A
male
age
51-59,
*iggG
writes:A few months ago I asked for advice about me and my wife having a 3some with my best friend.The opinion was that it was a no no,so me and my wife shelved it and decided that if we do try it we will book a hotel and a pro male escort to 'test the water'.We are going away for a long weekend with my best friend and his wife(also my wifes best friend). We were talkin in bed about the weekend,and my wife said that if they were like minded and it happened,same room play would be fun(she said no touching/swapping swapping unless SHE was totally at ease with things,think its the voyeuristic thing that's the turn on).We have been married 26 years and have a strong,loving,honest relationship and a great sex life,we would just like to maybe expand our horizons. A few questions/concerns1-if our friends are likeminded,is the same room thing an option?2-a )My friend often asks about our sex life and asked me if me and my wife had ever tried a mfm 3some.Also,when him and his wife left ours last wednesday,he made a joke about having sex with my wife in our kitchen.This seemed strange as my wifes no1 fantasy is not only a 3some with me and my friend,but also starts with me and my friend seducing,stripping and playing with my wife in our kitchen and then taking it in turns to pleasure her while she performs oral. My wife said she thought it weird him mentioning it as I've said nothing about her fantasy to anyone. Should I be conerned? Does my friend have a sixth sense? Or has my wife told her friend about her fantasy?b-we were at our friends for dinner the other week and my wife(who is big breasted)wore a low cut top and spent some of the night leaning over the kitchen worktop showing off her assets to my friend. During sex that night,I asked my wife about this,she said she wanted to catch my friends eye and turn me on(she succeeded).Again,should it be a concern or is my wife just doing a great job of 'cranking' me up?Thanks,G.
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male
reader, BiggG +, writes (28 April 2012):
BiggG is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your opinions,some are spot on,some way out. I know my wife better than she does,she cannot hide anything,even our kids make fun of her being a crap liar. If she has done the deed,so be it,rather that than her shagging a stranger,theres no way my wife/friend would leave their marriages,this would just be extra curricular fucking and that I can handle. I encouraged her to be open and experimental,so maybe my chickens r roosting! Someone said they've turned me into a cuckold,I think I already was a cuck as what has always driven this for me is watching my wife [aroused--actual details deleted by mod as too pornographic]. That said,we accept my pal is prob too close.I again asked her about her n my friend already playing,she reiterated they hadnt.it was lustful fantasy as she wouldn't hurt her friend/our friendship. She freely admits she finds my friend sexually attractive,she feels guilty/confused about these feelings.Apart from innuendo from my friend and me and wifey enjoying the 3some roleplay,there just isn't any evidence to prove they are playing,believe me I've looked . Iam seeing my friend at a stag do tonight where drink will be had,tongues will be loosened. Hence an ideal opportunity to 'grill' him,I don't want it confrontational,so any ideas how to broach the subject??Me and my wife will probably try the mfm at some point,but we will go away to a hotel,book a pro male escort who does massage and then take it as far as we BOTH feel comfortable with,if either of us are unsure it will go no further than her massage and we scrap the idea. Ultimately,neither of us wanna screw up a 26 year marriage.Once again thanks , biggG.
A
female
reader, Thisiscrazy  +, writes (22 April 2012):
 I was in a 5 year relationship with a younger man 6 years younger. Now from word go we both told each other we were into the whole swing thing difference was he had done it many times before with his ex as for me I had not but was very open to it. Now for this to work you both need to sit down and have your very own set rules .. Your rules are to be followed by you both no matter what. Eg. If you play you only play as a couple never alone. Or you both are involved in finding play partners..for me I think it's better to not do this with best friends because there are already so many feelings there between you 4 and to add swing to the mix will certinaly mess with them..Now my first time swinging was terrible but only due to these reasons1. We ended up with a couple my ex had played with before with his ex 2 My ex was all over the other woman he never spoke to me looked at me or touched meI think it's really important to make your partner know that they are number one and the other or others involved are just a bit of naughty fun someone to play withYou both may feel you are ready for this and can handle it but be warned the next day some tiny little thing that you might of seen or noticed your partner doing will niggle at you if this happens talk about don't get angry talk as you will soon work out what your full rules will be and limits.. Trust is so important and from what I have read it seems your wife is very ready for this but you I don't think are due to your questions on "should I be concerned" I hope this helps
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2012): Hey since your wife has done such a good job hoodwinking you, you will not get her to admit to anything. Look Bigg, im assuming you have been totally faithful for the 26 years of your marriage: i beg to differ with your wife though! Since she has denied any "wrongdoing" with your best friend already, do you really think that she is going to come clean.You may think we are all negative however look at the facts. Yes i said Facts: you seem to have been groomed by your wife to include your best friend in your bed. Yes you want to add excitement to your marriage but her having sex with your best friend?? Too close for comfort.I think you have a level of unease and you know this. Things do not add up. Your wife may have been a "shy wife" at one stage but not anymore. Look do what you want to and thats that. BUT allowing your wife and best friend to have sex? Hell No!!!LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (21 April 2012):
 FORGIVE HER? for swinging? if you think forgiveness comes into play you have no clue what swinging is about...
