A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I had been with my ex boyfriend for 10 years, we were both leaving in the same city. We met in University . He is 32 and I am 27. After finishing his degree he had been looking for a stable job for a while, he was lucky enough to get two job offers - one in the city where we both lived and they offered more money, while the other was in a different city but didn't offer as much. We set down together and looked at one which would bring about growth and career sustainability. We both had decided it was best he accepts the offer in a different city as it would bring more opportunities for growth in future plus the money diference between the two offers was little.What was great about this was that I'd also be able to follow and go look for a job in the same city as I had only a month left to finish with university.The city is 2hours away by flight. We had come to an agreement that since I was still finishing off at school I'd stay behind for 2months take care of his car and would make frequent visits to him in the two months - until I was able to officially move in with him in December 2017. Once relocating I had planned to live with him at his new place for a bit till I found a job and move out at a later stage to my own place.September 2017 he started at the new job, he had asked me to accompany him to the city. We found an apartment for him and I stayed with him for a month there, things were amzing. Fast foward to October 2017 I went back to school and realised that he sounded wierd in conversations about visitations. Whenever I would tell him I wanted to visit he would say things like "we don't have enough money....you will distract me while I try and focus, I need to be by myself and grow as a man, I'll do right by you and marry you so not seeing you around makes me work hard so I make you happy". I somehow agreed with him and we continued as per normal talking on the phone on the regular. He would reassure me that he wasn't there for women and that he was focused, I believed him. We spoke on the phone everyday without fail. I could sence he was happy and I was too. Being apart didn't bother me as much I was counting days till I could be with my man forever.The month when he started at his new job he was so overwhelmed, he did not enjoy it even regreting ever taking up the offer.But as time passed he ended up enjoying and It was great that he was finally settling in well. December 2017 I visited him but things had changed, he wasn't as excited to see me. He never made passionate love to me as he would when we hadn't seen each other in months. When we would be apart for months/days it would show, he looked at me a certain way, he touched me a certain way. Things were different this time around.I had only been there for a day when he started recieving calls from different women. I confronted him and he told me they were just friends. However, they didn't sound like they were just "friends" as they would ask him things like "what are you wearing?, how was your day at work?, why haven't you called me? etc. I obviously picked these up from his responses.While cleaning his apartment a day later I found condoms,viagra and lip glo in one of his drawers, he again denied and said they belonged to a married friend who had asked to use his bedroom one night with some random girl. I believed him "How stupid could I have been?" I then noticed he had bought so much alchohol which was shocking as he isn't much of a drinker. He had bought loads of snacks however they we'rent for me or him but they were for his guests he said. His behaviour got wierd, he coloured his hair platinum blonde, shaved his legs, took extra care of how he looked a lot of things just weren't adding up. The phone calls didn't stop either and I noticed he was spending so much money on airtime, he literary would buy it every other day. I asked him why he was buying so much of it to which he replied "people spend money on airtime it's a thing" another shocker as I had known him to be somebody who is cautious about spending too much money on airtime.My suspicions rose , he would now go outside the same time every night with both his phones. He also was very short tampered at this point, he'd get angry over the smallest things like one time I drank a Coca Cola he had bought for his "supposed" guest's and he got angry and told me to finish it as it wouldn't tastes the same after opening. He also didn't want me to watch soccer with him at his friends place (the friend had left him with keys to his apartment when he went on vacation so that my ex bf could watch socceer as he still didn't own a television) so I guess this was great for him as he would get all the time to call all his girlfriends while at his friends place without me present. He would watch soccer around the same time every night. He'd get extremely angry and ask for space when I ask to tag along and watch soccer with him (I hadn't seen this person in a while I wanted to be around him and enjoy him for a few days)...I would apologize and he'd still be mad calling me annoying and a which hunter and all types of names.I was meant to leave his place on the 24th of December 2017 to visit home for xmas and come back to him in January 2018. Strangely, he was now rushing me and every chance he got he would ask about what day I'd leave his place as he wanted to visit his family too. That's when I lost it.I found that he had 10 different girls who he referred to as "baby, hun, love etc" , sending them voice notes on Whatsapp...he had slept with one of them as the were text about their sexual encounter (how he f**ked her, touched her breast the whole night, the two rounds they had, the kissing, how he mu**ed her) you get the point....images still haunt me till this day. He had plans with the rest of the girls as the conversations would suggest. Some of them he had taken them out to the movies, paid Uber's for some so they'd come and visit him and drink the alcohol and eat snacks he had bought. He had deposited some money to some of them. All these girls he found on Tinder, the guy had a tinder account where he uses a different name. Upon finding all this out I packed my bags and left same day. I blocked him from calling and texting me for 1 day, I couldn't face him I was broken but get this I recieved only one missed call from him during this period. Four days passed and he never smsed or call to find out why I left so abruptly. I sent him a text days later informing him about what I had seen. He replied by taking a picture of a blanket he had bought along with a message "I know to you I am cheater, I bought you a fleece for your flights". (No idea what that even meant) Followed by a long text telling me that he was going through