A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need help! I have been living with my fiance the past 2 years and engaged for 1 year. We are supposed to get married in 4 months! I just found out from a friend he cheated on me the first year and a half we were together. He has now admitted to it and said he was "trying to make up his mind if he wanted to be with me". I am devastated. He says he has been totally committed to me for the past 2 1/2 years and I do believe that; however, I am having doubts about getting married and being able to trust him in the future. Should I forgive him or move on?
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cheated on me, engaged, fiance, move on Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Plain Jane  +, writes (5 February 2008):
 Postpone the marriage and live separately for a while. Give him time to "make up his mind". Once cheated, it'll be very very hard for a lady to gain back the trust on man and after marriage, the feeling of betrayal will live inside you forever. This happens to my best friend.
A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (3 February 2008):
 Hi,
that was big of him to admit that for the last 2.5 years you are worthy enough for him to remain faithful. He sounds like a real swell guy. I wonder what his reaction would be if you admitted to sleeping with someone during your relationship.
What happens if you guys go through a rough patch in future, will you still be worthy for him to stay faithful?
Only you can really know what type of man you have here, but will you ever be able to get this out of your head? It is not a good platform to start married life together is it?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2008): Really hate to say this but he has cheated on you - the trust is no longer there is it. Deep down it will always hurt and plague your mind and this is not fair to live with. I fear that if you stay with him and go ahead with all of this you are saying to him "Its ok to cheat on me - I'm a doormat and will always have you back." Find the strength to walk away. On your wedding day you should be able to look into his eyes and feel 100% happiness, trust and love. I'm so sorry as I think he has let you down beyond repair but I think you are struggling to come to terms with it all. Perhaps a half-step would be to postpone the wedding date - take the pressure off yourself so you have longer to make this big decision. Marry in haste repent at leisure.
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A
female
reader, duskyrowe  +, writes (3 February 2008):
 Ditch him and find a guy who will be exclusive to you.
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A
female
reader, nicole5178 +, writes (3 February 2008):
 Talk to him about it, and tell him that you don't entirely trust him anymore. Going to a marriage counsler could work. If nothing else, you should talk to your mother or a sibling and express your feelings. Lots of times talking these things out helps. If he doesn't want to talk about this anymore, maybe you should reconsider your relationship because if he's not talking about a serious issue now, he won't talk about serious issues during the marriage. Openess and honesty are the basis for healthy relationships.
Bottom line: don't get married if you don't want to. It's your choice, and just because it 'seems like your relationship should take that step', you could regret it later. If you love him and you would never want anyone else, marry him. If he's not your Prince Charming, don't rush anything. You deserve the best, and this is a good opportunity to show you how committed he is to the relationship. If he's committed, he'll want to work it out, and he'll care because you care.
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A
female
reader, onlinecounsellor_Dale +, writes (2 February 2008):
 Hi This is a tough one and my heart goes out to you. I can understand how torn you must be feeling right now.The decision you are faced with (whether to leave the relationship or to go ahead with your plans to marry) is quite literally a life changing one. You need to make this decision when the situation is less emotionally charged and you are clear headed. So... how do you do the above when you are only 4 months out from the wedding? First, put any further wedding planning on hold. You don't necessarily need to cancel the plans you have or even tell anyone you are stalling, but you do need to take your current focus off the 'big day'. Second, I would encourage you (or your fiance) to organise some couples counselling as a matter of urgency. Having a professional third party facilitate your discussion around such a heated topic will help you to decide whether you are going to be able to work through the hurt and regain your trust in your partner and your future. It will also enable your partner to hear and better understand the devastating impact which his behaviour has had, in a less inflammatory environment than the one you probably have on your own. Third, if you are unable to get into couples counselling immediately you may want to take some time out for yourself (if this is practical). Get away from the house the two of you share together for a few days. Be by yourself or with a close family member or friend - whichever feels right for you. Take the time to reflect on your relationship (the good as well as the bad), your hopes for the future and how this most recent information may change that. Level with yourself as to your capacity for forgiveness. Ask yourself "What are the possible costs of NOT forgiving my fiance?" and "What are the possible costs of forgiving him?"My thoughts are with you through this difficult time. Hang in there!Dale
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A
female
reader, sunnygirl2 +, writes (2 February 2008):
Oh, please, please, please!!! I pray that you will search your heart and see what I do from this. He cheated on you!!!! That is the bottom line! The trust is GONE!!! You wont be able to totally trust him, will you? Are you not an awesome woman who damned well deserves better? Why do we women settle for crumbs when there is a whole damn cake out there? I know it is going to be hard but if I were you I would end this. I have learned God puts doubts in our hearts and minds because they are big fat red flags and we need to listen to that little voice inside. I ended up marrying a guy who physically and verbally abused me. All the signs were there but I ignored them. Listen to that little voice!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2008): Postpone the wedding indefinitely. You guys need to re-establish trust. You do not want to get married and regret it later. Take some time rebuilding and go to counseling and then later reset your date.
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