AND if your WIFE said NO there is nothing you can do...
Swinging will NOT save a marriage.
Swinging will ruin a rocky relationship
the only swingers i know that have great long term marriages (over 20 years)
a. went into swinging very early in the relationship
b. are both very committed to the relationship as swingers (i.e. no one was FORCED or coerced or did it to make the other partner happy)
c. neither are jealous of the others
IF you think that pushing her into swinging will save your marriage you are wrong....
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A
male
reader, BiggG +, writes (21 April 2012):
BiggG is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice,but an awful lot seems critical rather than constructive. As a couple we are niaive as far as this lifestyle is concerned as we've been out of the game for 30 years,we are not bad people,my wife is a great mum/wife/lover and beautiful and wouldn't want to jeopardise that in any way. I genuinely don't think anything has happened re her and my friend and there is no evidence to confirm it has. I have asked my wife and to try and get it out of her I have said I wouldn't mind and would forgive her,she vehemently denies it has. So PLEASE,ARE THERE ANY OTHER WAYS I COULD GET IT OUT OF HER OTHER THAN FOOLING HER INTO THINKING IT'S OK?????I put capitals as my no1 concern is no longer pushing the boundaries,but ensuring my marriage doesn't go to hell in a handcart.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 April 2012):
As a former swinger I can assure you that the fantasy is much hotter than the reality.
I left a swinger marriage for the man I am with now... we choose to be monogamous because I know that swinging is not all it's cracked up to be and we were very close to our swinger friends... not swinging with strangers... but rather folks that knew our kids and we were social with on a daily basis.
I still think it's a bad idea....
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A
male
reader, BiggG +, writes (20 April 2012):
BiggG is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLet me confirm,as far as iam aware,neither me or my wife have mentioned the threesome to my friend,iam sure he is completely unaware about wot we do behind closed doors. I have always encouraged to be sexually confident as she was once shy. Now she has come out of her shell,our already great sex life has got even better. Our roleplay started as me her and a male celebrity(her Dildo)and she loves it,I asked her it there were any friends of ours she would to simulate a threesome with,it was then she told me that she was sexually attracted to my friend,again I encouraged her with this fantasy and our sex life went into the stratosphere. I suppose we are more adventurerous as our kids are at the age where we can go out and do what we want,we are like we were when we first met and its exciting. As far as the 3some,swapping,voyuerism thing is concerned,we are maybe naive as we've been an item for so long we don't see any potential pitfalls. Times have changed since we met and this lifestyle seems very inviting to us old farts.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2012): Bigg since you have obviously chosen to ignore the signs there is nothing more to add. All your excuses as to why your wife will be/is unable to have an affair is just plain naive.
Look, each to his/her own. If the swinging lifestyle is what you want and if you can handle seeing your wife naked with your friend having sex with her in all positions, then thats that. You have ignore everyones advice that mixing sex and friendship is a recipe for disaster. I think that you are no clue as to the pandoras box you are about to open.
You wife is neither naive not innocent. Instead of worrying about your friends behaviour the real culprit is right in your home. So he had an affair 10 years ago: seems like he is having one currently right under your nose. If you choose to have an open marriage well its your decision. Especially since you have chosen to ignore all the warnings about your friend and your wife.
When something/someone seems too good to be true, it/they usually are.
LoveGirl
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2012): OP I think you may be reading far too much into this whole situation. You do know the boning a wife in the kitchen is a very common sexual fantasy and he's probably just said it out loud.
