A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Okay so ill make this as easy as possible to understand. Im 18, and my current girlfriend is 17. we dated for about one year and then had a nasty breakup. Hours after I broke up with her, I was calling and texting saying I was sorry and that I didnt mean what I said. She ignored me all night and I thought she would never take me back. she told everyone at work she was single not even 3 days after the breakup, (during which I apologized for the breakup and even sat outside her house at 1am begging her to forgive me.)She had told me that what her heart was telling her and what her mind was telling her were two different things and even rejected me as I went in to kiss her. Long story short, we got back together about a month later and the first two weeks of our "restart" relationship seemed PERFECT.however, during this two weeks, I had asked her if she had done anything with any other guys and she said "no". But two weeks into our relationship, I confronted her again about it and said I knew she was hiding something. she finally busted out in tears and admitted to having sex with another co worker of hers. After realizing that I had been lied to for two weeks about this issue I couldnt help but wonder what else she was lying about. My girlfriend was never the lying type when we were dating and I know she didnt want to hurt me, but now it hurts even more. I still forgave her considering how much I loved her. To make matters worse, we are now TWO months into our "restart" relationship and just last night she admitted to lying about not having an orgasm(she had 3 that she admitted to even though she told me she never did) and taking the morning after pill after every time they had sex(which she didnt even though she said she did, not even once) What I dont get is that during this whole breakup, we were still lightly talking and contacting each other. one week after the breakup, we even went to walmart to get her a pregnancy test and I told her I would take care of her if she got pregnant and that I wanted her back so bad. two days after this incident, is when she claimed to have sex with her coworker. she knew how I felt about her, yet still had sex with someone else. could this mean that shes just selfish and wanted to "explore" before getting back with me? They had sex 4-5 times(I asked him) and after a mean fight that they got in, she realized that she was going against what her heart wanted and thats when we got back together. The lies about all the little details are what bug me though. she looked me in the eyes and promised me sooo many times and has lied to me. after last night, she swears that she has cleaned out her conscious 100% but if she can lie about something that happened during a breakup and keep it going for TWO MONTHS, then that means she can lie about something during our relationship JUST AS EASY. this insecurity drives me nuts. My questions are: Should I give her a new start and learn to trust her again, or does this infidelity say something about the volumes of which I can be replaced. I dont know what to do....help me.
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a break, at work, broke up, co-worker, got back together, infidelity, orgasm, pregnancy test, sex with another, text Reply to this Question
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male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (13 September 2009):
 Okay this one's going to take a lot of work on your part. So the answer is very long.
First, you need to think of your girlfriend first and not yourself. Love means you're committed to someone and that their well being comes first before your own. Anyone who truly knows how to love knows that you have to make sacrifices and do things for the person that you love. And this is going to be one of those times. You'll be a lot stronger for it.
That means swallowing up your pride and ego and thinking of her, not yourself.
Second, you and your girlfriend are both very young and because of that, you haven't reached the point of maturity so that you both understand what a relationship is and what it requires to keep it fulfilling and happy. Its a two-way street. And both partners have to support and love each other through a helluva lot to enjoy happiness together. It takes work.
Third, you need to work on using this incident, which is technically not "cheating" constructively and not destructively, which is exactly what you're doing right now. This is a very important lesson in your life and its best you figure out how to use it today.
Let's go with the insecurities. Its apparent that your girlfriend absolutely regrets sleeping with this guy. I'm not sure that she did it to hurt you, but she did it and it hurt HER, not you. And hanging onto this is only causing her an incredible about of pain, hurt and personal humiliation!
I know its hard to do this, but look at her and think of how happy you two were when you first got together. Start respecting her again. I mean it. You don't respect her, she walks. I give it a few more weeks so you need to read this and pay attention.
If your girlfriend means as much to you as I think she does, then you need to sit down with her, and help her heal over this. You never keep picking at her emotional scabs.
Please understand this from her perspective. Whatever reason she used, and it may not have even been a reason at all; she did something that hurt you and her in different ways. You're both in pain, but you've got to be strong for her. She's back with you for a reason.
Solution:
First thing: DO NOT JUDGE HER OVER THIS! She knows it hurt both of you. She's already punishing herself. You want to stop her suffering and make the two of you stronger as a couple.
Sit down with her and tell her that you're so sorry that she's suffered over this whole thing. That you've realized, finally, that she's with you and not the other guy; and that you want to make her feel better again and that you want her to know that you love her.
