A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi - would be pleased to hear from anyone else with similar experience or who could help....When I got married in my early 20's my mother-in-law had already taken a dislike to me. It wasn't the classic 'not good enough' routine. It was fundamentally that I was not what she had envisaged. I was career focused, didn't want children straight away and didn't like spending all day shopping for clothes. The complete opposite of her. Over the years she made it obvious she disliked me - giving me nasty looks, turning her back on me physically at social occasions to exclude me and picking on the way I looked, behaved, cooked and generally spoke at every opportunity. To add to this misery by father in law gradually started to join in - undermining put-downs regarding my family, my work etc and even spiteful comments regarding the way I looked on photos (both of them did this)saying I looked thin, frizzy hair etc. During this time my self-esteem took a nose-dive and my marriage suffered. For quite some time my husband refused to 'hear' any of it - even though he was in the same room. When he finally began to agree with me I had had enough of it all, was suffering from depression and cut all contact with them so I could heal myself.Five years in my marriage was on the rocks over this, a lack of loyalty and various other issues such as terrible rows I began to see that my husband also had a controlling way - pretty much emotionally abusive - and there were traits similar to his father.My parents had always supported me in removing myself from my parents in law so that I could have some peace. However when my marriage started to go wrong and I could no longer pretend otherwise (or wanted to - sick of the acting) they could not offer me the emotional support.In fact I began to think at one stage that my mother was so angry at me, so bitter and disappointed about it that it was almost like it was her marriage and not mine! Their resentment and inability to help me deal with it in a supportive way really kicked me - I was so down. My Mother could not even look me in the face for about 2 months and said "she was not going to simply sit and chat with me pretending everything was ok." I lost all trust and faith in them during that time and since have kept them at arms length. This infuriates them further because now I tell them nothing. I have a sister who has many issues of her own and has little time to listen to anyone else so I don't bother her with it.My marriage limps along and I feel so lonely and isolated. The lack of support is keeping me stuck in life in so many ways - I want to move my career on and can't, I have given up making an effort with my appearance and I have lost the zest. I have only a few friends none of which I am that close with, I keep everything in. I have been to counselling to help with the family side of things - this has helped a little but I cannot change the way they are and so I only get so far with it. Mum and Dad are judgmental about pretty much everyone. My Mother is bothered about all the difficult questions her friends and even distant relatives are asking her about my marriage... I told her I don't care what they ask but she got angry. I'm sick of it.How do I cope with all of this? I have tried several different things none of which have helped ME so far. My husband tries to listen to me but he said he just accepts his family will never like me - sad as that is. I therefore have the humiliation of being isolated at home while he goes off to various family get togethers. In the meantime I have nobody in my family for support. I am now 35 and childless and I put this down to not feeling loved and supported enough to bring a child into such a mess. Trouble is it doesn't seem it will go away and my life is passing me by. Please help.
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emotionally abusive, limp, want children Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2008): Is the last answer incomplete?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2008): Very sorry
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (7 April 2008):
 I am very sorry that you are going through life without any
emotional and unconditional support from anyone.
Your life is like a void or a black bottomless hole.
If you have tried and things cannot change, then you either
need to change yourself or leave that kind of world .
You do not have children and leaving and staying alone and
being independent maybe a better option than remaining
in a loveless marriage where you are not respected and treated with contempt.
My daughter too faced the same problems as you and we have
been giving her unconditional support without fail.
Right or wrong she is our daughter and deserved all our unconditional support.
Life would still be bearable if your husband had shown some
compassions and love to you and defend your dignity and honour.
Sadly he has failed to defend your dignity from his parents .
He has failed you.
Will you take all those craps they throw at you or will you
stand up and fight for your rights .
The choice is yours.
...............................
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