I mean think of it this way, how often has he sat in your kitchen and seen your wife cooking or grabbing beers etc.? How many times has seen her in there doing things in skirts, low cut tops and stuff? The kitchen is pretty much the only room in the house where visitors will get to see your wife bending over, reaching up to get things it's just one of those things that will stay in the memory and frankly spontaneous kitchen sex is great as you well know.
OP your mistake was bringing friends up and including them in you and your wife's sexual fantasies. Now you're starting to see things which quite simply aren't there.
Honestly read my last post again. Sex and friendship don't mix. I have very close friends who I tell everything to, but me and my girlfriends sex life is not one of those things that they get included in. Sure we may have general discussions about sex or may discuss various aspects of sex but you never allow them to be an intimate part of your sex life, even in fantasy, you see what happens, fantasy has now gotten blurred for you and you're starting to be suspicious.
They haven't done anything, the kitchen fantasy is very common and why the hell did you ask your friend or allow him or your wife to start discussing or considering a mutual attraction? What in the world made you think that was a good idea?
I know some of my friends find my girlfriend attractive but that's where it stops. I don't care whether they fantasise about her or whatever but they are never to talk like that to me about my girl. I would never presume to allow them the luxury of openly expressing such desires, it's a pandora's box I'm not foolish enough to open. Even if we were an open couple willing to explore adding others to our sex life it would not be a friend with whom we have an established and deep bond with already.
Likewise my girlfriend would never express anything more than an acknowledgement of attraction for any of my friends. She is free to fantasize and if she has fantasized about my friends then I'm okay with that but it stays fantasy or it becomes and issue. When you let people discuss this kind of fantasy freely you let it become too close to a reality OP and that's a massive mistake.
You may feel your wife and you are secure and "open" enough to blur that line but you now see the consequence. People aren't acting prudish when we uphold these rules OP, we're protecting what we have and leaving no room for confusion.
You need to nip this in the bud. Your friend is not allowed to talk about your wife in that way any more, like my girl is to my friends, she's a non-sexual entity to him, he is only ever to talk about her in a platonic way ever, you just say to him that talking like that actually disturbs you because you're actually far more territorial than you realized. Equally your friends, all of them, are not to be brought into you and your wife's fantasies.
Now as far as the threesome idea goes OP, there is no chance in hell you should ever have one. It's a nice fantasy but as you've seen with your friend as open as you like to think you are you really don't like the idea of anyone being with your wife except you. You will not enjoy watching another bone your wife.
Time to put your house in order again OP. Time to take control of this situation again and establish some boundaries so that this kind of thing doesn't happen again.
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A
male
reader, BiggG +, writes (20 April 2012):
BiggG is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMaybe iam stupid and have taken things for granted with my marriage,but I do not believe my wife has taken things into the 'sexual realm' with my friend,for several reasons
1-with a house full of teenage kids,she doesn't have time or opportunity to be unfaithful
2-I know she wouldn't be able to hide things emotionally with me or my friends wife
3-I have encouraged her to be more confident sexually and also as far as her self esteem is concerned.
4-I said her a few weeks ago about enjoying my friends Dick in a threesome,she went ballistic saying 'its not the only thing she fantasises about and she would like a normal sex life occasionallly'
5-my friend is totally into his wife and they seem the ideal couple(that said,she also is big breasted and always shows off her assets when we r out,maybe they're into this lifestyle and all 3 are playing me. The more I think of things,the more puzzled I get) .
I trust my wife but my only concern is my friend. I know he is capable of this and his brain relocates to his Dick with sex,as he had an affair 10 years ago,but he was found out and swore he'd never do it again. For my wife,although she admits fantasising about me and my friend,she swears it hasn't happened and it would be too close to home anyway-I believe her and like to think my mate would be the same.
Is there any other way I could 'winkle' the potential truth out of my wife as I can't find ANY evidence to prove theyve been intimate?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2012): Wow what a tangled web of deceit is being weaved!!!
Your best friend just also happens to want a threesum with your wife
Your best friend just also has fantasies of having sex with your wife in the kitchen.
Can you NOT see that you are being played by 2 people who are gently manipulating you????
What is the likelihood that your best friend and your wife are not cuckolding you already? They have motive, and opportunity and clueless spouses....
And the friends wife? Is she also oblvious when your wife sexually flirts with her husband? Is she aware that you three want to experiment without her presence.