Remember, she's special in your life. Treat her like she's special and be very patient.
Ask her what it is that you can do for HER, not you, to take away her pain over this and make her feel comfortable and happy again. That's all. Whatever it is that she tells you, please do it for her. She needs you to help her.
She may not know what you can do. What you can say then is, "Can I just hold you and try and make it better?" That's all. Maybe she just needs to know that your affections and love for her are enough that you mean to make her feel better and heal her anyway possible.
Fourth. You need to work on your insecurities and jealousies over her. Let her know that you're struggling with it but you're coming to grips with reality. You have to start trusting her again and tell her you're closer to trust than not.
Understand this, that she is not your personal property. She loves you, but that love is conditioned on so many things including forgiveness, patience, TRUST and relationship maintenance.
The cornerstone of every loving relationship is trust. She didn't "cheat" on you because you two had broken up and you weren't married. So its not cheating. Stop thinking of it that way. It could've easily been you having sex with a stranger and she'd be asking this question today.
You two are back together and the formula is simple. You need that trust back in your relationship and you need to work on it sincerely and patiently. You need to trust her, and she needs to know that you won't stay mad at her, jealous or distrustful. I know its asking a lot, because the two of you are young and as I said you haven't had a chance to mature together over time.
The next thing is you need to work on your intimacy with her. That isn't just sex. Its emotional intimacy and support. She has to feel that there's a strong connection between you and her, and the only way you can do that is to spend time on her and pay attention to each other.
Paying attention means that she can come to you anytime for your emotional support and know that she can tell you anything and you'll be strong enough to accept it and work on those issues (no judgments and no anger).
Part of that bond means communications. The two of you need to learn to look into your hearts and each others' hearts and start feeling for each other. Once the connection is made, communications flow easily.
Hold her hand, hug her, kiss her and attend to her needs whenever you think she needs them, or if she asks you to, don't hesitate. She's everything to you, so you need to treat her that way all the time.
Likewise, she needs to learn to be the same way with you. You two have to grow up together if you want this to succeed so it means paying a great deal of attention to each other.
At some point when the two of you have reached that level that you have the intimacy and connections there, you will find that this little incident, as traumatic as it was, is something that you both overcame as a couple. And that's where it can be used constructively. Both of you know that someone else or a petty breakup didn't get between you and both of you survived it together.
I know this is a lot. When I was your age I was totally ego-driven. I thought I knew it all. I didn't.
You have to always pay attention to each others' needs first. When you do that, a whole new world opens up for both of you. Make your decisions together. Respect this girl because she loves you. Be there for each other. That's all.
FINALLY: It takes two people to break up a relationship, which is why as I said, you both have to work together to find a way so that you can be happy as a couple. That's what you want. Happiness.
I wish you luck but please don't be angry with her anymore and try and work on the anger and jealousy.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2009): Hey, hmmmm reading this I would say that you mean something to each other but maybe this relationship wasn't meant to be. Try taking a break from her, getting to know other people see if your feel the same way about her once you have had a good deal of time apart. You never know you might find someone else, someone who treats you with more respect. You will always feel something towards this girl as she was/is your ex, a part of your life. All i'm saying is go with what you feel is right. Ask yourself questions, How did you feel when you found out she was unfaithful? Could you go through that again?
Good Luck!
Love Charm x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2009): I need to clarify something first. If she slept with someone else whilst you were broken up, then she did not cheat. I think he was some sort of rebound for her, I don't think she immediately thought after you broke up 'right I'm gonna sleep with the first guy I see just because I can'.
Things happen, it was whilst you were broken up, so you can't expect her to give you every little detail because she did not cheat, and I think she didn't want to tell you because she knew it would hurt you. If you mean she lied about having an orgasm with you, then I'm not sure why, that's only something she knows, but if she lied about having some with the other guy, then that's understandable as she doesn't want you to feel like you weren't/aren't satisfying her or that he's better than you.
Of course, this doesn't excuse the lying but there are a number of reasons and these could be some of them. I do however think it was unwise of her to skip the pill, so if you do remain together, make sure she is taking it every day at the same time, and wear a condom.
It was wrong of her to lie, but you have to see the reasons behind it, I think it was mainly not to hurt your feelings. Can you accept that? Can you move on? Do you WANT to learn to trust her again?
If you can, then start afresh with her. If you can't or won't, then well, you know what you have to do. Because you can't be in a healthy relationship without trust, and if you can't deal with this now it will be eating away at you throughout the relationship.
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