A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am at my wits end with my boyfriend at the moment. We have been together for just over a year and we get on well. We have met each other's family but he has problems with my side. He didn't greet my Mum when he came round until I told him to do so. I felt disrespected and particularly disliked the lecture my Mum gave me after he visits. This has gone on since we became an item, and only improved slightly recently when I told him he was making it awkward for us all. When I meet his Dad, I am pleasant and polite which makes him fond of me. Last night, when I spoke to him about it again, he said his introvert character is developped from his rough childhood, and the fact he was brought up to stay quiet when he was bullied. He said he is willing to change (because I am the first person who has a strong importance to him) but will take a long time. I feel valued, but because he has done it so many times before, I am apprehensive about it. I have been bullied in my past too but haven't let that affect me much now. This issue, coupled with the way he pays attention to me when I am upset, has made my feelings for him less strong. Shall I give him a chance and help improve himself or leave him as a 'lost cause'? Is bullying during his childhood a reason or excuse? I am really confused. Please help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2012): I say yes give him a chance, but no do not "help" him do what he is supposed to do unless he specifically asks for your help.
Bullying comes in many different forms and severities. It can range from mild annoyance that builds character, to devastating emotional trauma and PTSD. Just because your bullying experience didn't affect you that much, doesn't say anything about how his affected him.
you also need to be specific about what you want from him. He can learn new social skills and behaviors, but he cannot change his personality.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 April 2012):
 It may perhaps be a reason, but surely not an excuse . Meaning that his upringing might explain his behaviour , but not justify it. What introversion has got to do with simple basic manners ? And why should it take such a long time to learn " Good evening, Mrs. X, how are you today " ? Monkey see monkey do. As long as he is not living with a pack of wolves, all he has got to do is to copy what regular people do normally every day, he can copy from you when you greet his dad.
It's half amusing half irritating how people has learned to go all Freudian and is so quick to evoke " childhood traumas " as the reason they pick their noses, or fart in public.
Tell him to shape up or ship out. And if he wants to shape up, it does not take years of therapy and soul searching, he can do it starting from today.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (18 April 2012):
 Your boyfriend may have had a rough start in life, but so have many of us. He was born and raised on the same planet as the rest of us and he's had access to the same resources; therapists, self help groups, books, online articles and the like, many of which are available for free or at very little cost. All he had to do was reach out, but he couldn't be bothered.
And even if he is sincere are you supposed to wait about with your life and your dreams on hold while he progresses at a snail's pace? That's the risk of loafing about. Do it long enough and you get left behind. Your boyfriend chose to take that chance.
If he is that serious about making improvements he'll do it whether you're in his life or not. I suggest you not wait for him and move on and pursue your own ambitions. If you cross paths after a year or so and he's made extraordinary progress (and nothing less) THEN consider reconciling.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (18 April 2012):
 An introvert is not going to "poof" becomes a delightful extrovert because his GF wants that.
I think you are having unrealistic view of how he SHOULD change to make you, and your family happy.
Not everyone have social grace nor manners. I think your man is shy, which is not really uncommon for someone who grew up being bullied.
The thing is, why date a guy that you have to "fix" in order for him to work out for you? Why not find someone who is better suited for you?
I can tell you this, you can not CHANGE another person to suit your taste, however you can inspire and support other.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (18 April 2012):
 I'll assume that your boyfriend is in the same age category as you (26-29). If so, then where have his manners and social graces been for all this time? How is it that he has been able to avoid developing some manners? (Let's face it; manners is all that's required to "know" that a young man should politely greet her when he encounters his girlfriend's Mother.).If you really like this guy, and think that you and he may have a "salvageable" relationship (that salvage job being based on him developing some social/politeness skills), then give him a chance.... BUT NOT TOO LONG OF A CHANCE!!!!DON'T nag him or coach him during his learning time. It's HIS learning to do..... IF, after, say, 3 months, you see some improvement, then sign up to give him more time. IF, after 3 months, you see no indication that he is "working on" this aspect of his self.... then re-consider if he really meant it that he would "improve"... and re-consider dumping him and moving on....Good luck....
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