A
male
age
36-40,
*th Seeker
writes:Hey guys, I've been pondering this for a while now, but I'd like to get some outside opinions on this.I'm still a virgin at 20, and quite frankly I'm over it. It hasn't happened yet, I can't see it happening anytime soon, and I just feel bored and frustrated.I'm going home to New Zealand in a few weeks, and prostitution is legal there.Should I go to a nearby "Gentleman's Club" and be done with it? I've been in just to check it out, the girls in there are very attractive. I'd end up with an extremely beautiful woman without going through the hoop-jumping of dating or making a dick of myself. I could do whatever I want and get experience, so that my first time with a real girlfriend wouldn't be terrible.Then again, I'd be selling myself short, reducing myself to another hopeless sleaze with a wad of cash, with the memory of my first time being a business transaction...But is that so bad? I'm a guy, losing your virginity is only a special magical Disney moment for girls. There is no special girl for me, the best I could find around here would be some drunken slapper that's had most other guys in town.Waiting for a nice girl to come along is futile. It would've happened by now surely.But do I hire an escort? I'm a nice guy, I don't really feel right about walking in and paying a girl for whatever. Doesn't seem noble at all. But would settling for some tart be any better?What the hell do I do?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2008): If it is an issue for you just go for it. Do your research online first so you can find the right girl and read some reviews. I'd even tell her in advance what your situation is.
Book yourself enough time, say 2 hours, so that it doesn't feel like rushed mechanical thing and you'll have enough time to have a cuddle and a talk afterwards. Ask her to show you how to make her happy. Treat her with respect.
It may not be perfect but it'll be a lot better than many boy's first times. Listen to her carefully and learn and you'll be ahead of the game in terms of your experience.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2008): I'm 21 and in your situation. I'm hiring an escort tomorrow afternoon. Very few people are genuinely in a position to give you advice, you gotta go with your gut
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reader, Heart22 +, writes (17 March 2008):
Don't do it man, you will regret it. There is a big difference between making love and having sex. Sex is no substitution.
I can understand your horny or whatever, but it is a memory you *should* be able to cherish for the rest of your life, not look back on as some stupid stunt.
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female
reader, korculan queen +, writes (16 March 2008):
glad to hear you are ok mate. Being a virgin is basically to be intact. Although you are male what I am getting at is most people see losing your virginity as the be all and end all of what qualifies you as a person. You have alot of strength actually to be your age and still pristine. I wish I could have said the same for me. My first time was with a tourist so really not that good as there was no chance for a bond to come with the experience. I feel that once you get back from holidays something good will come your way. Keep smiling mate and a good times are just around the corner for you. Keep peace with yourself and practise some positive affirmations.
1. I am worthy of love and respect.
2. I am a good person and I value my beliefs.
3. I am fine just the way I am.
4. I believe that good things will happen to me.
5. I am capable of maintaining a healthy stable relationship.
6. I value myself as I do others.
Practice this daily and you will see the benefits mate. Good luck and happy holidays.
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reader, 7th Seeker +, writes (16 March 2008):
7th Seeker is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks to everyone who took the time to answer my question. After all the words of support I've decided to not to use an escort. I was feeling down in the dumps when I posted this question but I feel much better about it now. I've waited this long, it wont hurt to wait a bit longer for a girl worthwhile to be with.~cheers
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reader, Mushgirl  +, writes (15 March 2008):
 There seem to be loads of guys (and girls) like you. I'm 17 and probably about 60% of the people I know have had sex. But then again, most of them seem to be girls.
I don't know about the whole 'moral aspect'. If it's getting you down, go and sleep with someone. Maybe it'll increase your self esteem a bit. Then again, maybe it'll just make you feel lousy. Who knows?
Flynn 24 talks a lot of sense in all his posts. Listen to him!
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reader, Dr Vendetta +, writes (14 March 2008):
 not too sure what i can add that hasn't realy ready been said.
i didn't love my virginity till i was 19. hell didn't even kiss a girl till i was 19.
i guess theres 2 things to look at.
#1. the long you leave it the more you're going to beat yourself up over it and will develope a complex that's just going to make it harder and harder ( excuse the pun) when the time does come.
#2. sex is the oldest business since the dawn of time. is it ideal? no.. is it cheaper than an actual gf? yes. is it moral? thats for you to decicde. in having sex with a professional sure its going to be memorable. probably a damn site better than most poples first times. ( i don't know of any girls who had a disney moment... nore do i remember seeing that in cindrella )
This also brings up the issue of.. doing it again. and thus developing a complex and a problem of paying for sex.
its very much a double edged knife.
i have no problem or issue with people paying for sex. as long as everyones clean and the girls/guys arn't geting hurt then i see no moral issues.
a friend of mine was 22 when he finally cracked his nuts. met this girl on line did her on new years. got back ot his hotel and then ended up screwing her best friend too... funny really.
