A
female
age
41-50,
*ppledapples
writes:I am really in a confused state of mind. I feel loved starved, and desperate because I have strong feelings for someone, and I know that I am an important person in their life. However, we went through tough times. We met each other in 2007, had a long distance relationship from the u.k to the u.s. Neither of us had any idea of where it was going, we never defined it. All we knew was that we really liked each other. He eventually did say he loved me. I was suppose to see him, but the recession bomb of 2008 prevented me from coming over to see this person.Then all of the worst things happened in 2008. I lost my job, school was effin' me over w/ financial aid and tuition, I couldn't make rent, I had to move back to my parents after living independently for 7 years of my life. This put a lot of strain in our relationship, we started arguing more. Until one day, after 2 weeks of not talking to me after a fight, he got a new girlfriend (who was also long distance, they saw each other a total of 11 times during their relationship), just like that. I was devastated and was in so much sorrow, I lost 15 lb. because of this ordeal. But we kept talking to each other after all that as well.He told me he didn't wanna stop talking. That sent me very mixed signals.Fast forward 6 months later, that relationship ended with him and that other women. I was able to see him for a week after that when I came over. I was still hurt, I stayed at his flat, and when he was gone, I saw her stuff around and threw it away. The evidence was clear that he really liked her a lot. He confessed to me that he did love her, which I couldn't fathom because he had said he loved me too and that took a long time for him to say that to me, with her, it took only days upon knowing each other. He has apologized for hurting me and being irresponsible. But the damage has been done, I find myself being very insecure, damaged, and torn up inside. I want to forget and forgive him, but I still blame him for a lot of things. What we used to have, was no longer there. He says he still loves me, but when I saw him last, he was conflicted, he didn't look at me the same way he used to, he didn't smile at me like he used to, and even worst, he didn't kiss me like he used to. Something was lost.When we used to see each other, it was so fun, now it's so heavy. My heart is so heavy. We still talk to each other, but the fun is gone. It's still very affectionate, but there is no fun anymore. He had told me he'd want me to live w/ him if I came over again for for permanence. And that he loves me, but he has to keep his distance if things didn't work out between us. I desperately grasp on. I am elated every time he logs online. However, he isn't like that anymore with me. It used to be mutual. We talk about 5 times a week and average of 3-4 hours each day. I recognize that it was the long distance that effed everything up for us, however I still find my self very hurt, confused, love starved, and hateful of a person I've never met before. I've seen her on the internet, and I just look at her face and think of how disgusting she looks. I really don't see the attraction.How could he have said the same things to her that he said to me. I'm crazy! I'm a monster for even thinking thoughts like this? It's not helping my situation. Anyways. I am having serious thoughts of living with him, and giving our relationship a proper go. I believe that he does care a lot about me. All his friends know about me, his mother knows a lot about me, I've met her (it was weird, he brought me over to see her when I was there.)He said he would be happy if I were to come live with him. I want to forgive him, let go of all these bad feelings, forget that that other girl ever existed. I do believe he cares about me a lot, but he walled up on me again. What used to be a very open and loving relationship we had is now proceeded with caution on my side as well as his side. It's very painful for me, because I feel unwanted and not treated as preciously anymore.Guys, Is this guy stringing me a long? Or is he being sincere about his feelings? Why is he being like this? I need some male advice (girls can chime in too). I feel that I want to be with him. But I also feel that even though we do care a lot about each other. It's heavy now. It's not like it used to be. There is baggage. I just really wanna be happy. I think about him constantly. In my dreams, while I erotically fantasize, it's him 100% of the time. I think about how he's doing, if he's doing well. I think about hugging him a lot. I miss him so much. Sometimes I also think it's better if he would just stop talking to me, instead of letting our relationship float in limbo land. It's like having ur favorite dish in front of you. U can smell it, but you can eat it. Sheer torture.How do you guys think I should handle this?
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female
reader, appledapples +, writes (29 July 2009):
appledapples is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Syrefire. Yeah. I hope to let go of it. I just feel kinda stupid to. Because equal in this relationship has gone out the window. It used to be the other way around. He used to say things like I wanna treat you like a queen and pining for my attention. Me not being used to that, got swept off my feet. And now, i'm the one pining for him. It makes me feel nauseous and vulnerable. I was never in this position before. I hope to just be really happy one day like I was, ideally it would want it to be with him, but i'm trying not to hold my breath.
Do you think me taking this risk to be with him is questionable?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2009): Well, it seems like you love him, at least.
This guy doesn't sound as vested as you are in the relationship. Its possible that you can turn all this around, don't ever let anyone tell you its not. A good possibility.
But here's what I see. It doesn't sound like you ever moved on. Ever. And he did. He found another woman. Even worse, he knows you never moved on, and knows that he did. This puts him in a position of power that could be difficult to cope with. I mean equal flies right out the window at this point unless there is a factor or nuance I'm not thinking of or don't know about.
The heavy feeling.. Is a weight of past baggage between you two, and you wanting to air everything out, all your grievances, hurts, cares, everything. I think you do need to let go in one way or another. If not of him, then of what he's done, and (if applicable) what you have done. Its important to your being happy.
See, when people say let go it sounds so ominous, but if you flip it to just mean let go of your hurt, then you can still enjoy this man you care so much about. That's my opinion anyway.
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