A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Thank you for your patience... First some background; week before Christmas my soon to be EX apologised for hitting me, minutes later I said “that will be the last time you touch me like that!” He immediately erupted too accuse me of hitting him first! It’s impossible yet he maintains his version where he thinks it gives him the right to hit you back. This was when I had an epiphany; I had enough – that was his last lie, denial, fake apology to me, it was over! In the spare room he slept, however he tried to smooth things over with me in that week before his Mother visited for Christmas. My bruises didn’t disappear for her not to notice. He continued to try into the New Year after I repeated to him “it’s over!” He mumbled something about staying in the spare room until he finds a place to live; he also made an appointment to see his Therapist about his issues and hitting... His Therapist suggested we “take up bowling again”. Few days later he visited his Mother came back and has not been civil towards me, given there’s still a (my) roof over his miserable head. Forward to now, tickets arrived for our holiday cruise which departs in a month’s time. I’ve yet to tell him I’m not going, as I fear triggering his explosive temper. Too give him his options to cancel or take his Mother. Plus he needs to move out beforehand. As much as my partner has lied to others through the years about me, should I get his Therapist or a friend of his to tell him that I’m not going for reasons which will expose the truth – His abuse behind closed doors?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (31 January 2018):
 Did you hit him first? Or is it just him lying and he is the only violent one? Nobody has the right to be violent to anyone so why not report it to the police? I know I would if someone was being abusive to me.
His therapist suggested bowling? Surely she should be suggesting you both end things until he can sort his violence out, honestly I would imagine he is not telling his therapist everything that is happening.
It is your house so time to get rid off him, you do not owe him a roof over his head. Ask someone to be present when you ask him kindly to leave, if he refuses call the cops.
As for the cruise when you have someone else there with you hand him the tickets and tell him you are not going. The very last thing you should do is tell family and friends that it was an abusive relationship so that they can help and support you.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (27 January 2018):
 Give him 1 week to move out and tell him that you feel it would be better that he takes his mother on the cruise.
You don't OWE him a roof over his head. You can even tell him you need to e out today, but my guess is you want to rock the boat too much. So that is why I;d say give him a week or two but HAVE a deadline for him to be out.
If you feel that suggesting he take his mother instead would set him off, then WAIT until he is out the door and then mail the tickets to his mother.
I also think it might be a good idea to have a MALE family member or FRIEND present when you ask him to move out. And I will add to that that you shouldn't HIDE from family and friends what he did to you. YOU shouldn't carry the shame of HIS actions.
And make VERY VERY sure that you change your locks as SOON as he is out.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (27 January 2018):
 Stop protecting him. He is an abuser. One of the reasons abusers get away with their behaviour is because the victims feel they should keep the abuse secret. Why do you feel you need to protect this man?
Also, is he actually so delusional that he believes you will still go on this cruise with him? After all, it sounds like he is preparing to move out (or is he just making noises but doing nothing about it, hoping it will all blow over?).
I can totally understand why you don't want to tell him yourself that you are not going but, in fairness, you need to give him chance to arrange something else. Or perhaps you could still go but take a friend? I would have suggestions ready for how to resolve this.
I don't really think it is his therapist's job to pass on messages from you. Could you tell him with someone else present?
To be honest, I think your main priority should be to get this man out of your house as quickly as possible and to change the locks so he cannot get back in.
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