If you feel you're able to mentally understand that in paying for it. its not a loving and long lasting relationship and once its done its done and you make it a one time only thing.
Then.. hell. go for it. and on a personal note. if you DO do pay for it for your first time.
Make it worth your while and get 2 girls and go out with a bang.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2008): I'm 19 and in the same position as you, so you're not alone. I haven't even kissed a girl properly yet, and have only been out with one 3 years ago. Then i don't know if i could call that a 'relationship' really.
Becuase of my lack of experience with girls i find it harder each day to push myself to do anything to stop this. I'm not really shy or anything, i speak infront of a lot of people all of the time (becuase of my job). But when it comes to girls, i fall way short. It's causing me massive mood swings, more than ever before, and they are more bad than good moods. Sometimes i give up and accept that there is no chance, other times i feel that there may be a light at the end of the tunnel. I feel your pain, it's a nightmare when you are both awake and asleep. And you probably live more in hope than expectation that someone is going to come along and save you from it.
But weigh up the pro's and cons, if you do lose your virginity the way you are considering then i don't think you'll be fully happy. Like me, you want the girlfriend side too. To make someone happy, to be there for someone, for your first time to be special. And you're not going to get that through the "Gentleman's Club", as you put it, you'll only get halfway there.
Today there was a cute girl at a reception desk where i go. She smiled when i walked in, we said hi to each other, and we held eye contact for a while. But i couldn't take it further than that. So i see what people are saying about confidence. I guess meeting the problem head on, but slowly will solve this. Talk to girls more, as Double M said hold eye contact etc... It worked for me today for a while with that receptionist, but i didn't have the confidence to take it further. Stick to the nice guy, if thats what you truly are. Becuase i am sure there are people out there that will find those qualities attractive, even if there aren't many of them as it seems.
Anyway the normal way looks the harder way to the goal, but we both know that it's the better way in the end. But you have to push hard to get there by the looks of things.
take care, and keep us up to date.
anonyman uk
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reader, korculan queen +, writes (14 March 2008):
Mate you sound like a real catch. 20 and still a virgin. Mate I am sure there are plenty of women out there from 18- 35 that would just love to meet you. With hookers, it is just sex and I have been friends with hookers and mate they do at least 10 guys at night and their busiest day is actually monday during the day. They have this rule where they do not allow you to kiss them on the lips and mate your first time should be with someone you feel so passionate about you do it all kissing included. Mate they do serve their purpose but it is an expensive way to go. I am sure the nightclub scene would have lots of girls there. Can you dance? Love it when a guy is not afraid to dance I don't care if they can't dance just think its cute when they get up there and shake it! The key to success is confidence. Just cause you haven't done it before does not mean you won't know how to do it. Mate once you find a girl that attracts you and you do the deed mate I reckon you won't stop and want more and more. Much better to have a girlfriend than a hooker for this reason.
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reader, DoubleM  +, writes (14 March 2008):
 Everyone here has provided excellent advice and perspective. May I simply add a few thoughts about attracting a girl in the first place. First, go where the girls are, wherever that may be. Exposure to possibilities is number one. Then, always walk upright and straight, as tall as you may be and never with head hung low. Watch your posture! Be confident, as least in looks. Always be nicely dressed and groomed.
Always look all the girls in their eyes, even in passing, at a club, store or wherever. Hold the look, with a "smile" in your eyes and once they return your look, hold it at least as long as they look back, even longer. If they glance downward after catching your eye for a couple of seconds, keep looking because they may look back upward to you with a smile (or at least look again). That is a huge invitation to approach and simply say, "Hello, I'm "John" (or whatever), what's your name?." Do not bother with "pick up" lines.
Learn about a girl's body language. There's quite a bit to that, but always face them if they face toward you and tilt their head as you speak with them. If you see a girl playing with her hair in your immediate presence, stay near and begin talking with them. If they adjust their skirt, or perhaps rub their thigh while you talk, stay with it. Say any damn thing, but do not overly praise their beauty or anything like that. Remain kind of "cocky" about yourself, but maybe say once or twice, "Hey, you're pretty cute! I like your eyes."
And always try to be at least a bit funny.
