A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Where do I start? My wife and I have been married for close to 17 years and have 2 young daughters aged 10 and 8.We are a happy couple are most probably enjoying the best period of our married life. My wife is hot and still looks amazing...Basically, over the last 3-4 years, I have opened up about my consistent fantasy about seeing or imagining her with someone else.In our love making, I ask her questions about her past and in the heat of the moment she’s been answering them about her past before meeting me. We’ve come a long way and she has now admitted to an affair with a coworker approx 15 years ago when we were not getting on in our marriage or in the bedroom. She has been telling me details about where they met and what they did. This has been a massive turn on but I am now starting to feel anger. I picture them together and these pictures are starting to haunt me. I am still turned on about all of this but I feel betrayed. I was not a good husband in the beginning our marriage and was most probably still in love with my ex and my wife got to know this but I still feel betrayed.I am addicted to the detail about the affair but I also hate it! I love my wife and we love each other and our marriage is solid and I trust her but I now know that she has a sexual but to her which is in control of her. She has admitted to really liking him and I believe the affair lasted just under a year. They used meeting rooms for sex and occasionally would go to a hotel and stay the night together when I thought she was at her Mum’s. Am I right to feel angry and betrayed ?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2018): First let me say, that you are not alone in feeling ambivalence over this. I guess I should point out that many people are confused about that word, "ambivalence," because it means that you have two different feelings occupying your thoughts at once, and they are at odds. The word does not mean what a lot of people think it means, that you are disinterested or blase. I, too, have had a very similar experience, I later realized that I felt like my wife had an intimate experience of which I was denied ny part. It's only natural to want to know every detail so that you can feel some semblance of having been a part of that experience that she withheld from you. After my wife and I talked about the feelings it gave me to hear those stories, and we took the time and effort to heal those wounds, and I ACTUALLY forgave her, rather than just said the words, we explored the turn on behind her sharing and I hearing about it. We came to the conclusion that what we were doing was more or less fantasizing about having a swinging experience. We explored different paths and finally went to a no pressure gathering of like minded folks and eventally became participants. While we both had sex with other couples, we also had experiences in which I watched her with one or more males and even filmed. Seeing her from a distance, being pleasured to that level, was such a turn on, and she lived putting on that show for me. We had some of the most amazing sex afterward. So whether or not you find yourselves up for the lifestyle or not, just know that you need to address the anger you feel and find a way to forgive her, or your relationship is doomed to fail, or simply make you, and possibly her, resentful.
A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate  +, writes (27 January 2018):
Of course you’re right to feel angry and betrayed because you were betrayed. But now it is time for you to see a counselor either together or by yourself to help you work thru your anger.
CNN recently ran a story about how infidelity can help strengthen a relationship if both parties are willing to work at it. You may want to give that book a read.
And stop blaming yourself for your wife’s affair. It was her choice to do what she did rather than work thru any problems. It may make you feel better to think that it was something you did but most people who have affairs are satisfied with their marriage. They have the affairs because they can.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (27 January 2018):
 Everyone has a "right" to feel any way they feel. We cannot control our feelings.
HOWEVER, you need to bear in mind, this was 15 years ago and you have built up a solid relationship since then which involves two beautiful daughters. You admit you were not a good husband at the beginning and were still not over your ex. In its own way, that is also like cheating. So maybe your wife had a "right" to feel back then how you are feeling now. More so, I would say.
She obviously finished the affair after a year and chose to be with you and work on your marriage. You have both enjoyed 15 wonderful years together since that affair.
One thought which crossed my mind was, did the affair really happen or is it just a fantasy she is using to spice up your love life? Either way, perhaps it is time for a different fantasy so that you don't suffer these mixed emotions?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2018): You are right to feel betrayed as, after all, your wife did betray you. However, you are getting your sexual kicks off of these details so this is perhaps a case of be careful what you wish for. The two key questions now though are: 1) Do you trust your wife at this moment? 2) Do you still want to be together with your wife in light of this new information?. If the answer is 'yes' to both of these questions then you should stay with your wife. You have encouraged your wife to open up about this past affair (let us not forget it happened 15 years ago) - I would suggest stop using it for your sexual gratification as it will simply make those feelings of anger and betrayal more visceral and at the forefront of your mind. Instead, avoid it as part of any sexual fetish and, if you genuinely feel unhappy about these revelations, talk to your wife in a calmer moment about it and work your way forward. Using is as sexual kindling cannot in any way help this situation - stopping that is the first step to properly confronting the issue.
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