A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I received a text message from my ex boyfriend this morning saying that his dad passed away last Thursday. I hadn't heard from him for two months before that and haven't seen him for three months. We broke up ten months ago . Strangely enough, I have been thinking about him recently and had thought about going to see him at the local pub that he usually goes in soon as it's nearly Christmas. Should I still go there?. It's a public place so I am allowed to go there, but I'm not sure if he would like me to go and see him or not. Why do you think he contacted me about it?. Is it because he still thinks about me?. I never met his dad, but I heard a lot about him as my ex lived with him.and was his carer. Should I go and take a condolence card to him?. I'm not sure whether to ask him if he wants me to take it, or just go there. I don't need to stay there too long of he doesn't want me to. What kind of message should I write in the card and what should I say to him?.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (21 December 2017):
 I don't understand this situation at all. I don't get how you could be with someone and have never met there father when they live in the same house. Also you left him for your ex so I don't think now is the right time to be trying to get him back. You hurt him. You broke his trust. His Dad has just died and you are giving out to him for giving you false hope by texting you. He wrote to say his father died, he did not confess undying love, give the poor man a break! Something seems strange about the relationship you both had so maybe it is for the best you are no longer together any more. Stop popping up to visit him and just accept he cannot forgive you and move on.
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (20 December 2017):
 I agree with the others, complete garbage.
Not allowed GFs in the house? How old is this guy? 12 years old??
I think he's used this situation to contact you in hopes of starting something back up, what it is I don't know. Maybe the other posters have it on the head that he's looking for something casual, but there was really no reason for him to contact you about this happening, especially considering you've never even met his father.
Why would you even be thinking about texting him? The relationship is OVER! Who cares whether he speaks to you or not? He is part of your past and for good reason, MOVE FORWARDS! Forget about what he is trying to do and wondering why he is contacting you, block him and move on, his communication was absolutely pointless.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 December 2017):
 Uhm. I confess I am skeptical. If someone is not available to re-start a relationship, that does not mean he would not be available for a casual hook up just in case... Just saying.
And his " strict " dad ? Aw please. The " strictness " would make sense for sleep-overs; surely not for being introduced to you and shaking politely your hand, or for having you over for a quick tea or coffe during all the time you were dating his son ! If the poor old gentleman was so " strict " that he could not bring humself to meet a friend of his son just because said friend is a female, then he was not strict, he was downright anti-social, and quite bizarre.
It sounds to me more as if this guy was and IS content to keep you on the fringes of his life, and keep you available for whenever HE sees fit . Maybe this time he does not want sex or romance from you, just comfort or attention- it's still all about him. To the point you wonder , should I go to the pub he patronizes too- will he mind, will he be happy, will he be upset, how long can I stay .....
Don't you see how absurd this is , OP?
It's a public place- and he is an EX for Pete's sake ! Whatever he feels about your presence there should be irrelevant. Btw, remember that exes are exes for a reason, and apparently, even before you ended up with the other dude, this thing was not working at all, - so you should be HAPPY that he does not want to reconnect, maybe now you have a chance to work on your latest relationship ., or to seek for another one which can make you happier ( and which possibly is not carried on within the 4 walls of a drinking establishment and does not consist only of pub dates ... ) .
Why do you want to tell him your feelings and muddle things even more ?! It's over. He does not want you back, and you should NOT consider going back to him. You can't force him to " stay friends " , and if he has decided he does not wnat to stay friends, he will keep ignoring you when you go to his pub, whether you beg him to not ignore you, or you keep your mouth shut. Have some pride and do not go begging for his attention- which, even when you had it, obviously did not bring anything majorly positive into your life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2017): I meant to say my ex told me that we wouldn't get back together.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2017): Wiseowl, you got it wrong. I gave him the card yesterday and he was grateful and said he was being polite accepting it . We had a good chat at first, but then his friend told me that he had said that He had missed me and that his dad was strict and wouldn't let girlfriends in the house and he was old fashioned. He told me that we would never get back together as it broke his heart when I left him for my other ex. His friend told him to sort things out with me but he said no in an angry tone of voice. I told him that he should have been more careful about contacting me as it had confused me. I know yesterday wasn't the right time to discuss it, which I wouldn't have if his friend hadn't said that, but I am wondering whether to tell him how I feel in a text and say that I hope he won't ignore me if I go back again sometime.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2017): If there is no mother in the picture, you don't need to send a card or flowers. You can show-up at the wake, pay your respects and leave. Offer your condolences to family-members. Then your moral obligation has been fulfilled. No meetings with your ex. You never even met his father. That should tell you something. All the while he was his father's caretaker; but not once were you introduced. Why would you meet him at a pub? To get tanked and end-up on your back! No way!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2017): This is exactly what happens before a post-breakup hookup!
Send his mother flowers and a sympathy card; then give HER a call. It's too soon to be meeting each other. He'll use your sympathy, and you'll prey on his vulnerability. You're looking for an opening. Quickest way I know to getting your heart broken a second time over. Using tragedy to get together. Pity-sex is all he wants out of this.
As soon as you have sex, suddenly all the grief overtakes him. He decides to become distant; and you get pushed aside.
No, this is an inappropriate time to see if you can spark a reconciliation; because the feelings are rebound. You are still undergoing the detachment-process; and you will set yourself back ten months. Emotionally, you will have to start from scratch. It's not sympathy you're feeling, it's your hormones. I'm going to be frank about it!