Smile big at times, most of the time, and break into a laugh at most anything they may say if it sounds the least bit humorous or clever rather than serious. You should also remain very lighthearted, cocky and clever if possible. Think "fun" thoughts. At least "act" like you are thoroughly enjoying their presence at all times.
Remember, always look them in the eyes when you speak, when they speak and only rarely glance away. Do not "glare" or stare of course, and keep on smiling.
Let nature take it's course from there, and if that does not land you a girlfriend within the next couple of weeks or months (providing you are not in the Outback or somewhere with only snakes), then I'm all wrong or whatever. But that is how I've been meeting girls (and now older women) for some 45 years. It does not always work, but it does much of the time. Best wishes.
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reader, 7th Seeker +, writes (14 March 2008):
7th Seeker is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Danielepew, you're right. You mentioned it was possible that I'd end up going back days later - that's one thing that worried me more than anything. I'd hate to get hooked and waste all my pay every week.
But at the same time, I'm tired of the high road. I've worn out a thousand pairs of boots walking the high road, and look where that got me: I have nothing to show for being the good guy other than isolation and insecurity.
It's almost at the point where I wanna say 'to hell with it', forget my moral compass and my stubborn sense of honor, and do Gentleman's Club thing. Becoming the type of person I hate, actually.
But it turns out that even now, I have more pride than that. I have enough pride that I'm hesitating, not diving right into it. It would seem like admitting defeat otherwise.
I don't just want sex, I want someone special to have it with. The hooker route would only solve half the problem.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2008): I'd like to say that with the right person, even for a guy, there is that "disney magical moment"
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reader, Danielepew  +, writes (14 March 2008):
 Oops! I forgot. Waiting for a nice girl to come along may not be futile (hard word), but it's the sure way not to have anyone. Some men have an easier time learning this lesson, but the truth is that you can't just hope that a nice woman will come to you. You need to take the initiative and how to manage your own self. This is the key point. Going to the Gentleman's Club is not the solution.
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reader, Danielepew +, writes (14 March 2008):
I would like to start by commending Flynn 24 on his excellent post. He told it just like it is. I disagree a bit about the porn but he was just excellent in summarizing why a man in the poster's situation would consider going to a "Gentleman's club", like the poster said. I should point out that it's not lust Flynn 24 is talking about.
I won't talk about whether going there would be moral or immoral. I will say, however, that it won't solve your problem, poster. You won't learn how not to blow it when a woman gives you the time of day, or how to perceive what she is feeling, et cetera. You will get laid, and that's it. And I wonder what kind of a sexual experience it would be. It's true that you would have the physical contact and a little learning. Everyone knows about a prostitute with a good heart who "teaches you". But I don't think your going there would be more than sexual relief. Five days later, after eating from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, you will want more of that fruit. And you will keep going.
I would recommend you to work out on your issues instead. It would be the high road, but the real solution you need.
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reader, AskEve +, writes (14 March 2008):
 You're selling yourself short here! You just need to believe in yourself more. Life is a learning curve, okay so you screwed it up with a couple of girls, learn from it and move on and make sure you don't make the same mistakes with the next one.
You say you have nothing to offer a woman but your profile tells me different. You seem a genuine, caring, compassionate man who with the right person would make a wonderful partner! You save yourself hun, you're much too good for prositutes! When the right woman comes along (and she will) you'll thank me! (winks).
You take care,
~Eve~
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reader, 7th Seeker +, writes (14 March 2008):
7th Seeker is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Eve. Haha I realized later that a male answered, I posted my response then I saw Flynn's post. I am very much like him, I agree with a lot that he said, especially about his morals preventing him from doing it. I feel wrong about it too.
I guess after one or two failed outcomes with girls I truly cared about, I'm too worried about putting my heart on my sleeve and approaching women. I haven't got anything worthwhile to offer: most women would find me boring (I don't go to huge parties often or live life on the edge, etc). I screwed it up with the very few girls who even gave me the time of day, and I really regret it. Maybe I had my chances and I blew it.
There are guys in the world who only get laid using money, maybe I'm just one of them? Its entirely possible.
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reader, AskEve +, writes (14 March 2008):
Unlike guys, looks don't matter as much as personality to a woman. And by the way, a guy DID answer you! Look again lol.
You know what's holding you back! I suggest you try to get rid of the bitterness and pessimism you feel and work on trying to be more approachable. You'll find women will warm to you a lot more if you at least TRY.
~Eve~
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reader, 7th Seeker +, writes (14 March 2008):
7th Seeker is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your answers. All the answers have been from women, I appreciate that. So far the consensus seems to be don't do it, so I'll definitely think about it carefully.
