed very kind, sweet and caring. He called me kitten, asked me how my day was and Sweet dreams every night. He text me about 20 times a day for about 3 weeks which I must admit seemed very intense. He wanted pics of me and it started as pictures of my face etc. It then led to more intimate pics. I felt a bit awkward about it at first but then got into the swing of things and really enjoyed exchanging intimate pics etc. Seemed like harmless fun and the phone sex was great. This guy by the way is very interested in anal sex and watching me having anal sex with myself over the web cam etc and using vibrators and zucchini's etc. He has now stopped calling me kitten asking me how my day was etc and actually said that he doesn't care how I feel or how my day was and that I am right that he isn't that interested. He made this comment about 6 weeks ago. He also said that the only thing he was interested in doing until we met was watching me having anal sex on the cam and that if I didn't like it that I should move on. I had previously mentioned that I would love to meet him in Sydney and he said in the beginning and probably a couple of months ago that he would like to meet me and that I could stay at his place. He also told me that he had a flatmate Jenny who I had questioned him about and he told me that she was a flatmate only. However one day when I was talking to him and she walked in the front door he quickly said I have to go Jenny is home. He said he would call back but didn't. He later said he didn't want her to hear us having phone sex. I asked him how he would feel if I was there in person and he said he wouldn't care if she heard us in the bedroom, he just didn't want her to know that he was into phone sex. Whenever I have attempted to call him in the evening or weekend he either doesn't answer or says that he is running late to get somewhere unless he knows that I will be calling him for phone sex. Anyway a couple of months ago I said that I would probably feel better staying in a hotel. He said at the time that he thought that was cool. A couple of weeks later I said that I was a bit short of cash and he said Oh just come and stay at my house.At the time as I was a bit sus about Jenny I asked him if I could say hello to her on the phone and introduce myself and say that I would be coming over to stay with her and this guy. He text me back a very angry and what I thought was rather nasty text message and said that the chances of me meeting Jenny would be minimal as she would probably be at her boyfriends house and the chances of me meeting his friends were zero and that the idea of me coming over was for sex and that if I expected anything else that I shouldn't come as I would leave feeling hurt and disappointed and that the idea of me coming over was just for fun and sex and that's all it would ever be.I stopped talking to him for a while and then we started talking again on msn about 3 months ago as I felt for some reason that I couldn't move on. Anyway, the last couple of weeks things have heated up a bit and I am finding that once again I really want to meet him, although am still feeling uncomfortable about Jenny. Whether or not this is because I have been deceived in the past or something else I don't know. Anyway, I have been seriously thinking about going over and something made me say to him that I would prefer to stay with him. His reply was to get a hotel for 3 nights and then stay with him for the last 4. His reasoning behind this was that we would have more privacy in a hotel and that he didn't want Jenny to hear us etc. and that I wasn't understanding the fun factor. I suggested that why couldn't I stay at his house for 4 nights and then the hotel for 3 and he firmly said no. The reason being that we will probably be making a lot of noise and that after three days in a hotel we would be able to learn to tone the noise down a bit at his house. A week ago he said that the reason why he said I could stay at his place and now he has changed his mind is because of all the turmoil? and that he didn't want someone staying in his house who he hadn't met before. I am feeling very confused about his comments and change of mind about staying at his house. He also said that Jenny doesn't have the boyfriend anymore so she would be around more hence his reasoning for wanting to go to a hotel.( My gut feeling was that after the three days of having sex with him in a hotel that I wouldn't even get a foot in his front door for the final 4 days and that he would make up some excuse that he didn't think that we got along. I told him today how I felt about Jenny etc and he got quite upset with me and thinks that I am judging him and that he is not like the men I have seen in the past. Since I have made these comments to him re Jenny etc and my thoughts he is ringing and texting me a lot more and asked me if I was cool about things. His behaviour is quite different to the past where he couldn't have cared less whether I was cool about things and I probably wouldn't have heard from him at all unless I contacted him. I don't understand the sudden change in his behaviour as he is acting far more interested, well wanting more phone sex etc and ringing me in the morning from work on his coffee break which he has never done in the past. He seems to be a lot keener all of a sudden but still seems adamant that we stay in a hotel for the first three nights and then four days at his house. He has offered to pay for the hotel but not prior to me coming over. He said he would pay when I get there. At one point a month ago he said he would pay for the hotel depending on how tight my backside was and if I gave good oral sex. I didn't talk to him for a couple of weeks after that. Now he is still offering to pay for the hotel but doesn't mention the how good I am at oral sex comments etc. Im scared of getting hurt. Am I being too cautious or do I have reasons to feel this way. I want to meet him but am not sure if there is anything I can say or do to find out more about Jenny or whether his offer to pay for the hotel when I get there and not before is unreasonable. I am paying for the total airfare by the way. I have suggested to stay with him for the first three nights and then a hotel for 4 however he doesn't want it that way.I then said well I would like to meet Jenny at his house prior to going to the hotel. He said that was fine but that he wasn't going to speak to her to arrange for her to be there when I was there or chase her up etc. He said if she's there she's there, if she's not she's not.He says if I bring up the Jenny situation again that he is going to end it with me all together as he is sick of it. I don't know whether to go to Sydney and check things out, whether he is telling the truth about Jenny or whether to accept his current offer of paying for the hotel when I get there or just to try to completely forget about this man. What should I do. Please help?
