A
female
age
51-59,
*airy Godmother
writes:Feeling confused after having sex with a colleague who I have been friends with for nearly 3 years. We never got together before, since both in long-term relationships but have always got on really well and there was chemistry.In brief, had wonderful afternoon of fantastic sex last week, followed by lots of cuddling and then chatting for hours. After we had sex he held me for ages, kissing my head and holding hands; it was beautiful. He went for drinks and then came back to bed and we lay next to each other holding each other and chatting. For me this was intimate, romantic and a bonding time.Hours later, after we'd sat in his garden talking, it was as though a curtain came down between us. He looked very confused and made lots of apologies, for what he seemed unable to work out or tell me. At that point we kissed and I left.A friend has suggested that there is definitely something he's not telling me, perhaps an involvement with someone else. Perhaps because I'm female, I can't make sense of why a man could be so loving but not want to take the relationship any further. Help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2008): Thanks for the feedback; I suggest if possible try and read Chapter 6 of the book Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus by John Gray; it really explains very well, why men periodically needs to "pull away" before getting closer. Understanding this process is very enlightening and does make it easier to deal with the male intimacy cycle.
Best wishes and lots of SMILES.
A
female
reader, Fairy Godmother +, writes (12 August 2008):
Fairy Godmother is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you everyone for your opinions and advice. I do need to slow down a bit, you're right.
I don't think it is a commitment phobia, since he's spoken to me in the past of his desire to settle down, get married and start a family. He's also been in long-term relationships.
My relationship of 9 years ended earlier this year, so I guess I'm missing that feeling of being part of a couple. It was really wonderful for me to feel so intimate with someone when it has been missing from my life for such a long time.
We are both back to work at school in September, so I won't contact him between now and then and will wait to see if there are fireworks or damp squibs in the staffroom!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2008): You mentioned that you have been friends for 3 years; so I think you got to know each other fairly well; however you were both in longterm relationships, which I pressume only ended recently; then you got togehter; you mentioned there was always "chemistry"; so I pressume things happened fast and you were both very comfortable with each other;
You are worried about what happened later and are concerned about him not committing; BUT are you not maybe a little to much in a rush;
I think you should give it some time; vow, you cannot expect a guy to commit after being togehter once; he might also still need a little time to adjust to the new "situation";
I don't think you should worry about him not being able to commit, you mentioned that he was in a longterm relationship;
Honestly I think you should just ease it a little; relax and enjoy each other;
Best wishes and keep SMILING.
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A
female
reader, duskyrowe +, writes (12 August 2008):
 I know why this man will not take the relationship any further..... It's because he has got what he wants and slept with you, cmon love you are a mature woman. Surely you must know that most men have their brains in their underpants by now.
Guys think with the contents of their underpants and not with their brains and no I am not a bra burning, pint swilling, man hating lesbian. I am actually in a relationship with a lovely guy and I made it clear to him that I am not into casual relationships right from the beginning. I am a 40 year old woman who likes to be courted properly or not at all.
Sorry to be harsh hun, but please before you sleep with any guy, make sure you date them for a good while first, men like a challenge and do not make it too easy for them next time, otherwise they just get bored and move on.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (12 August 2008):
 Hi there,
I cant figure it out either, but we see so many cases like this on DC. I think it is commitment phobia.
It seems that a lot of guys just cannot go for any sort of relationship without going into panic mode. Who knows why? But what your friends say may be right, he is more likely to be hiding something from you. In any event you should make him feel like crap, he has taken advantage of your friendship and is treating you like dirt, he could and should at the very least offer you some explanation.
But I would forget about this one, he is obviously a tormented soul who can't handle the big wide world of romantic involvement; its best to move on and find someone else.
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