A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I don't know why I keep blaming myself for this, but I do. I dated my on and off boyfriend ( he is now my ex) from October 2015 until January. During that time, I became friends with someone who worked in the pub that he went in. He was always there for me when my ex upset me. Last year, that man dated someone from June until around September or October. I liked this man at thst time, but I didn't say anything as I had a boyfriend. I wanted to though when things went wrong with him. I was very hurt and disappointed when I heard that he had a girlfriend. I found out last month that this man also had feelings for me the whole time that I was with my ex. He didn't say anything sooner because I was with my ex. I feel angry that neither of us said anything sooner as I wouldn't have gone through the horrible things that I went through with my ex, and he wouldn't have gone out with his ex. For some reason, I feel angry and jealous at his ex, and I don't even know her. He said that she sent him a friend request on Facebook and they were in touch for a month or so before they met up. I think he said that they were friends when they first met up for a while. It worries me that he went to her house straight away when they met up. They had known each other since they were kids. I'm not sure how well they knew each other though when they were kids. He said that she used him for money and that's why they split up. I can't understand why he went out with her when he liked me, unless it was because I was with my ex?. He said that he used to feel really hurt when he saw us together. That man and I have been dating for just over a month now as we told each other how we felt last month. I was happy at first, but now I don't know whether to be with him. I also can't understand why he kept in touch with her for a while after they broke up. He said that he has blocked her on his phone and Facebook now, but it still gets to me that they stayed in touch. He keeps telling me how she goes in this club that we like to go in sometimes too. We haven't seen her in there yet. I get sick of talking about exes to be honest. It also worries me that he has been in a few on and off relationships. I have too. I don't completely blame my exes for that. I know it is also my fault. It makes me wonder what kind of a person he is too, as I don't think it will just be his exes fault for it being on and off. I have anxiety, depression, and Asperger's Syndrome. I don't know if you know much about Asperger's Syndrome, but it makes me very jealous and confused by people. It's exhausting. I have been feeling very unwell lately mentally. I don't know how to cope with all of this. I feel like I hate my ex too, and wish that I had never gone near him.I feel disgusted with myself for having sex with him too. Everything is getting too much. I live alone and have a social worker who is trying to help me at the moment, but sometimes I feel that I shouldn't have the help. It was her first appointment with me a few days ago. I cried, and also shouted and swore at my mother who was there with us at the time. It's a long story about why I was angry at my mother. Some professionals have said that I should probably stay out of romantic relationships and focus on myself and my mental health. What do you think?.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2017): Your own anxious feeling may be distorting your responses and your reactions. OK you and this other man behave honourably, even though you felt drawn to each other at the time. Be proud of the fact that you chose to not cheat at the time.
Many many many people go on to dislike an ex. That is one of the reasons we break up with someone who becomes an ex. They are an ex for a reason. Mostly because they are not the right person for you, at the time.
But starting a new relationship is also very stressful. Someone may be the right person for you, eventually, but if you are distressed and upset for other reasons then they may not be the right person for you at this point in time.
Because health issues are distressing and draining. But with good support you can get stronger and be in a better frame of mind to enjoy a positive relationship with another person.
You DO DESERVE HELP. can you imagine saying that a car can never be driven again as it needs some maintenance? Once it has the maintenance it may be able to continue being driven for years to come - with just an occasional service by the car doctor. It is something the car needs. It gets attended to and then becomes a functioning car again.
Never deny yourself good medical and counselling support because you think you should not need it. If you need it then you need it and you do deserve it.
Your own mental health issues must be given the highest priority. Nothing else is as important as your own mental health. It is and always should be Priority number one. It takes precedence over any and every other issue.
Think of a car that had a non-functioning gas tank? It would not work the way it needs to work.
No matter what is happening in your life put your own health before what anyone else claims is important. Maybe other than making sure that you have water to drink. We all need that.
If you are already getting some counselling and you are still feeling unsettled then ask for another counsellor or ask for a change in the way the counselling is being conducted if it not fully meeting your needs.
But DO prioritize YOU as Number ONE in all this. Because you are important and you do deserve the best support you can access. It is a right that you are entitled to seek and will hopefully receive = good counselling and good medical support.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 March 2017):
 I think that the professionals advising you are perfectly right and you should follow their advice. You should focus on your mental issues , and on feeling healthier, better and happier before adding the investment of emotional energoes , and / or the stress, that a romantic relationship may involve.
Honestly, it does not sound like you can handle one right now, it 's bringing you insecurity, unhappiness and, well, mental confusion.
You do sound a bit confused in your thinking, OP, which baffles me because having Asperger's does not mean being incapable of logic or rational thought. In fact, often the problem is that an Aspie's logic is too stringent and does not make room for any flexibility, isn't it ?
I think that if only you could " manage " somehow, or reign in, your emotions, you would be giving yourself the answers to your questions.
For instance; why the new guy did not ask you out while you were with the previous guy ?... But, because you WERE with the previous guy !
Now, there are some men who would hit on of any woman they fancy, no matter how paired up she is, even engaged or married, but those are men who A ) do not behave honourably in general in their life and B ) do not mind getting a brisk, annoyed , or shocked reaction from the girl, and / or maybe a punch on their nose by the girl's partner. Most men do mind ( they mind acting like a jerk, and being rejected nastily and getting punched on their nose ).
You were taken, OP. He may have had feelings for you, but since you had not ended your relationship yet, he decided " no trespass ", same as a whole lot of men would do.
Why did he decide to stay in touch with his ex for a month or so ? That, I don't know, but... then why did you drag things on with your previous bf even while you were catching feelings for another man, and even when you felt sure that the relationship was not making you happy and was not going anywhere ?
... Because lots of people have trouble making a nice, clean, neat cut with the past and tend to get sort of stuck for a while. You did it, he did it too... and millions of other people did it. Relationships and breakups can get messy , one gets ambivalent feelings... and if this all only lasted a month , well, that sounds quite unexceptional to me.
Then we have the third question ; should I be worried that he was in a few on and off relationships... It depends. Maybe you should; but, then again, YOU have been in on and off relationships as well, are you also worried for the guys who happen to date you ?
You say that you realize that , in your case , it was not only " his " fault if it was on and off. You share the responsibility; you know it always takes two to tango. So, why could it not be exactly the same for your bf ? why should it be all his fault if his relationships were on and off ?
... Anyway, these are rhetoric questions, and rhetoric answers, just to say that it seems you are being sort of overwhelmed right now ( hopefully it's temporary ) and not able to think lucidly about stuff that I am sure you'd call self evident at other times.
I am sorry, Op, it seems to me that , as of now, you are biting more than you can chew adding this relationship, or any relationship, to all the issues you are dealing with already.
First thing first. Listen to your counselors, take care of your health, you'll " do " romance as soon as you'll be better ( hopefully very soon . Good luck ! )
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