a phase and that he needed to make these mistake and is fully aware of them, he didn't want anyone stopping him. I never replied. He tried calling a few times after that I never picked up until he stopped calling then I cracked, I gave in. I started calling trying to find out why and if we could work things out. We started talking again. That was the worst mistake of my life :(. Not once did he say sorry. He hasn't apologised at all instead he says it's my fault he's doing this and that I broke my own heart he didn't . He has said things like " I'm tired of having a mother, I want to be alone, you don't want me to grow as man, don't start no soap opera or drama, You must move on and find another guy, you dont know how to love, I don't see any contribution you bring into my life, anything you can do for me I'm able do for myself so I don't need you". He said that he feels as though I won't be ok without him, I wont succeed. He aslo feels like he is leaving me too early he doesn't want to do the same thing his dad did to his mom. He wants me to succeed in life before he can leave me. He says he owes it to God.But I still love him so much and so I asked if there's anything I could do to make this work. I told him we have to work on trust again since he broke it to which he replied "I don't trust you either what's the point, you can't come to my place because I don't trust you". At times he'd say we are fine he doesn't know why I'm stressing when I ask him not to call and other times it would be a different story.We are not fine he cheated but I am willing to make us work if only he's willing to as well. I have seen no effort from his side. We could work on trust again bit by bit if he was willing to talk things through and show remorse.Days have gone by without him calling/texting. Sometimes I'd text him hoping he would say he's sorry and that we must try again but he wouldn't reply, I gave up now I decided I won't speak to him as well. The problem I have is that he did treat me well until he left me, it's hard to forget the many years of him being a sweetheart and loving. I have a hundred examples of him being awesome and just one of him being a jerk.He was my best friend/ supporter more than anything. I cry myself to sleep every night, some days I feel better but others I feel like crawling into a hole and never coming back out. I want to forgive him if he ask for it, this is the first time we experience something like this. he has sent me good morning and I did not reply.Am I crazy for wanting him back? What do I do? Why do I still miss him? Why do I love him? Is it time to give up?
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at work, best friend, condom, kissing, money, move on, my ex, period, text, university Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2018): Be glad you didn't have kids with him before catching him cheating like that!What you do is block him on your phone and online and cut all ties, and move on with your life. Find a better man who will treat you right.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (30 January 2018):
 No you are not crazy but I promise you if you take him back that will be crazy! I understand that you love him, but you need to take time to get over him and cut all the contact. If you don't he will keep using you, you will keep going back, you won't trust him, he will keep cheating and you will end up miserable and have no self confidence. You are worth more, you know you are worth more. I know you want to try and make it work and for him to work hard on getting your trust back, but he won't because he is just not that interested. If he loved you he would not have treated you like this. It sounds like he was to much off a coward to break up with you, because it is clear he wants to live the single life.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (27 January 2018):
 Yes, you are crazy.
You can't honestly think this guy is a good person surely? He is a lying, cheating, manipulative piece of shit and that's being polite. Why could you possibly love? Him talking to other females whilst lying to you making you feel like you're doubting him? Him being a slimy little worm or him FUCKING other females?? Why are YOU asking what to do to make it work? GET REAL. This guy is a straight up asshole and sounds like he's got you wrapped around his finger. I'd be pretty certain he's been doing this for years and I'd feel pretty confident in saying he's slept with more than one woman.
Just because you've spent a lot of time with someone DOES NOT mean they're right for you. This guy has disrespected you in the biggest possible way and had the cheek to blame YOU and you're taking it. Do you not see how stupid that sounds? He's making you think this is your fault. Where is your self respect? Grow a backbone woman, this guy is an absolute slimeball.
Let this man back into your life at your peril as I can guarantee he will ruin it.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (27 January 2018):
 Why do you love him? He doesn't love you. He may be fond of you. He may care that you are OK - possibly through guilt - but he doesn't love you. He is already gone. Close the chapter. Take time to heal, and when you do you will see what an escape you have had.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2018): Girl, he told you the truth.He is going through a phase and he doesn't want anyone stopping him. You contacting him and pleading to work things out only brings you heart ache.
Take time to reflect on yourself, leave him to stew in his own phase. Learn to forgive though he is not sorry. I say things will likely never be the same. Clearly you were just a placeholder in this guy's life till he found this opportunity to be a man w****.
Focus on finding a job build your career and you confidence.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2018): I am so sorry-what an awful thing to happen to you. Your ex has shown you his true colours-and they are not nice. He was happy to take your love and support while he was studying but as soon as he became successful to him your not good enough-to him, you sound like a great girlfriend-your really too good for him. He has cheated on you, gaslightled you, been horrible to you and been generally awful-yet you still go back for more. I think you need to cut ties with him as you have given him far to much power in your life-I mean he is your ex-he has no say, would you let a friend talk to you the way he talks to you. I think the best thing to do is drop him-go no contact and just live your life. And when he gets back in contact-and he will unfortunately you can ether ignore him or you can give him a taste of his own words against him.
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