A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I recently fell in love with a married man from a far-off land (something I personally don't approve of and yet it has happened to me!). He came for a visit a month ago to my country. I had met him five months earlier in his own country and while nothing happened during my trip there, when he got here, we both fell very comfortably and naturally into a warm and wonderful affair, spending four of the most wonderful days together, and now we write daily and phone weekly oohing and aahing in wonder over the extent of our feelings and the strength of the bond we feel for each other.He constantly says, and after much difficulty, I have come to believe him when he says he loves me, that I've changed his life and that I mean the world to him. However, he has also said that he loves his wife and lives in fear of losing his family - in particular his children/grandchildren - and yet he continues writing the most beautiful, heartfelt emails filled with tender words and declarations and dreams of us seeing each other one day soon.Now I know what you are thinking - I was thinking it too...PLAYER! But his words and actions don't seem like someone who is just out for sex. (Surely to God, he could've gotten that in his own country!!) I mean, he cried... CRIED...on our last night together, genuinely broken up at the prospect of not seeing me again and then proceeded to call me long-distance the minute he got back home. Within a week of emailing, he said I would never know how much he loved me. In my experience, guys don't use the L word lightly unless they are absolute snakes which, again, I can't see as applying to this man.Anyway, he recently suggested we meet in Europe in a few months and while I want to see him again if, for no other reason, to determine if this whole thing is REAL (or just a holiday fling - which he ADAMANTLY insists it's not) I'm just not sure if there is any point to any of this.Mind you, on the other side of the coin, it does feel very premature to expect the guy to upend his life of some 30 years for four - albeit spectacular - days with someone he barely knows.So I guess my question is, is there any point in going to meet him again in Europe? I personally don't feel I can walk away from such a rare - really once-in-a-lifetime connection but I'm already in love with him and scared stiff that one or both of us could end up suicidal over this whole wonderful and terrible pickle we've gotten ourselves into.Any great ideas? Your suggestions would be greatly appreciated. ;)
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affair, fell in love, married man, my ex Reply to this Question
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male
reader, eddie +, writes (13 October 2008):
 I forgot to mention...happy thanksgiving...and although you don't ask a guy to change his life because of you, it's also necessary to remove yourself from the scenario. As long as you make yourself available, you're tempting him and giving him an option other than focusing on his marriage. You can find a single guy! Guaranteed.
A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (13 October 2008):
It seems you got some solid advice. I see by your reply to my comment that you didn't set out to steal someone else's husband. I totally believe you but that is what it comes down to. Most of us do not deliberately choose to be in strange situations and the heart often leads us to do things that we can not imagine. When we realize though that what we are doing is not the best choice, it becomes our burden. At that point we own our actions. Find someone who is available and has no strings. We all deserve to have someone. Sometimes it takes longer than we'd like. But choosing the road guided by integrity is the best option. You'll do fine.
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A
female
reader, Blue_Angel0316  +, writes (12 October 2008):
 You are welcome hon. I know from your post and your concerns that you already know what to do. Let go with grace and humility and keep your self-respect and dignity. You are going to be just fine.
Blessings,
Blue_Angel
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2008): There is no point to this. It is way too premature. He has stated to you that he is in love with you and he loves his wife. He sounds like a overly-passionate, almost desperate man! He needs attention and you are the one, he has chosen, to get that from. He has known you for 5 months so I am thinking with the adrenalized rush of intimacy and sexual desire could be causing his emotional connectiveness to you, he is mistaking 'lust for love'. He has known her for 30 years, they have an wonderful abundance of adult children and grandchildren. I admit, it's could be quite likely that after 30 years of marriage, the sexual intimacy has become mundane and a bit complacent with the wife. But...there is no denying it... he loves her. And this is where the 'mistress' who has sex with another woman's husband...asks herself why does he still love her? Well, in my opinion, a long solid marriage is supposed to be an enhancement to each other's life. It is there, for two people who love, trust, care for, and respect one another, through the joys and heartaches of raising family, going through hard challenges, to finally enjoying, the bounty of grandchildren and family unity, at the end of the road. This is where he is with her and this could be what he means when he says he 'loves her'.
