A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:hello everyone and thank you for taking the time to read my question. sorry if it is lengthy. I met this girl through a mutual friend and started dating her. I am 29 years old now and I had not been in a serious relationship for about 10 years. my last relationship was a disaster because I think my ex cheated on me even though she never confessed to it, and I think that is why I had avoided a long term serious relationship for so long. Also, I had not met anybody that I had really clicked with. This girl seemed very simple and trustworthy to me. She was very calm and of course I was attracted to her physically too. We started dating and after 2 months I asked her to be my girlfriend. She accepted. after a while she told me that her ex boyfriend, that she had broken up with 6 months before she started dating me, is calling her. But since they had ended their relationship on good terms she did not want to be mean to him. She assured me that there was nothing more to it. so i trusted her and told her that it's OK. 4 months into the relationship she started to change a little bit. she was a little cold towards me. I asked her a few times what the reason was and she said nothing. finally she told me that her ex wants to get back with her and she is confused because she had started to have feelings for me. she asked me for a little bit of time to think about it and honestly that enraged me. I told her that I can't do that. so the next day she texted me saying that now she knows that she wants to be with me and she doesn't wanna lose me. I resisted at first but I decided to go back after a day. After this I told her how I felt and that I cared about her. everything was good until one day I made a very stupid comment about marriage and she was very offended by it. I admit that it was very offensive. This girl is not from my race and I told her that I think it is better for kids to have parents who are from the same culture. I immediately followed it by I know I might be wrong about this so let's talk about it. But oh God was she upset. And she had every right to be. Later on I found out through our mutual friend that she thought I meant that I wanna marry a girl from my own race one day. anyways a week after I made this stupid comment she broke up with me. she said that she thought about my comment and couldn't get over it. I explained to her what I had actually meant but she didn't seem to care. i asked her if her ex had anything to do with it and she denied it. But she admitted that she talked to him on and off even after the first time she told me about him. She said that she didn't want to be with anybody in her life at this point. So I left. Then she started calling our mutual friend after 2 days telling her that she had finally closed the book with her ex and that he was completely out of her life. She told her that she missed me a lot. and that she thinks that I didn't deserve the way she treated me and that she was sorry about her decision. after 10 days she asked me for time to talk and we did. She told me that for 2 years that she had been with her ex he never told her the things she wanted to hear from him, for example that he loved her and now he told her those things and that confused her. Obviously I konw that the guy was just jealous that she was with me and happy, thanks to facebook, and didn't mean any of those things. She said that he told her that she was the love of his life and things like that. She also said that the first time she told me she had chosen me and wanted to be with me and not him she had basically bought herslef the time she asked me for and I didn't give her. So now my question is that I don't know if I should give us another chance or not? She says that she wants to earn my trust again. I am not sure if she cheated on me or not and that reminds me of my last relationship. I wish I could find out. I love her and care about her and can put myself in her shoes as far as her confusion with the ex. but I do understand that my feelings are not enough. I am not sure if my feelings have clouded my judgment or not? Please help. Thank you.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, PatientlyWaiting1 +, writes (6 February 2011):
Tell her that her being back and fourth with the relationship is making you not trust her. That if you do decide to take her back, if she ever leaves again she needs to stay gone because you will not put yourself through this again. You still need time to think but you two can work on things but move slowly. This will make her appreciate you more. She will then treat you with the respect you deserve. The pattern is that she leaves you then after a couple of days realize she still loves you then come back. I did this to my ex so many times I can't even count until he left me. I have since learned my lesson and will not leave him again. He told me if I left again he won't take me back. Being without him made me realize I don't ever want to be without him again. I felt that fear and heartbreak and honestly that is what I needed.
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