You can pay your respects at the wake and give your condolences to the whole family. Not just your boyfriend. He's not the only one who lost his father.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2017): Apparently, his dad was very strict and old fashioned and wouldn't allow girlfriends in the house. We also couldn't spend much time together back then. I took the card in person today. He was grateful for it, but it didn't go well.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2017): Sure exes are exes for a reason. But it may not be a reason which is right or permanent.
So you broke up partially because he was spending a lot of time being his dad's carer. But he was also spending a lot of the time in the pub and was stubborn and ignored you for a long after arguing.
If you took out his being a carer, would this relationship have worked or are there still too many issues to work around? Personally I'd be cautious of forming a relationship with someone that spends every afternoon in the pub. Is he an alcoholic?
Because he is vulnerable and looking for someone to support him I'd be wary of meeting up with him/getting close to him again unless you're sure that you do want to get back with him. He's just lost his dad, he's in no state to deal with losing you again for a second time.
I also have to ask, is there any chance that he still resents you for leaving him for caring for his dad when he needed him? -It seems curious that he's only got in touch to tell you of his dad's pasing when his dad's place in his life was partially cause for you're break up?
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (19 December 2017):
 It's certainly a strange relationship with the Ex in that you did not met his Dad face to face after a year and a half? Even so, his Dad was no stranger to you, so the Ex who is in bereavement has simply contacted you to let you know of his Dads passing.
I don't think it'll do you good to read too much into the fact he text you this sad news. This is not an invitation or an opportunity to go rekindle an old flame that evidently was soured by you eventually snogging someone you both knew who used to work in the pub that he goes in! This would be in utter poor taste if you let your fantasies (hopes) run wild; especially when it’s always going to remain sour grapes to your EX because you left him for this other guy.
Simply post him (the Ex) a sympathy card with sentiments of how you enjoyed the conversations you had with his Dad... perhaps add how his Dad was funny or how he taught you something, how you felt about his Dad be it positive.
When it comes to your present day on off again BF, I think it rather ridiculous for anyone to be tied up in knots about saying something so simple as, hey I just got a text from ( ), his Dad passed away last Thursday.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (19 December 2017):
Why do you have to go and see in person ? A condolence card delivered by mail will be more than adequate .
Exes are exes for a reason, in general, and this rings very true in your case. It sounds like your relationship with this man was frustrating and unfulfilling.
That unluckily your current relationship is not going too well either, does not mean that it would be a good idea to reconnect with an old lover who treated you wrong. There aren't just these two men in the world. If neither makes you happy, pick a third one. Or ,actually, stay single for the time being. Singletude is not a fate worse than death, to be escaped at all costs.
Plus, pardon my bluntness, personally I think it's a bit tacky to take advantage of a bereavement in his family as a chance to rekindle a love story . If you think that you have to send your condolences out of politeness and normal human compassion, by all means do- but please resist the temptation to use this as a chance to put your feet through the door and work your way back- it's just not proper .
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (19 December 2017):
I don't think either of these men are for you.
Distance yourself from both, end your current relationship as it sounds like you're getting no satisfaction whatsoever. Even if you still have feelings for him, the relationship didn't sound good and there is really no point in moving backwards.
You may wonder about him and he also may think about you, but if it was supposed to work out for you guys then you wouldn't of broken up in the first place.
It's up to you whether you reply, but don't get sucked back into conversation, keep it polite and brief.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2017): It's strange really because I had thought of going to see him soon anyway before I heard from him. I had been wondering how he was and thought about him as it's almost Christmas. I feel like I still have feelings for him, but I'm not sure if we should get back together. He's lovely but also very stubborn. We broke up because he didn't have much time to see me because of looking after his dad, and he is set in his ways as he has always had a routine of going in the pub in the afternoons and then going home to look after his dad. And when we had arguments, he would ignore me for quite a long time. He is a lot older than I am, but I didn't mind about the age difference. We were together for a year and a half. I didn't actually meet his dad but I had spoken to him a bit on the phone. We also broke up because I ended up in a relationship with someone that we both knew who used to work in the pub that he goes in. I have been on and off in that relationship until recently. At the moment, things aren't working out well with us. I havent told him about my ex contacting me yet. I am trying to think how to tell him. A few months ago, I saw my ex a couple of times and he said he wanted to be friends, but he got upset with me over the man that I left him for so I haven't seen him since. I think the man I have been seeing has been wanting to end the relationship for a while.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (18 December 2017):
 I think, as has been suggested, that an email or a condolence card is sufficient. I wouldn't volunteer to go and see him or plan any 'random/accidental' encounters.
He may still harbour feelings for you, but it's just as likely that you were in his life long enough for it to be acceptable to give you that update. I wouldn't read more into it based on what I've read.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (18 December 2017):
Well that depends.
Do you want to see him? Are you hoping to achieve something from seeing him? Are old feelings going to be brought up? It is actually going to be a good idea?
Honestly, you're broken up. He wants someone to lean on through this tough time and he's chosen you. Why? Does he not have friends he can speak to? It seems he is thinking about you also, but what is this whole situation going to come to?
I don't see anything wrong with a quick text back to say sorry for your loss. I really don't see a need to go and meet with him. You don't owe anything to each other and you are exes for a reason. I know he's going through a bad spell, but why bring you into it? You're not together anymore, he's in your past.
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