A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am in a long distance relationship since 5 years. He is American and I am Canadian. The first 2 years we spent lots of weekends together. We love each other and we fit perfectly well together. We spoke about getting married early in our relationship and he was very clear that he doesn't want anymore kids, He is divorced and has kids and I was never married and don't have kids. I agreed not to have kids of my own, because I do love and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. He is in the military and since 3 years he is in the war. I email him almost everyday, or every other day, I write him about my day, about work and friends. I get really worried about him when he doesn't write back 2 - 4 weeks in a row. He writes whenever he can and I understand that he doesn't always have access to the internet but I worry about him. Last time we spent few days together was a year ago.Now it is getting hard to wait and even harder to wait without knowing for how long..Two months ago I decided to ask him in one of my emails to tell me how long we'll stay apart like this and when will I see him again. He didn't answer my question. After he got my message he wrote back saying he miss me and he will phone me, yet he phoned me on my cell while I was at work and we didn't have the chance to talk to each other I missed his call. What do I do now? Everybody is telling me I am wrong to wait for him like this. Should I ask him again? Should I give him an ultimatum?
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (22 October 2007):
 Dream Master does make a point. The sort of contact you have with him is next to nil these days. I understand this has to do with his being in the military, but, the fact remains that you barely see him.
I noticed he didn't answer the question about when he is returning. I don't know about the American military, but, in the war I knew, soldiers weren't allowed to even say where they were, and the date of their return was NOT something they knew or could talk about. Maybe this is happening with him.
I don't think an ultimatum would make sense here. He CAN'T be with you now. What you do with your life when you're in the military is NOT optional. If you give him an ultimatum, he won't be able to do anything about it anyways. He needs to return from the war before he can make any plans with you. And, when you're away and facing the prospect of death, an ultimatum from the girl you love is about the last thing you would want to hear.
All the same, I have my reservations about this relationship of yours. I doubt that you won't want any children ever; maybe you would think about having at least one if he agreed to it. I wonder if you won't be upset by this in the longer term, as, for example, when you become 40.
What are his plans for the future? How do his plans match yours? If I were you, I would think carefully about this before giving an ultimatum. And, should you decide not to stay with him, I wouldn't tell him until he returned.
Take care.
A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (22 October 2007):
 Hi,
It really sounds like you are in a tough spot. Mostly because all the boundaries in the relationship seem to revolve around what your boyfriend wants not what you want.
Obviously he cannot help being overseas on service, but by the sounds of it when he was home you never saw a lot of him anyway.
As for the ultimatum I think it is cruel to do so with someone who is serving overseas. However, I dont think an ultimatum would make a lot of difference anyway.
Its all up to you, you are aged 30-35 do you still want to have kids? a regular relationship with someone who spends their time with you? If you want either of those you are not going to get them by the looks of it with this man.
Only you can decide what's best for you , but I think you need to make this decision yourself. A lot of military wives get used to the lonely lifestyle, but you will notice they tend to have a couple or three kids wrapped around their legs when waving their husbands goodbye. You have none of this. It is time to decide about what is best for YOU then what is best for your relationship and see if they fit.
All the best and good luck!
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A
male
reader, DreamMaster  +, writes (21 October 2007):
 Hi,
I know I am going to get crucified as usual for answering like this but I can only be honest,
Why do you think you have a “relationship” with this person?
He is in the war 3 years, you haven’t seen him for a year – you e-mail him what seems to be daily – and he doesn’t respond to you because he cant / wont. You only get responses once a month.
I don’t regard this as a life partner relationship,
I don’t think you should give him an ultimatum – I think you should tell him the ‘relationship’ is over.
Then I think you should go and find yourself a man who will always be with you in person, and who can love you daily and whom you can spend your life with.
What happens if after all these years and probably more – he comes back from war and you find that you have changed in the time you have spent apart – and in fact you aren’t really happy after all?
You have to think of your life before it gets any later.
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