A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am 36 and met a guy a couple of years ago who is 4 years younger than me. I have been married before and it was the kind of marriage whereby I gave my all and my husband wanted no responsibility - consequently I put a lot of my own life 'on hold' to support his goals. When that marriage ended I had around 6 months on my own before I met my new boyfriend and looking back I don't think that was enough time but you don't plan to fall in love and what started out as casual became intense quickly. Now I am in the situation where I have finally begun to work out what I want to do with my career (i.e. completely change it) and have started to consider a business of my own. I have had this big transition because over the last 12 months my boyfriend has worked abroad a lot and so I have gained space again. In addition I have spent a lot of time working out new hobbies ideas yet my confidence in my appearance still needs working on (self-esteem severely knocked down during controlling marriage). The thing is I have had all these ideas now but my boyfriend has been offered a permanent role in the US and wants to take it. He is really excited and wants me to be with him saying it will be an adventure. I love his enthusiasm but I am feeling as though the same pattern in my life may repeat with me following / supporting / serving and yet not following my own goals. I am not sure whether I will be able to do any of the things I had set me heart on and despite saying this to him its like he does not want to hear it and has suggested I go to a college in the US and re-train. I am beginning to feel patronised and slightly 'controlled'. If I stay put in the UK it will only be a matter of time before our relationship crumbles as it has already been a strain being apart for the last year. I don't know what to do whether to just try this living abroad with him and put my ideas on hold or to let him go. He definitely wants to take the job and says he does not like being in the UK anyway. I don't think he would come back in the near future if he did go. Should I give things up just for him? I will feel compromised either way.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2008): Nobody can tell you what to do BUT I do suggest you have to think about YOURSELF FIRST; If you do things to keep him happy you might regret it later and become miserable; it might have a negative effect on your relationship;
I do believe you need to do what is best for YOU; if you stay and continue with your career and or business; yes the relationship might not survive BUT you might be happy in what you are doing and I am sure you will meet somebody else that will love and support you.
He is doing what is best for him; he does not seem to take you and your feelings in consideration;
I think you should draw up a list of all the positives of leaving with him, as well as the negatives; then do the same should you stay;
Ask your self the question: How and where do you see yourself in 5 years; what do you want and how will you get there?
REMEMBER: Any relationship has a risk; even if you go with him it might not work and then?
I think you need to decide what you want and look after your OWN NEEDS FIRST.
Be strong; best wishes and keep SMILING.
A
female
reader, lola80  +, writes (12 August 2008):
HI
I think you have pretty muched answered your own question , I don't think your relationship is strong enough for you move abroad and give up your dreams of opening your own buisness and leaving your friends and family behind , Its great he wants to follow his dreams but what about your's ? Where do you come into all this ? you were in a controlling and im sure emotionally crippling relationship for long enough and might of met this man during a rebound and still have issue's you need to sort out for yourself before you commit to going to the USA and giving it all up for him , Maybe you could stay behind and wait for six months and if you decide he is the man for you then move over to be with him , Making a new life in a new country is hard even on the best relationships , and you need to be in good place mentally to do this and make it work . Hope this helps and it works out for you either way
God Bless
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A
male
reader, ask sweeney :) +, writes (12 August 2008):
 go with your heart and only give things up if you think he's worthit
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