There are people who are married and love each other so much, that no matter what life throws at them, committing an indfidelity on the other would never cross their mind. He is committing an infidelity with you..my thoughts are that cheating always will always remain a central facet to this relationship, with him, no matter how far this goes. My thoughts: Let this guy go. When a man tells you he loves his wife, it means he doesn't really love you. He only loves the convenience of having you there to give him what he desires. And let's face it, I am sensing a 'needy, lonely' man here. And what about you, can you go on living a double life? Being a mistress? That in my books, would be is a huge psychological burden, one that an obviously intelligent woman like you may be really unable to bear. He's not offering you anything here, dear. Pack it in and move on. Let him go back and be with the woman he really loves...his wife. Allow them to work at their marriage issues...stop being availabale to him. That is preventing him from working at his marriage. And you get out there in life and make your own life, find someone who is unattached and give 'all of himself' to you. No just bits and pieces of his time. You deserve it, truely you do. Good luck and take care.
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female
reader, SarahOwen  +, writes (12 October 2008):
You could meet him again and just keep it casual, but I think you should ask yourself why you want to commit to or have a relationship with a man who is essentially unavailable - he's not just married, he's in another time zone!
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your kindness and understanding Blue Angel. I appreciate your lack of judgment and gentle words more than I can say. XO
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female
reader, Blue_Angel0316 +, writes (12 October 2008):
I can understand your delima. Our hearts can often feel what our eyes cannot see, what our minds cannot know and even that which we cannot touch. Love is not simply a word but it's a heartfelt emotion. Sometimes we wait a lifetime for this and sometimes it is never found at all. When we believe that we have found love it's human nature to want to grasp it and hold it forever.
You don't believe in this kind of thing so you are actually going against what your concience is telling you about this relationship. The fact you already know it's wrong, as he is a married man should be All the more reason to think this all through before you do anything. He is already afraid of loosing everything in his past and present life(before and after the *fling). Chances are that in the end he may not be able to follow thru with the relationship even if he loves you.
Please remember that alot of times when affairs happen one of the parties and sometimes both can't afford to divorce. It could be due to finacial, emotional or abandonment issues. There are other issues as well. Sometimes they don't cope well. Sometimes if they cheated on their spouse they could wind up doing it to YOU!\
If you go even at his expense, you probably won't be allowed to meet any family, co-workers or friends. Most of the time the other woman/man is kept the *Dirty Secret* I suggest that you really try hard to move on with your life here and pray that you find someone who will love, want and deserve you the right way. The Good Book says, "Honor they husband/wife" ,"Til death do us part" , " Let not what God has put together let man put asunder" From your earlier comments this might be what you were reffering to. If you don't believe in *cheating or having affairs then it is definantely against you to start with. Think about what you you and he both have to loose.
Remember that words are just words sometimes. Remember that sometimes tears are heartfelt yet again they can tell a lie. When a person is not happy it can become all too easy to cheat and use any excuse. Just be careful and be prepared. Most men WILL NOT leave their families for the other woman.
I will say that if it's true love on both parts, then waiting it out could bring a positive thing. In event that he divorces one day, he can certainly visit and give you the VERY BEST instead of the LEFTOVERS.
God bless,
Blue_Angel
^(**)^
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks very much for your speedy and honest response.
As mentioned, I don't approve of this type of thing myself. It's just been hard for me to see the forest for the trees as I feel something I've never felt before (and I'm no spring chicken so it has been a long time in the coming). But I ultimately agree with you and certainly have never suggested he change his situation BECAUSE of me.
Oh, and for the record? I didn't set out to nor am I now trying to steal anyone's husband. I just have had the misfortune of falling in love with someone who is married.
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reader, eddie +, writes (12 October 2008):
What would a person with integrity do? You said yourself that what you're doing is wrong or not something you approve of. End of story. You are making a choice to stick yourself into a situation that in inappropriate.
Sometime we need to do what is morally correct, even if it is not what we really desire. Just because we feel something doesn't mean it's meant to be ours. Unfortunately people often do what's easy.
You can feel the love but he's is not available. Even if he's interested, hes married and has a life. That is my opinion. People embark on things they realize are wrong and when they get hooked, they try to justify poor behavior. This probably not the answer you want but I can't suggest you follow through on a plan that will help brake up a family. If he should choose, without any encouragement from you, to end his marriage, then go ahead. At the moment though you're stealing someone's husband/father.
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