The funny thing is, most of you are probably in a happy relationship or have at least had sex with someone you care about. I know you say 'don't worry, its no big deal', but for you it was probably easy and it all turned out great(bearing in mind I don't claim to know for sure, I'm just putting it out there).
Me? I come off like a pessimistic, bitter person to most girls, if I'm being honest. Its just the way I am, which is why I doubt a girl would waste her time getting to know me. I'm not hideous, but I'm not attractive enough for the effort. A one-night stand or an escort - neither require me to get personal at all, which is the appeal.
What do my fellow males think? Would you consider doing what I'm talking about?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008): I think you should wait to be honest. I'm 20 and still a virgin, and sometimes it bothers me and sometimes I'm fine with it. It's something special that once you lose it, you can never get it back. I would rather wait until someone special comes along, but that's just me. People are different, so if you think it is not something you will regret later, go for it. However, think about it for a WHILE before making the decision. You never know, you might meet that special someone in a few months or even days.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008): As long as these women are clean (no diesease), I see no problem in you getting some experience. At least this won't be bothering you later (nervous because of first time) when you do find a girl friend that you will become intimate with.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008): I'm gonna try and help these women understand just what virginity means to a man.
You may say being a virgin doesn't matter, but I guarantee if you were to hit it off with a guy at a bar and he told you he was a virgin, at 24 like I am, then you would be freaked right out and any chance of sex would go out the window.
Now, I'm not a virgin by choice. I could have sex anytime by hiring a call-girl. The problem is, I have a moral compass that prevents me from doing so.
And I've never once met a girl who likes me enough to bone me. Perhaps its my personality. But not one has ever liked me in that way. I seemed to be relegated to the nice guy, but not the guy that's good enough to bone.
Now sex. You need to understand that as a male, the drive for sex is almost naturally higher than for a woman. Why else do you think we want it so much that even in relationships we look at porn and fire off the knuckle children? Its because we want so much that we need to self-pleasure just to keep the drive in check because obviously having sex at every opportunity we want to is not an option.
We want love as much as the next person. But like it or not, sex appeal is almost the first thing you see in a potential partner. If you don't find someone sexy within a few minutes, then a relationship is ot gonna emerge unless you develop the feelings over a larger amount fo time.
A man also wants to be a tiger in bed. He doesn't get that way by not having sex a lot. He gets that way by experimenting, and at 20 any woman is gonna expect you to have some of that experience by now.
Flynn 24
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reader, AskEve +, writes (13 March 2008):
You're still very young, what's the big deal? There's more important things to life than having sex. There's nothing to be embarrassed about being 20 and still a virgin, I say good for you! I admire you! It shows you respect yourself and aren't desperate to jump into bed with the first woman that's willing. It shows you're fussy too.
You say "the best I could find around here would be some drunken slapper that's had most other guys in town." Isn't that exactly what these girls are? Do you really want to part with your hard earned cash for 10 or 15 minutes of loveless, cold sex just so that you can say "I'm not a virgin any more!" You are only a number to these women and sex will only last as long as your money does. What a turn off huh?
There are nice girls out there and lots of them are still virgins too. Meanwhile if you're bored then find hobbies, join dating sites, find other ways to meet people and if you're sexually frustrated...? Well I'm sure you still have a good right hand!
Think carefully before you decide... but I know what I would do if I were you.
~Eve~
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reader, Jmo +, writes (13 March 2008):
 While I can't judge you for wanting to get laid, It seems like it is a big deal to you. The fact that you've posted this means you already have some reservations about it. I'm not going to tell you what to do, just think it through, and don't give up on finding a decent girl. And damn, I've known older virgins don't be embarrassed.
-Jmo
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008): hi...
remember that you are only 20.. you keep saying that you dont think that you will find anyone.... 20 is not that old, and maybe you are just looking in the wrong places. love doesnt always come to you. sometimes you have to go out and look for it.
think about how your future girlfriends/lovers will feel about this. incase you do find the woman of your dreams and she considers you the same, picture telling her how you lost your virginity, and think what her actions might be. i know that i would not particularly like to be with a man who lost his virginity to a hooker. there are a lot of very reasonable woman out there, but im sure whether she tells you or not, no woman in there right mind would think anything good about that.
also, whether you are a man or woman, losing your virginity is a very special/memorable moment. i think in the future whne you look back at sleeping with a hooker for your first sexual experience, you will feel less of a man. i could be wrong. i am just a woman anyways, but it is ultimately up to you. i recomend against this though. if not just for your sake, but also for the sake of your future lover!!!!!
mariah
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