A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Simply put,I starting chatting in a forum about a topic unrelated to dating, we talked, there was attraction, 7 months after chatting everyday i fly over there and spent 2.5 weeks with her, everything was magic. Its crunch time now and I have to decide whether to give up my job i've been at for approx 3.5 years 'built up' my profile in the industry. It will take years to replicate the same income in another area. So my question is, do i give up everything here to be with someone i love and get paid minimum wage which is 13% of my current income or stay where i am and move on...? She cannot move here because of her childrens father.... :(
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (10 September 2010):
 I have been in a long distance relationship now for a year and a half. Also in different continents, and as we are both students we can't afford to go see each other every other week exactly. What I will share with you is how I plan the situation. Me and my boyfriend met in person after 3 months of being in an online relationship. Then it went 2 months until I went to visit him. Then 4 months for him to visit me, and 1 month for me to go to him, and that time I spent 3 months with him (thats how long I could stay without applying for a visa). Then again 2 months and he came to visit me again. Now we are looking at probably another 4 months until I can go see him again (Christmas break).
Do we want to be together? Yes. But we just have to be patient and wait until the time is right, we are both done with studying, and one of us gets a proper job so we can support each other financially until the other gets a job. It is a long process. Sure, I could just drop everything and get a visa and travel over to him with no money, no place to live, no job, no social network...
Me and him have been together for longer than you and your girl, and yet moving to each other at the moment is out of the question and we both understand that. So what I suggest that you do is that you take it easy, be patient, and go see her again for a few more weeks. Spend some more time with her. Check out how long you can stay in Canada at a time (as for me I could stay at my bf's country for 3 months at a time), and then maybe start planning if you can take a long vacation there for that amount of time. With the idea of eventually going back home to your job again. That way you get to test out the relationship, get to know the area, possibly even arrange some job-interviews and see what is possible for you to accomplish in Canada.
You brought up that if she came to you you could have provided everything there. Is she able to provide everything for you? Is she willing to house you? Is she willing to financially support you while you are there if you can't find a job right away? Does she have enough money to do that? Sure she says all she wants is you, but if she's not willing, or able, to support you in some ways, then it is very very easy for her to ask you to come to her. She doesn't have to lift a finger and you will come? Be careful, and after only 2 and a half weeks with her in person, are you sure you know that this is what you want?
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 September 2010):
 "She does not care about money as long has she has you "
Easy for her to say. If things between you guys should not work out and you should break up ( as it is far from impossible, considering you don' t really know each other that well and you have been together in person for 2,5 weeks ), she still has her family, her child, her friends, her job, same as she had not met you.
She is not giving up her town or home or habits, you would be. Most importantly : You would go back to Australia, ok, - but would they give you back your old job ? Would you be able to find another one in the same capacity and most of all at the same salary ? or would you have to start all over , and competing with younger people ?
I am all for brave choices- but some times there is a really fine line between brave and reckless.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCerberus/Raphael,
I love her as much as any couple should love each other, they were never married, i've probed numerous times to make sure that i wasn't coming between anyone. I live in Australia, she lives in Canada and yes dammit, i could have provided everything here...
Its the legal thing of visitation rights.(every 2nd weekend).. thats the block, i never met the guy either, guess i'll have to deal with him later on...
chigirl,
I've thought about your 2nd paragraph before... yes its sad to think that i'll have to go back to eating 2 minute noodles.... I did that 7 years ago and never thought i'd be in the same position again, i've had goals to increase my earning capacity every year as any sane person would. I have accepted the fact that i'll have to bunker down and not live the lifestye i'm used to right now with the freedom that i have to be able to go anywhere, to eat out when ever i want.. i dont know what type of impact that will have long term either..
I've stressed to her that this is one of my biggest concerns.. her response is she doesnt care about money as long as she has me.. sometimes its a shock when i look at a bill at a resturant but i have never sweated about being able to pay it, i dont want to have to be so concerned about money but shit... we all work so hard to get the damn stuff...
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (10 September 2010):
You need to sit put and think about this for much much longer. What exactly is the situation with her children's father? Is it possible to move closer, earn the same, and maybe just have a shorter travel distance? Look at your options. DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR JOB. Really. You will regret it. Because even if you are with her and your relationship is loving and perfect, you will not be happy with yourself because of your job. If you work more you could earn more. Then maybe invest in a place closer to hers. The thing is you need to just sit put right where you are for now until you have a brilliant plan worked out. The plan you have so far, quitting your job and move to her and earn minimum wage, is not making you happy. That is why you come on here to ask us advice, and you know yourself that you shouldn't. So sit put until you come up with something that you are absolutely 100% sure about is the right thing to do for you.
Just to add in some extra thoughts, if you moved to her and earned minimum wage, what type of relationship would you have? You wouldn't afford to have much of a place of your own? Take her out for dinner, go on vacations, buy her kids stuff... Hmm, you would limit yourself, and Im not sure if you would feel comfortable about that in the long-run. Having money problems is no fun, and money is a standard issue to come between a couple.
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A
female
reader, aphexinfinite  +, writes (10 September 2010):
 then why not simply wait longer meet more! too many make hash discions without putting time and effort and when it blows up their like oh were that come from. my advice is spend more time with something before you put your eggs into one basket! ok your in love who isnt? but you havent lived with each other long enough to possibly know if its going to be a worth while investment! take your time! rome wasnt built in a day.. good luck
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (10 September 2010):
 Well how much do you love her? And what power does the father of her children have over her? She doesn't love him anymore does she? Are they married? If they are married, you should move on. If not, then tell me why she cannot move to be with you.
Wouldn't you be able to support her and her children financially? Wouldn't you be able to give them a place to stay? If she loves you and you love her, I do not see why she cannot just move away. Unless there is still some attachment she has to the father of her children. Is he a good father?
I hope that helps.
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