A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I'm really desperate for advice - sorry this is a long story. A couple of years ago I separated from my husband (of 12 years marriage - total 18 year relationship). Our relationship had deteriorated to such an extent that we had not had sex for several years, positive emotion was 'numb' and our arguments had become voilent - with one incident when I was permanently scarred. Overall my husband had become controlling and undermining and his family had sensed a problem in our marriage and turned against me - telling me it was my fault and shunning me.My husband moved to be nearer his job and I got my own place to rent - to give us space and time, and I really wasn't sure what was going to happen next. Because of my indecision I received real 'hostility' from my parents in particular who did little to hide their disappointment in my actions - and at times got quite aggressive with me - taking my husband's side and making me feel like a failure. I certainly didn't get any support and thankfully I had a few close friends at work to see me through. I sometimes saw my husband at a weekend but generally although I felt sadness I was calmer and able to be myself again during that time. In addition I met a lovely guy who I began a relationship with and then fell in love with. He is loving, generous and kind but I felt unable to give 100% to the relationship at the time because I had not detached myself fully from the failed marriage and was not ready for big commitments like him moving in or anything.My new love then moved to a different country (Australia) with work and is now permanently settled there and has been for a year - I remain in the UK. During this last year I have been changing my career, studying new subjects and generally trying to move my life on positively living in a different place to get away from unsupportive family. They firmly think I should be back with my husband and make comments whenever possible to dig. Neither he or I have started divorce proceedings and I am under terrible pressure to update people on what is happening. I have been accused of 'drifting' yet I feel I am just trying to make the right moves in my own time and at my own pace. Nothing feels good enough and I have begun to feel I need to withdraw from family contact to avoid the constant back-stabbing.I am still in love with the the guy who has moved country. I did not tell my family anything about that relationship (it went on for a year when he was in the UK) because they would have been terribly judgmental and I really couldn't deal with more emotional poison. I just wanted some fun and to feel 'free' again. However I now feel like a fraud and that it was cruel of me towards him to treat him like a secret. I just didn't want it ruined.Now I have gained more confidence in myself I have some things to confront. The guy who moved away and I have maintained a loving 'relationship' with albeit my phone and email, for a year still, after all this time, wants me with him. He has set himself up with stable job, house etc. I could continue my study where he lives and my lifestyle would be amazing - far better than it is now.However.... I can feel myself buckling at the 'giant leap' fear. My 'husband' has made a suggestion we could try again - not sure he would have split in the first place - and with the constant family pressure I am becoming weaker by the day and unsure about the best thing to do. I don't know whether I have it in me to see if it could work and I had done so much to be me again, lived a different life, that I feel like I'm failing - kind of unravelling my feelings back again and potentially I will be back to square one. However a part of me is drawn to the 'familiarity' of knowing him. He knows nothing of the other relationship.I have so much pressure from all sides I feel like I am cracking up. I had planned very very soon to go and see the guy who has moved away - for a holiday / break and to see what life I could live. However I am worried that with my confused thoughts I am being two-faced. I feel so sad because I really love him and yet it seems so 'impossible' with such emotional baggage and lack of family support. I just cannot bare the thought of not seeing him again and not ever knowing what might have been.How can I get over my many fears? - my life seems to be driven by fear! Should I just let the guy living in Australia go or get on a plane and visit him? Instead should I give up on the Ozzy dream and give my husband another chance - try harder to make a go of it in the UK? I am running out of time and options and whichever way I am going to have to lie about things or ring-fence myself to avoid conflict. None of this sits comfortably and I cannot sleep at night with the torment. Any help so gratefully received.
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at work, confidence, divorce, fell in love Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (7 April 2008):
 Buy your tickets today. I agree with Laura, you really have nothing to lose. Check out Australia. I'll bet your visit will convince you to trade your miserable marriage for a real chance for happiness. Good luck, keep us posted.
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (7 April 2008):
 If I were You , I would hopped on the plane and start a new life and goodbye to the old.
If it does not work , you can always go back to your old world.
There is nothing to lose . Treat it like a holiday and give yourself a fair chance.
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A
male
reader, Smiffy  +, writes (7 April 2008):
 Go for it girl...life is not a rehersal....only one time here...PACK UP...SHIP OUT ....for your new life down under...
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A
female
reader, MissWendlemoot  +, writes (7 April 2008):
 Ask yourself, have all the problems that is causing your marriage to end been resolved 100%?
Why are your afraid to end the marriage?
I think if you know deep down the marriage is over, end it and then go visit the man in Australia and see how things go. You don't have to tie yourself down to him either and one thing I regret after my divorce was not dating around for awhile.
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A
female
reader, BigSis +, writes (7 April 2008):
 OOOH!! If I were in your shoes, i'd hop on that plane and be with the man you love.
You said yourself your family have not supported you through this break up with your husband, and that you can't stand that constant back-stabbing. So there'll be no missing them for a while.
Your husband was abusive and violent toward you. How do you know he'll change? You have a chance of a new life.
Weigh up the pro's and con's here;
Who do you really love ~ deep down?
Which one do you believe honestly loves you?
Who will provide you with a more safe and secure environment?
Which one of the two can you see yourself growing old with?
I'm going to ask you now, do you still love your husband? If you answer straight away that you don't, or if you even hesitate at answering me ~ then the answer must be, 'no', you don't love him.
Do you love this man in Australia? If your answer to me is 'yes', with no hesitation whatsoever, then I have no doubt in my mind that you love him.
Now the rest is up to you. I know going to Australia is one humungous leap, but you have to think of numero~uno and that's you. Your happiness counts and you only have one life. Live it and enjoy it.
I sincerely wish you all the best, you sound like you really deserve to be happy.
So from me...good luck and if you can, please keep us updated.
Luv BigSis xXx
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