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female
reader, Seguradenada  +, writes (30 July 2009):
Darling, I say this with the utmost compassion and sincerity--Screw. Sydney.
What on EARTH could there possibly be over there for you to "check out?" What a douchebag he is? What a tool he's become? How much he can possibly use you before you fall apart completely?
I can tell you with absolute certitude that the ONLY psychological or emotional appeal of this man is the fact that he is long-distance. He's...dreamy, shall we say. He's like a fantasy. He lives in ever-beautiful Sydney, Australia. And guess what else? He is an ass.
Not to put too fine a point on it, but there is something wrong with you if you think for even half a MOMENT that this is someone worth your time, worth your heart, and worth your tears. He is not. What's more? Frankly, he sounds like a rapist. That seems like a joke, but I am absolutely serious.
"He said he would pay when I get there. At one point a month ago he said he would pay for the hotel depending on how tight my backside was and if I gave good oral sex."
Why would that EVER be okay for a man to say? IT IS NEVER OKAY. Men who talk like this wind up in jail. They accumulate victims. Why would you subject yourself to more sexual abuse than you have already endured?
Please, please wake up. Please respect yourself more than this. If you ever go to see this man, let it be to burn the bed in which he has sat on the phone with you for so many hours.
He is abusive. This relationship is not okay.
Best of luck.
A
female
reader, Aida +, writes (29 July 2009):
 Clearly this guy isn't interested in anything else but sex. He's told you this on several occasions. For some reason you don't seem to get it. You'll definitely get hurt in the end if you don't leave this guy alone. Btw Jenny is most likely his girlfriend or wife. I don't know why you insist on talking to her. It really doesnt matter since he has made it more than clear that he doesn't want a relationship with you.Don't waste your money or risk your safety going to see this guy. And don't send intimate pictures or expose yourself on cam to anyone you don't really know. Obviously you don't know this guy as well as you think so doing anything intimate with him would be very stupid.Delete and block him and find someone who truly cares for you and who will treat you with the respect you deserve.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2009): Is it my imagination or did you post this same question a day or two ago? Not to worry though. It's only 1586 words k c, I had one a couple of weeks ago that had over 1700! All about carpets and a doormat or something. But I digress!
Perth and Sydney are just about as far apart as you can get in Australia - (I've been to both places - lovely people) so I'm left wondering why you would want to hook up with someone who lives so far away! Why not go for someone who lives in Kalgoorlie or even better, Fremantle?
Maybe Jenny is his mother or his daughter, who knows for sure except him (and Jenny)? Whatever way you look at it, it's a bloody long way to go for a leg-over (or a 'root', as you might say) and it might not be worth all the trouble and expense. What if he suffers from premature ejaculation or B.O.?
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (29 July 2009):
 That has to be one of the longest posts I have ever read, that must be like your whole life story!
And the overwhelming thing that I got from it all is that he has told you on plenty of occasions that this is just about sex and he doesnt want a relationship from you. So why are you expecting so much from him?
I could probably go on and on why you should just end this farce now, but instead I will just say - he doesnt want a relationship. He wants sex. You want a relationship and someone to care about you. You wont get that from him, ever. END THIS PLEASE!
Jenny is irrelevant, the chances are she is his wife or something but who cares. The problem lies in your inability to recognise that this guy has been straight with you about what he wants i.e. sex and you cannot see that!
Dont waste your money on visiting him, I think all your worries will turn out to be correct. If you want me to elaborate further on my points then please ask and I will try, I am just so exhausted from reading that essay of a post!
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