A
male
age
36-40,
*llkindsofconfused
writes:So, about a month ago I met the most wonderful woman. She is 31 with 2 kids, and I'm 26 with one. We both are recently divorced. (both our ex's cheated about 9 months ago) we have known each other for a few years, (I went to school with her ex, and she worked with my ex) and never would have expected to be together, until we met up one night and hit it off. For the first 3 weeks, it was like heaven on earth being with her. She was always excited to see me, as was I, and we couldn't get enough of being around each other. About 4 days ago, I did something that got her upset. It wasn't anything intentional, just an old habit that I myself know I need to quit. Now, she seems kinda distant, and I feel like I'm coming on too strong. I still want to spend every minute that I can with her, and we usually do, but she doesn't seem as excited to see me like she did before, and things feel kind of aqward between us. I think she might be the one, we have already talked about moving in together, but now I'm not so sure how she feels. We have already talked about my problem, and I told her I would work on it. I guess what I'm wondering, is should I give her some space, and time to think instead of being so enthusiastic to go see her? I know we haven't been together for very long, but I feel like I could spend the rest of my life with her. I just don't want to do anything to screw it up. I plan on talking to her a little more about my fears when we get some time alone. I know communication is good for a healthy relationship.
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male
reader, allkindsofconfused +, writes (15 June 2012):
allkindsofconfused is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust to clarify, I have a bad habit of being afraid to let others down. Specifically my parents. They don't really approve of us being together, but in time I know they will accept my decision. I tend to lie to them about being around her, so I don't have to listen to any negativity. So, my habit isn't anything terrible, I just don't like confrontation. I lied to my parents about being with her, and she feels like I'm trying to hide her. I am very proud to be with her, and I told her I wouldn't let them bother me anymore. As far as the "forever" part, she was the first one to say she wanted to be with me forever, and even told me we could move in. We have already talked about my problems with being afraid to let people down, and I told her that I fully intend to not let it bother me anymore.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 June 2012):
 Well I guess it depends from what the bad habit was, there's a big difference between shooting heroin and picking your nose !
If it is something that you REALLY want to quit, why can't you just talk to her and clear the air ? " Look, I know that I did something that upset you, I am sorry, and since I have decided I am not going to do it anymore, and if you stick around you'll SEE and have proof that I gave it up, let's put my slip up in the past and let's try to not let it interfere with the good thing we've got going "
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (15 June 2012):
 What was the habit that got her so upset? Did she catch you watching porn or ogling other women on the street? What kind of habit are we talking about here?
If it didn't involve you cheating on her with another woman or breaking the law or are heavily into drugs or alcohol to the point of interfering with your life, then I'm actually going to tell you to back up here.
Like I said, if you're not cheating on her with another girl, or a compulsive liar or breaking the law, or are a drug addict or alcoholic, then she needs to accept you as you are. You have flaws and so does she.
If this is about porn, then I'd suggest that you look for another woman who isn't so upset about it. That would be an issue of compatibility because the last thing you want to do is promise to never do it again only to do it again and have her "catch" you. It may take awhile, but she needs to either accept that part of you (as long as you're not addicted or into a weird illegal fetish) or move on.
If it's something stupid like cracking your knuckles or smoking cigarettes, then she needs to lighten up on you. You have to accept your partner and not expect to change them. If she doesn't want to date a smoker, again, it's a compatibility issue.
If you are ogling other women, then you need to learn manners. I get that men look, but it's like scratching your balls or passing gas in front of your boss. You can control yourself in front of your girlfriend.
Either way, you can't go changing yourself to try and get a girl. You have to be who you are. If you're a porn watcher, you're in the majority and it's a compatibility issue. If you're cheating on her or a sex addict, then that's a different thing.
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A
female
reader, citadel  +, writes (15 June 2012):
In the beginning there was the light and it was good.
Keep it shiny, but remember if you polish the stone to often it will wear away.
Moderation is key.
She's got a red flag on your habit, if you need the habit more than her or she agrees to it, that's now a compromise. It will take a conversation to cover this.
If you want her to respect you for this opening round, you can't take the gloves off yet. If you do you'll look weak if anything you'll look too passive. Don't talk about your fears so much. You must seem for now the victor, the hero.
A strong masculine image will work best. Not HeMan, just a I'm Da Man. Don't push REST OF MY LIFE across the table before you find the salt and peppa shakers. If you move to fast, you'll make her look like a rebound. Keep it black and white, ying and yang. Keep it simple, easy, fresh.
If you think its THE NEXT ONE, taking it slow won't matter and it'll be alot better and more trusting. If it's forever, why move so fast, there's the rest of your life.
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