A
female
age
30-35,
*bsolute
writes:Just to give you an insight: A principal I had in middle school agreed to go out to lunch with me when I asked him awhile back. We exchanged numbers and we’ve texted off and on these past couple of months. (Not like crazy, just to set up a day when to go). Some things have come up so we haven’t gotten around to it yet, but we set a date up for next week.My friends and friends’ parents think something is up because the man is in his early 40’s and I am 18, a senior at the high school. I didn’t think it was a big deal because I’m graduating in a few months. Not to mention he is married with two kids. It may come off wrong, but we just really hit it off. He’s pretty much one of the few teachers that can have a great relationship with a student without them being a scholar student or big athlete… I’m neither one of those things yet I am one of his favorites.I guess my question is if this lunch thing seems okay to you. I can honestly say this guy is great and I really respect him, but I have no intensions of putting a move on him or anything. Does he have the same intensions? Most people think he has a different mindset. They really don’t like how he texts me Friday nights or Saturday afternoons when he’s off and shouldn’t be thinking about me. And in one text he said he was sorry we haven’t “hooked up” yet. (Personally I think he didn’t mean it in any wrong way but that it just came out wrong.) Him and I both said it would just be a great way to talk for like the last time since I won’t see him after I graduate. I would just like to hear other peoples’ view on the situation. Thanks.
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female
reader, BettyBoup  +, writes (7 April 2010):
 Hi there.
I think it's lovely that you have formed such a strong bond with one of your teachers. It's great when you have a teacher you can really relate to, you can learn so much more from them than a teacher you clash with. It's also nice that you get on in a non-educational setting. It's good to have a professional adult you can go to with a problem.
As for meeting up outside school in a social setting on your own, I think this is kind of pushing the boundaries of your soon-to-end student-teacher relationship. As innocent as both of your intentions might be, this is where the complications arise. After you complete school you are not his pupil, you may share the bond you made in school but you will be just 2 people, out there in the world. He is not obliged to look out for you professionally anymore, so he chooses to be your friend as himself, not as a teacher.
If this were an end of school farewell lunch, why not with a bunch of his soon to be former students? Why just with one, his favourite perhaps, but also, maybe insignificantly, his favourite female?
After school ends your relationship will shift. You will no longer be one of his pupils therefore you are an 18 year old and 40 something guy out spending time together alone. Now I'm not saying people can't form close relationships with a member of the opposite sex or former pupil. It's just that going for a meal alone with someone is a setting for a date. Why not hook up at a bar with a few other students and teachers? That would take away any risk of it seeming improper.
You have to ask yourself these questions. You can be sure of your intentions, but not of his. If you do go for the lunch with him, go somewhere public and keep the topics to do with school, ie don't give him ammo to flirt with you. Personally, if I were his wife, I'd feel a little uncomfortable about why my husband wanted to take an 18 year old female soon to be ex-pupil out for lunch on her own. Why not bring a friend for your own peace of mind?
Good luck! It might be a mountain out of a mole hill situation n he could be a genuinly decent guy, but I can see how it could look to an outsider :)
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (5 April 2010):
 His wife or you ask another one of his ex-students to come with you, otherwise it's can be very risky business for a teacher to meet up socially with a student, especially these days in the US.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (5 April 2010):
 I don't know. This could be completely innocent and he's just a nice guy who cares about an old student, but my feeing is that the impropriety of it is a show-stopper. Even if there's no hidden agenda on either side, just having this meeting could compromise him in a way that might damage his career.
I think the way to make absolutely sure this won't come back to bite anyone on the butt is to have lunch with him AND his wife. The three of you can talk about life and things, no one will be upset that a 40something is having lunch with an 18 year old former student, because his wife is there.
That would be my solution. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (5 April 2010):
 A launch with a teacher is a very common thing.As long as they don't have too many launches together which would give rise to speculations.
We should not make assumptions about the teacher's intentions and view it through myopic eyes. For you do not know that teacher as well as the OP.Making general assumptions can be a mistake.
Definitely to judge a person in that way is unhealthy.Not every married guy is a sheep in wolves clothing's.
After all it was the OP who invited him to launch and not the other way round. How would you expect him to response?
A simple and innocent launch has turned into a complicated affair.
Why life cannot be simpler?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2010): well as a 40 something year old wife, i would say don't go unless you are sure it is innocent, and his wife is aware. even better that she is along for lunch. my gut feeling is that he is hoping for more than meets the eye. he knows that until now the very whisper of impropriety could have cost him his job, but that is changing now isn't it. if he really is innocent then he should have you over to supper one night with his family....or some equally public event. anything else gets a big no vote from me. im not suspicious of every relationship, and im not the jealous type at all, but i think there are just some things you dont do. and a forty year old man meeting an 18 year old girl alone for a meal is one of them. sorry, and good luck sweetie, mal
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2010): i think u should ask him what he meant by hooked up. but even then i get a feeling he would lie cos he will think u got pissed and will take it to higher authorities.
i think you may have sent him wrong signals.. you asking him out for lunch... puts the blame squarely on you.. if he does something wrong you'll be the one to be blamed..
just look at what it looks like to me...
an 18 year old girl, asking a 40 yr old married guy with two kids, out for lunch just at the end of high school (when she -as caring guy said- becomes legally available for sex). do u get what i'm saying? looks like your making a move on him.. to make matters worse .. he said " he was sorry you haven't hooked up yet" in a text and you didn't even question him about it..
i don't know what your reasons are but im telling you what it looks like when you break it apart... and as far as the guy is concerned i think he's thinking something else..
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (4 April 2010):
It's interesting that the two female responses say it seems to be okay, while the one male response says don't do it. And as another male, I agree with weparly's response. Something is really wrong that a married man in his 40's with kids wants to have 'one last meeting over a drink' with a student who is about to graduate and thus become available legally for sex. Really, I can see what his intentions are, and I think you are walking into a trap. I'm sure if his wife knew she'd be quite angry. And even if it is innocent, you'll look bad if she finds out and it gets around. Think of your reputation here, and thin of your own future. This man is a teacher, and that's it. Don't be the instrument of a mess for his marriage. Because if something did ever happen, or his wife ever thought something happened, you will be the one who comes out worse.
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A
male
reader, weparley +, writes (4 April 2010):
I disagree with the others. I honestly think his intentions are different than you think. This will not be the last time you'll see him,..."and you know that" Your story sounds so sugar coated. You make it seem like he's a saint in which I'm sure you will see the dark truth really soon. A man 40 years old married w/ 2 kids gives a 18-20 year old his cell number and you say "oh we just hit it off" sounds like TOTAL BS to me. Does his wife know you two are going to lunch????? "I highly doubt it sister" Stop fronting off like it's okay... "No it's not okay"
Let his wife see what she thinks when you too do lunch
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A
female
reader, volume10 +, writes (4 April 2010):
By 'hook-up' he probably meant meet up, because that's what it used to mean... in the good old days ;) It's cool if it's just a meet-up with your teacher, but make sure you do it in a public place like a park or a restaurant to keep your parents and everyone happy. You could let them meet him just so he can prove that he has no other interest in you except as a friend.
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A
female
reader, ChristineAvril +, writes (4 April 2010):
 Honestly, it sounds fine to me. You have already explained that it's a "last meeting", so he has no future plans for the two of you, just a friendly goodbye.
If anything were going to happen it would have done by now, in good time before you graduate.
Just meet in a public place for your own comfort and safety and, as usual, let someone know where you will be.
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