Bigg i think you are an intelligent man: you may think that your marriage is solid But a little unease is developing. It is slowly becoming evident to you that your wife and your best friend may have taken their relationship into the sexual realm already and you are clueless. Seems like the wifely has span you a silly story and fool that you are, you are buying her get free legitimate cheating story.
Your friend knows too much of details of your wifes sexual fantasies. Co incidence? Highly unlikely. ! Your wife has already turned you into a cuckold and you have tolerated all her explicit behaviour and explicit dressing (or undressing) and she has gotten away with it. She is just Not fantasising. She is actively indulging right in front of you and feel that you are , you are eating right into her and your best friends games.
Oh and let me tell you the moment you three get together... There is no boundaries then. You would have given Them what they want. To openly have sex with each other and then you will be unable to stop them.
I suggest that you review your marriage status: the moment you open up your marriage, you will be one step closer to ending your marriage. Extreme you say? Hell No! The basis of this open lifestyle is plagued by deceit and secrets.
You need to stop your get togethers with this couple: the beginning of the end is near.
LoveGirl
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2012): BiggG you need to remove friends from the equation. In my experience of threesomes they're not worth risking a friendship, you simply don't want to do it with a person that is an important part of your life and one that you will continue to see after the event.
It's best to go and find other dedicated swingers. People that you can vet and get to know a bit before the act but people with absolutely no emotional attachment at all, that can be told thank you but we realize now it's not for us.
I mean you're only discussing the potential of the act with a friend and already it's causing a bit of an issue isn't it?
Friends are strictly platonic OP, you have to keep them that way. There is already a very close bond there, add sex to mix and feelings can take over. It sounds good in theory OP, but watching your woman get banged by another guy may actually be a bit horrible. Plus the last thing you want is to give your wife the chance to have sex with a guy she's sexually attracted to and one who she could develop very real feelings for after having sex. Do you really want to give her a taste of him, one which she may want again and one in which she may feel she needs?
Take friends off the table, they're a no go. You may think it's a good idea because you trust them and trust them to be okay etc. But sex and that kind of intimacy has a nasty habit of creating feelings which can't be stopped. Just get to know some local swingers, or join a swingers club. Do a bit of research online and get to know, and vet some people that will be willing to do it. There are plenty of single guys out there that would be willing too OP. But seriously, no friends. Sex + friends don't mix. Surely you've had or seen what happens friendships when sex is introduced. It's not something you can control and as your wife already likes this friend he's the last person you should allow this to be done with.
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A
male
reader, BiggG +, writes (19 April 2012):
BiggG is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't think my friends wife knows-I don't think so. However,wot kinda puzzles me is why my friend mentioned not only if my wife had been in a 3some but also the kitchen thing. I have never told anyone about our fantasy,so has my wife mentioned this to anyone as it seems a strange coincidence . My wife admits she is sexually attracted to my friend but swears it is no more than fantasising about me and my friend 'sharing' her. I have told her I would forgive her if it has happened and I wouldn't tell a soul,but we cannot have secrets,I can hardly take the moral high ground if iam happy about her having a threesome with me and my friend(that's on hold). I do wonder whether iam the one being 'groomed' by them,so to speak. Confused!!!
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (19 April 2012):
 This page on my website has interviews with Swingers that you can download for free, and some radio interviews on open relationships, and news articles I have written.
http://www.franktalks.com/open-relationship/
This one is on Friends with Benefits, and has some rules you will have to observe if you swing with friends:
http://www.franktalks.com/friends-with-benefits/
If you swing with friends, you are risking the friendship. Boundaries need to be made very clear from the beginning, and not based on how everyone feels in the moment. Decide ahead of time how far you are all willing to go (for example, decide if penetration sex is or is not an option, etc..) Whatever boundaries you decide on, STICK TO THEM even if you feel like going further in the moment. There will always be other opportunities to go further the next time.
1-Yes, if you are prepared that the fantasy does not live up to reality AND that you could lose the friendship over this.
2-Your wife and he could already be having an affair, or they could just be attracted to each other and flirting, or they could have been having an emotional affair and waiting for you to get on board to get physical. TALK TO YOUR WIFE. If you can not talk about these kinds of things with her, then do not swing.
My question for you is where is your friend's wife in all of this? If he is cheating on her...do not get involved. Big red flag.
-Frank
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