A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am a mid-20's non-religious virgin. There is no such thing as a romantic history for me, unless you count two short-term relationships. Both had ceased due to intimidation towards my career. STEM-related. No, I have never been in love. I really dreaded dating. There are the good guys who seem too odd to me. Being too nice and caring (I don't know if it's all bullshit). Don't get me started on physical affection. I'll admit, I am independent. Maybe it's because I'm black that there trying to make me feel more wanted. Some of these men that I know of from prior meetings. I get that everyone has a past. I know about some of their dating histories and I question myself, "why date me now"? I just feel like I am second choice. Five months ago, I have made an acquaintance with an older man (42 but looks 27). He moved to the area for a temporary work assignment. Without his wife and kids. I'm sure that they keep in contact on a daily basis. About a week ago, both of us were at mutual friends gathering. Laughing, acting a fool, having a good time. A few hours later, the older man and I had conversations. Everything, was going so good until... he kissed me. I can't lie that it felt amazing. Of course, HE'S MARRIED! I had excused myself, left the party and went straight home. The next day, he met up with me. He apologized and that he never felt more attracted to someone of my ethnicity (he's white). "Had opportunities but missed them". There is more sexual chemistry that I had even imagine with this man, which bring me to this question. Knowing what the consequences would bring as well as the use of contraceptives, should I just give up my virginity to this man? He asked to me to be his FWB for the rest of his work assignment period. He also said that if I am a virgin, that it is ok, he has never been with one since his first girlfriend in high school. I know that a lot of people are going to get hurt, especially his wife.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOP Here. Thank you everyone for your answers so far. I'm just frazzled that an older man would want me. No, excuse me use me.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2015): Life has a habit of coming back and biting you on the arse - when playing with fire as you are here, be careful...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2015): Why would you wait so long only to lose your virginity to a cheating man (worst case scenario, FWB). I am not going to give you options here. Do not do it. I am equally black and would not for once let the colour of my skin or my achievements or success be a determining factor as to who I date. Is this how you want to remember your first sexual encounter and what do you think would happen next if you go ahead with this. He's going to leave you and it's not going to be pretty. you're going to be hurting more than you can ever imagine. You are a strong woman(you might think you'd get over it easily, no you wont). Been there, done that. Please, do not set a terrible beginning for your sex life like this. No matter how strong, women will always be emotional. Have you thought about you getting attached to him and he wants you for a stipulated period of time. What about you? how long do you want him? Are you okay with his time frame? Please let your first sexual encounter not be from a married man. Goodluck
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (22 August 2015):
 So he gets sex for the rest of his work assignment period. What do you get out of it? He goes back to his wife after its all done while you'll be alone, hurting from being used no matter how rational you try to be and even more cynical than you are now.
This man is completely disgusting OP. He's lying to you, lying to his wife, happily cheating on her and wanting sex from you (and possibly others) while being MARRIED! Not only is his wife going to get hurt, you are going to, as well.
You seem to have low self esteem. Why do you think that you're a "second choice" for men who want to date you? You don't even want to give the good guys out there a chance but just because this much older man gave you some attention, you're ready to take it up. Its like you want to sabotage your life and the only reason why you're considering sleeping with him is BECAUSE you know there's no future with him. I bet if he told you that he would leave his wife for you then you would doubt his feelings towards you thinking again that you're his second choice.
The truth is, you're scared of commitment, you have low self-esteem and you dont even want to give proper relationships a shot because in your head you've decided that any man who would seriously want to be with you is compromising in life. Nobody in your previous relationships was trying to make you feel wanted because you were black...they were trying to make you feel wanted because they wanted to do so, because you were worth it. Your skin color isn't a factor in anyone's head except yours. If it was a hindrance, why would the previous guys even date you? Trust me, they dated you because they wanted to, because they thought you were desirable and attractive and they were good to you because they wanted you to feel special.
Look OP, virginity is overrated. That being said, don't lose it to this terrible cheat of a man, of all people. There are plenty of decent guys out there who would love to date you the honorable way, without sneaking on their wives and girlfriends and without disrespecting you by suggesting the unthinkable, an FWB situation that lasts as long as the work assignment. God! Talk about brazen audacity!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2015): ' He apologized and that he never felt more attracted to someone of my ethnicity (he's white). "Had opportunities but missed them".'Good grief, is that supposed to be a compliment?! I really hope you didn't take it as one because it is not. He's ticking off a fantasy on his bucket list with you, adding a notch to the bed post. I'm sure you're very proud if what you've achieved professionally and you hold yourself in high esteem since you haven't slept with any old Johnny. Good on you for that.Why stoop so low on this one?I'm a gorgeous black woman married to a dashing white man and I'll tell you something; what your guy said is not flattering. It made my skin crawl.You say you turned down the others because you don't want to be second choice? Well what are you to this man then?He says he never got to sleep with a virgin. If that was a necessity in GIS life why the heck did he marry his wife? Not that that's your concern but it speaks volumes about his character or lack thereof.And what exactly do you stand to gain from this? A guilty conscience, loss of self esteem, bad reputation all for a quick tumble in the hay for someone you don't even love? Is it worth it?I know you don't care about the wife. But the funny thing is that accomplices to affairs end up with trust issues. If you've helped someone cheat you'll have low levels of trust in your future relationships because you'll assume everyone else will act based on sexual desires and nothing else. It.really.isn't.worthit.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2015): Okay, maybe I am mis-reading your question, but have you kissed any other men lately?
My guess is it wouldn't be too hard for you to find a nice kisser who is also single...
Have you tried online dating? You might meet some good, smart men that way.
BTW I think the golden rule applies here. If you were married with kids, would you want your spouse cheating on you?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 August 2015):
 Why would you do this? Mostly to yourself? He is asking to USE you ask his "racial blow up doll" while he is away from his wife and family.
You are a fantasy to him, because he "missed the opportunity" to "collect" sex with "one of your ethnicity" - you are nothing but a piece of meat to him.
Yes, there might be sexual chemistry. Yes, you being a virgin is definitely a bonus for him. And extra notch you might say.
The man is a lecherous creep. And a cheat on top.
And you... are selling yourself short. Being a white man's dirty secret is not really an achievement, nor is being his "fwb" mistress.
HAVE some respect for yourself. Consider your culpability in this (If you go through with it) yes, you don't owe his wife squat... but I would hope to think you OWE yourself more.
A married guy, a guy with a gf, fiancee should be OFF limits. THEY can't give you squat emotionally and only whatever little leftovers THEY deem you can have.
You are posting this question because you know it's not a smart move. Not emotionally, morally or any other way.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2015): You asked whether you should do this ... I would ask what you want to do? What does your gut tell you? Is it saying go for it or is it saying run for the hills. Only you know whether this is something you want and also whether it is something you are willing to do.
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